Chapter 29 #3
“Miss Bennet, I have been a selfish man all my life and this last month proved to me I still am. During the time that was so stressful for you, I could think of little else but the happiness that your presence in my life brought me. I did everything I could for you, because I could not do otherwise.”
Her curiosity became distress, then a tumult that kept growing inside her. She felt her hands trembling and her face burning. She caught his words and his meaning but doubted her comprehension.
“Mr. Darcy…”
“I should not speak of this, I should not even think of this. It is ungenerous and thoughtless of me to trouble you with such a conversation.”
“Mr. Darcy, if you will allow me to answer, I would respond that you are judging yourself very unfairly and I find you to be the least selfish man in the world. And that this conversation troubles me less than your silence. I have opened my heart to you more than to anyone, at times when I was uncertain of my feelings for you or of yours for me. Just as you have trusted me with the truth when I offended and pained you the most, I trusted you even when I had reasons to doubt everything.”
She paused, gulping down the lump in her throat.
“You must know that you may tell me anything, without fearing that I would not consider it gentlemanlike behaviour. I was a fool once. Not anymore. You must know how grateful I am to you and how much I value your friendship. Please give me the comfort to know you may reveal your thoughts to me.”
His eyes bored deeply into hers and she felt his torment slowly flowing into her soul.
“This is precisely why I cannot,” he whispered.
“Because I know how much you value my friendship and that gratitude is your strongest feeling for me. Everything I say or ask now, you will approve and grant to me, simply because of your gratitude, from your desire to repay me. Speaking more at this moment would mean taking advantage of you and abusing your confidence.”
She was stunned, bewildered, dizzy from the thoughts spinning in her head.
“But...this is not…”
Unexpectedly, a smile brightened his countenance and he cleared his throat again. Her hand was still on his arm.
“Miss Bennet, let us join the others and enjoy this lovely day. Forgive me for detaining you so long. I should have stopped this conversation long ago.”
“Mr. Darcy, a moment sir,” she said, in a perturbed state of mind. “I cannot deny my admiration and my gratitude to you. These feelings are strong and just. But it might be slightly presumptuous of you to assume they are the only ones or the strongest ones.”
He smiled again and, to her astonishment, he kissed her gloved hand.
“Precisely. But are you truly certain of the nature of your feelings at the moment? Beyond any doubt? You must know that, by this time next year, when your mourning is over, many worthy gentlemen will compete for your favours, for your affection. Including my cousin, Colonel Fitzwilliam.”
“I have no interest in seeing gentlemen competing for my favours, either during or after my mourning period.”
“Perhaps. At least this is how you feel now. Many of your decisions have been forced by your care for the sentiments, or the safety, or the wishes of others. You deserve to have complete liberty in choosing what is best for you alone. Any discussion regarding my feelings and wishes would be inappropriate sooner. Until then, you may count on my loyal friendship.”
“Mr. Darcy?”
“Yes?”
“I am happy to see you and Miss Darcy in Hertfordshire again. Of that, there is no doubt.”
“I am happy too, Miss Bennet. Very much so.”
Eventually, they joined their friends and Elizabeth tried to respond with a joyful countenance to their silent questions.
She had insisted that he reveal more than he was willing to and when he did so, his manner of address was completely different from his impetuous marriage proposal in April.
Back then, at the parsonage, he had no doubts of a favourable answer.
He spoke of apprehension and anxiety, but his countenance expressed real security.
He had confessed his ardent love, had spoken of his struggles and expected to be rewarded with her acceptance.
Now, his concern was mostly for her sentiments, for her struggles, for her happiness. Regardless of his wishes, he had decided to offer her the liberty he believed she needed, for an entire year.
She watched him talking to his sister and his friends. He appeared at ease, resigned to his resolution.
And, as much as she had missed him, and thought of him and desired his return, she could not reject the wisdom of his words.
Undoubtedly, her feelings for him were strong and genuine and she hoped he would always be part of her life.
But the nature of those feelings and in what way she wished to be connected to him in the future was still unclear to her.
On that warm autumn day, on Oakham Mount, Elizabeth decided to respect his desire and not insist further. At least not until she knew her heart and her mind beyond any doubt, even if it took a week or an entire year.
She could only hope that, when they eventually resumed that conversation, there would be no misunderstandings and no uncertainties left between them.