Chapter 28
June – JAKE
SEATTLE ISN’T A place—it’s a weather system. And that weather is rain. Perpetual, soul-soaking rain.
But it isn’t just the rain that makes this place so miserable.
It’s the gray. An endless, unbroken stretch of it.
It’s thick and heavy, pressing down from the sky like it has nowhere else to be.
Every day is gray. And cold. And damp. The kind that seeps into your bones and settles achingly deep. It sucks.
We’re riding up the elevator, and Brian is fulfilling his daily mantra—swearing now that it’s June, things will turn around. Every day he promises the sun will come out, and when another day ends without it, he promises tomorrow. Today is no different.
“Give the Annie bit a break, will ya?” I tell him as the doors ding open to the thirty-fifth floor. I step out in front of him.
“She was on to something, man,” he laughs, slapping my back. “Still up for lunch? Bet there’ll be sunshine by noon.”
“Yeah, yeah. I’ll see you at lunch,” I agree begrudgingly before pushing the glass doors open to my section of the floor.
I offer a polite smile to the receptionist as I pass—Valerie or Veronica.
I can’t quite remember but definitely something with a V.
She’s introduced herself enough times that I should know, but I can’t find the will to care long enough to lock it in.
Names require effort. Conversation requires even more.
I stick with just being polite and that’s enough for me. If I don’t remember her name, she can’t mistake my kindness for interest. Especially not with those heart-shaped eyes she keeps aiming in my direction, like she’s hoping one day I’ll catch them and meet her halfway.
I won’t, but not because she isn’t cute. I’m sure if I paid attention for even five seconds, I’d find something positive about her. But it’ll never be more than just that—a small thing I’m forcing myself to notice.
I settle into my gray paneled cubicle, falling into my chair and looking out my window at another sunless sky.
Before I moved here, I asked him if the weather was really as bad as everyone says. He told me it wasn’t. Told me people exaggerated. Which was a lie.
Seattle has turned Brian into a liar.
I guess I can’t blame him. This place has a way of changing people. Of dulling the edges, the color fading out of you one gray day at a time.
For example, it’s turned me into a ghost. Someone who drifts through wet streets and crowded rooms unnoticed, leaving no imprint behind. Just another shadow swallowed up by the lack of vitamin D.
I sigh a defeated breath, mentally apologizing to the beautiful city.
It’s unfair of me to blame my current state on the only place that’s offered me a new page to turn.
Seattle knows the truth just as much as I do—that I was a ghost before my feet even touched down at that airport.
I arrived here this way, empty and distant and barely existing.
To be honest, the weather here is perfectly fitting.
Overall, life is not so bad. I wouldn’t say I’ve found things that excite me or people I want to spend my days with, but I don’t hate it here. Acceptance will do that to you.
I remove my laptop from my bag and power it on, tapping a pen in my hand as I wait for it to boot up. The mindless beat begins to sound like one of those songs she used to play, and suddenly, unforgettable winter blue eyes are front and center in my mind.
Go to Seattle, Jake.
A cold shiver runs through me as Alana’s last words ring in my head, her tear-filled dismissal after I poured my heart out to her and everything in it. I ignore the discomfort it brings, but I can't hide the sadness.
Her voice is getting weaker in my mind. I can barely remember the light southern drawl she sometimes had. Or the sound of her full belly laugh. Or the taste of her soft lips…
I’m not letting you give this up.
I let out another heavy sigh, my head falling into my hands, fingers running through my hair. What I wouldn’t do to give all of this up, if it gave me her.
My body tenses uncomfortably.
“I can’t do this today.” I shut my laptop and stand, pushing my chair into my desk before I beeline straight to the stairwell.
I’ll text Brian later and tell him I’m skipping lunch. I can’t be here right now. I can’t do this again—pretend I’m a normally functioning adult when I’m standing on the edge of giving everything up to chase a woman who doesn’t want me in return.
I shove my hands into my pockets as I trek down the city blocks toward my neighborhood. My fingers come around a crumpled piece of paper, and I carefully pull it out. I don’t need to unfold it to know what it is—Alana’s graduation ticket.
Every graduating student received two tickets for friends and family, which obviously included me. I had no desire to walk for graduation, nor did I need the pressure of choosing between my mother and her newest boyfriend or my father and the woman he left my mother for as attendants.
I sat with those tickets for a long time, allowing them to burn holes in my dresser. In a restless moment, I looked Parker up on Florida’s state penitentiary site. I don’t know what made me do it. But when I saw he was scheduled for early release, I told myself it meant something.
I wrote him a letter, first explaining who I was, then giving him everything he’d need to get to the event. I folded the piece of paper carefully, like that might somehow protect it. Protect her, one last time.
I don’t know if he made it. The last sliver of hope I have makes me believe that he did.
Hope is what keeps us going when everything else falls apart. People need hope.
My lips curve up despite myself. Yeah, Alana, I tell her in my mind. I get that now.
I kept the second ticket for myself, endlessly praying I’d find the courage to see her walk across that stage. But I couldn’t shake her last words from my mind—that me loving her didn’t change anything. That it only made things worse.
I didn’t want that. I want her life to be simple and peaceful, even if that means being a ghost in mine. At least we’re both ghosts in mine.
“Jake.” Her voice is like a whisper threading through the rain as it creeps into the corners of my mind. Like a dream. Great. Now I’m hearing things. And when did it even start raining?
I draw in a slow breath and blink, fingers curling around my keys like they might anchor me to something real. Exhaustion does this, I tell myself. Memory filling in gaps that don’t exist.
Then I hear it again. Louder this time. Clearer.
“Jake!”
My heart stills, the beat cutting out so abruptly it steals the air from my lungs. Cold seeps through me, despite June’s air clinging to my skin. Every muscle locks, my face frozen, breath trapped somewhere between disbelief and fear.
Slowly, like the world might shatter if I move too fast, I turn around.
And then everything comes to a halt. The world holds its breath, the rain freezes midair, and time itself pauses as the prettiest blue eyes find mine.
“Hi,” she breathes, wet hair sticking to her face. Her cream sundress clings to her curves. She takes a step closer, but I can’t move. I can’t think. I can’t even breathe.
“Hi,” I manage, stuffing my keys back into my pocket. My lungs are winded just from the word, as if uttering it took every ounce of oxygen I had. We stare at each other silently, rain pelting down on us.
“I…” she pauses, unsure and reluctant. Her eyes dart from me to her feet as she nibbles on her lip, forcing them back up again. The sadness in her eyes is so heavy it drags my heart down with it.
“I lied to you,” she starts. “But you already knew that.”
I tongue my cheek, taking a deep breath while my eyes dart away and come back to her. “Tell me, anyway.”
She swallows. “I lied when I said I didn’t want the things you want.
I do, Jake. I want all of them. I want the house and the dogs and the Christmas trees cut right on a farm.
I want them so much, it scares me. It scares me to believe something pure like that could ever be mine.
It doesn’t even sound real for a girl like me.
I basked in love songs and romance novels because they were a dream.
They were safe worlds I could live in and pretend that, just for a moment, my life wasn’t this crazy, messy hell that it was. But then you came in and just…saw me.
“You saw me and convinced me I wasn’t this broken girl who didn’t even deserve the small joys she found once in a while.
You made me believe there was good in me that was worth noticing.
It made me feel…invincible. It made loving you feel safe.
And then I got even more scared because what would happen when you knew?
When you found out who I really was, what I really came from, what I really did.
“But then I told you and didn’t run away from it.
You didn’t run away from me. Even crazier, you ran straight into my mess.
You stepped in to fix what you didn’t break, and I loved you so much more for that.
It was selfish to want you the way I did, to love you the way I did, knowing you were worth so much more than I could give you. ”
“I’m not.”
“You are. You are everything, Jake. You are worth so much more than I can give you. I have so much to carry—”
“I’m not afraid, Alana.”
“Well, I am. I’m afraid now, and I’m going to be afraid a lot. I want a life with you, more than I’ve ever wanted anything, but… I’m not easy.”
I huff a laugh, my eyes dropping to my feet before they’re back on her.
“I’m going to need constant reassurance sometimes, and other times, I’m going to be too independent for my own good.
I’m going to shut down and try to do things on my own when I know you’re right there.
I’m going to be scared to lean on you. I’m going to break down randomly when my own thoughts take over my mind.
” She takes a step forward. “But I’m going to love you like no one has ever loved before.
I’m going to be there for you and show up for you and cook you dinners that may be questionably inedible.
” I chuckle. “I’m going to be really, really addicted to you.
So much that you’re going to think I’m insane. ”
I smile and chew on my cheek.
“And I’m going to need you to remind me you love me a lot. All the time. Like every day. Because that’s how often I’m going to tell you.”
My heart swells in my chest, nearly bursting. My breath stutters. It’s as if my body forgets to function because every part of me is too busy absorbing her every word. Each one settles terrifyingly and perfect all at once.
“Every day?” I ask her, but it’s already a promise. A confirmation.
She nods quietly, the faintest smile touching her lips.
“I can do that,” I whisper, my hands fidgeting at my sides to pull her into me. She’s so close, I can feel her warmth even through the cool rain. “Tell me what happens next.”
Her eyes search mine, her chest rising and falling deep and quick. Her lips part into the most stunning smile, and it makes every day I’ve waited for the sun worth it.
“Everything,” she breathes.
I step into her space without thinking, like gravity made the choice for me. My hands find her waist, my forehead resting against hers as I close my eyes, letting the truth of it wreck me. No exits. No escapes. Just her, choosing me in all the ways I’ve ever wanted her.
Her arms wrap around my neck, and her lips come close to mine.
“I’m going to be really selfish with you, Jake Cooper. I want you all to myself—forever. No matter the mess. No matter the consequences. I want you. All of you. Always.”
My lips are on hers in the next breath. Her hands run through my soaked hair as I wrap my arms around her and pull her flush against me.
The world narrows to the warmth of her mouth, the steady beat of her heart against my chest, the way she sighs into the kiss like this is where she was always meant to be.
My hand cradles her neck as rain drips from my lashes, down her cheek, and back onto me.
I’m not cold anymore—not when every part of me is swimming in her love.
I kiss her like a vow.
Like a choice she was always worth making.
Like there’s no undoing this—and there isn’t.
When we break, I bury my face in her neck, inhaling the scent of her.
I trail kisses from her chin, down her neck, and along her collarbone.
She tips her head back and tilts her face toward the sky, arms stretched out wide as the rain falls.
I just watch her, a downward grin tugging at my lips as I hold her body and let her fall freely.
She tips her head back to me, her fingers trailing the nape of my neck.
“I told you rain was romantic,” she teases.
My smile only deepens. “Very romantic,” I agree. “You were right.”
“Ooh, I like the sound of that. Say it again.”
I chuckle. “Don’t get used to it, woman. You’re still walkin’ a fine line. It’s very suspicious how you knew where I lived.”
“One, I prefer the term resourceful. And two, I’m not the one who looked up your brother and told him how in love with you I am.”
My eyebrows hike. “Oh, is that what you got from it?”
“What else was there to get?”
“I think you read it wrong.”
“Is that so?” She smiles and my whole world shimmers blindingly, despite the cloud coverage hanging above.
“Yes.” I nod, water dripping down my face. I lean closer, my mouth brushing her ear. “I told him you were my entire world. My very reason for being. Love wouldn’t even begin to cover it.”