Chapter 21
Solana Damita Ledesma
Ihadn’t slept in two days. I knew because Italian had brought me two breakfasts, two lunches, and two dinners, and I had yet to close my eyes.
A normal person would have hardly been able to open their eyes by now.
But I wasn’t a sane person. I was actually the opposite of sane.
Yet, insane wouldn’t be enough to describe what I was feeling right now.
With my back pressed against the wall, the bathroom had become my solace.
In here, there was water, and the floor stayed chilled.
As my skin shifted from itching to burning to agony, the water was the only thing that could soothe it.
But today, I wasn’t feeling pain on my skin.
Today, I wasn’t feeling pain at all. As a matter of fact, I was in such a state that it was hard to focus on exactly what I was feeling physically.
But mentally? Mentally was where the chaos lay.
I wanted cocaína… Shio… I craved cocaína… Shio… I didn’t want cocaína… Shio… I didn’t need cocaína. Shio… Shio… Shio…
I was losing my fucking mind. One minute, I wanted the drug and the man, and the next, I was disgusted with myself for not being able to shake it or him.
We’d only kissed. We’d only held each other.
Why did he have just as much of a hold on me as the drugs did?
I felt that if I could at least get him out of my mind and only have to battle the drugs, then my days would be much easier—much smoother.
How was it that getting on drugs had been simple?
It was actually the easiest thing in the world as long as you had access to them.
But getting yourself off them was the real challenge.
I was over it. I simply didn’t care what happened anymore.
I didn’t care if I got out of here and did a line the second I crossed the threshold.
I didn’t care if I went back to México. I didn’t care if I married a stranger. I just wanted to be done with this.
But what I did care about was if Shio ever looked at me with longing again.
I cared if he was disgusted by me. I cared about what he was doing, and who he was doing it with.
I cared more about Shio and his well-being than I did my own, and the fact that I was locked in here and couldn’t do anything about it was killing me.
His not responding to my messages was hurting me.
His being in the same space as the woman he shared a child with was killing me.
Libérame. (Free me).
I needed to be freed. Freed from this room.
Freed from my thoughts. Freed from the life my father had birthed me into, and freed from the jealousy that sat deep inside of my chest. But in order to be freed from the jealousy, I had to be freed from Shio, and I didn’t want to be freed from him. Not now, and probably not ever.
Letting my head hit the wall, I swallowed, my mouth dry even though I’d already drank four bottles of water today.
Lately, nothing was ever enough. My body was so needy, and the constant need for food confused me because Italian fed me well every day.
According to him, I needed to move my body regardless of the pain or exhaustion, so I’d been working out diligently, doing many of the exercises Shio taught me without any equipment.
He told me once that my body was a machine, so every day, at least on the days I wasn’t on the floor screaming bloody murder, I worked out, or at least I tried.
The water consumption for the constant thirst, no matter how much I drunk, was needed.
I needed something to believe in, so I was on my knees praying, or doing what I thought was praying, multiple times a day.
There was a Bible on the nightstand that I’d popped open a few times.
Most of the words I couldn’t decode in Spanish to comprehend what I was reading.
It all sounded so ancient. It all proved that I needed Shio.
Picking up the phone from where I left it after my last message to him, I debated whether to call.
I wasn’t in the mood to move my fingers, so I tapped the audio button.
When the recording started, I took a deep breath and stopped it.
Before I could delete it, it was sent by mistake.
Seconds later, the read receipt told me Shio had heard it before it changed to the word “kept.” That infuriated me.
He was openly ignoring me. He could have turned the read receipts off, but he doubled down and chose to keep my silent audio message. His lack of care had me seeing red.
Selecting the button again, I placed the phone to my mouth.
“Escuchas pero no respondes. (You listen but do not reply.)”
I paused, feeling a tingle in my gums that had me swiping my tongue across them.
“You want to break me, Shio. I did not see it then, but I see it now. You put me here, in the basement with no treatment. You gave me a phone, but you have not responded to one text message. You swap me for Bahati. You want to break me. But you cannot break a person who does not care. One feeling the drugs did to me was give me a careless attitude. This—this what you do. It may hurt my body but it does not hurt my spirit. Whatever sick lesson you try to get me to learn, save it for another. Uriah or Bahati. I do not care. You regret so badly that I was placed in your life, Shio, but so do I. When I get out of here, you will be nothing more than a memory. Actually, una pesadilla (a nightmare). This does not matter… You do not matter. I just want you to know.”
After releasing the button and pressing send, I dropped the phone before I could see the read or kept notification.
Picking up the real reason for my coming into the bathroom, I blinked my eyes because, just like my throat, they too were dry.
But I knew they were dry from lack of sleep.
They were dry because I’d finally gotten the courage to open the leather, brown notebook again and read.
Today, I had to convince my son that I didn’t care.
It’s better that way. If he thinks I have no regard for he and his mother, then me not stepping up for them in the way that I should won’t sting as bad.
Still, each day that Shio grows, each day that he peers at me, I see the respect drifting far away.
I don’t know how I feel about that. I do know, but the more I convince myself that I do not care, the better it would be for everyone.
Shio stood in front of me, eyes glossed over.
His little chest had filled out, and his voice was beginning to deepen.
He still had many years before he hit puberty, but he’d grown from the little Shio that used to run around the house, playing hide and seek with his cousins.
It made me sad that my baby boy was growing up because I knew he was only growing up as fast as he was due to the lifestyle he’d been placed in.
He no longer looked at me with longing; he no longer looked to me for answers.
He’d become his own man, and that hurt, but I had no room for hurt.
It’s why I was sitting behind my desk, void of emotion, as I stared at the boy before me.
I’d lost my son years ago. The night of the snake bite had been the start, and it had only declined from there.
The more Shio grew away from me, the more I used.
It was a wonder I hadn’t overdosed with how raw my nostrils always were from how much I used.
Still, I stared at him as he stared at me.
Being high helped me hide my emotions, whereas Shio was showing his.
“I don’t ask you for anything. I don’t even talk to you.”
“Shio, what is the meaning of you disturbing me?”
My hands were on the black box that held my evening candy, and I was eager to get to it.
When the drugs wore off, reality hit, and when reality hit, I was unable to sit in the guilt.
Guilt couldn’t do anything for me. But a bump could.
I wouldn’t do it in front of Shio because Shannon had asked I not.
“I know you don’t give a fuck about me. But you could at least do better for my mama.”
Shio and Shannon had a special bond. One that I secretly loathed, and at the same time cherished.
Over the years, they had learned to lean on one another.
Shannon was always so gentle with him, whereas the mob was harsh.
But seeing her with him just served as a reminder that I not only did not have a relationship with Shio, but I couldn’t have one with Tunan either.
“I care about you, Shio.”
“You don’t! You don’t fucking care. If you did, you’d stick up for me.”
“I don’t stick up for you, Shio, because you need this.
You need every lesson. The world is cruel, and one day, you’ll have a position and power, and you’ll need all of what you’re going through now in order to navigate it.
As far as your mother, I love her. But, in this life, there isn’t much room for love.
So, the best I can do is make sure we survive. ”
“There is always room for love. But you know what there is no room for?”
Instead of answering, I watched him blink down his emotion. That’s my boy.
“Cowards. You’re a coward. You are weak, Daddy. You’re weak, and you’re a coward, and I hate that my mama ever met you. I’ll take the mistreatments, I’ll take the punishments. But my mama doesn’t deserve this. Any of this.”
“She’s in this life.”
“Because of you! Because of you!”
His chest heaved. The lessons had given my young son defined muscles already.
“You said I’ll have position and power one day, and I will, but it will have nothing to do with the Cuppacios. Nothing to do with the mafia.”
I know, son.
Instead of replying, I opened the box and my mouth immediately after as I stared at the small mountain of cocaine. Running my tongue across my teeth and gums, I could almost feel the high, and I had touched the drug just hours ago.
Clank clash