Chapter 26
Solana Damita Ledesma
Ididn’t know if the camera Shio had been spying on me with was working anymore, and quite frankly, I no longer cared.
I had also powered the phone off and promised myself I wouldn’t turn it back on unless there was an emergency.
Shio didn’t get to spy on me any longer.
He didn’t get to leave my messages on read.
He had broken the last straw when I texted him last night that I had taken the towel down I’d tossed over the painting to cover the black dot, and he read the message but didn’t respond.
This morning, I threw the hair dryer at the black dot, hoping to break it.
I was sure it was broken because I’d thrown it four times.
I felt better afterward and decided that one of the first things I’d do once free was go to one of those places that let you break things.
The adrenaline from the throws made me feel alive.
When Dasani and the American mob wives left, they made Italian give them the key, saying I didn’t need to be locked up like an animal.
Jisei told me to move up to her bedroom, but I declined.
I had grown to like the room, and I felt it was actually working.
I assumed that my not craving the drug was only a temporary fix, and that one day the craving would return, but maybe if I stayed put longer, the likelihood of that happening would be lower.
It was almost like I had been watching a clock, waiting for the cocaine craving to return.
I had been passing the time with Shio’s father’s journal, centering my internal thoughts on him and how his life somewhat mirrored mine when it came to drugs.
Anytime I wanted to read, I went inside the bathroom and closed the door, locking it in case someone came inside the room.
When I saw the boy, the one who had been my supplier, I knew I would fall back into the slump.
I knew that the weeks did not change me, and I would find a way to ask him for some cocaine.
But that wasn’t the case. I did have a few seconds of wanting, but that quickly faded the moment he left the basement and didn’t come back.
Over the last few days, there had only been the girls and Italian visiting.
I had yet to see the baby I knew was here from time to time, because not only had I heard her little voice, but Pearla had told me her friend had a baby.
These days, my head was clearer—much clearer—so it didn’t take me long to put everything together.
Pearla’s friend, who had the baby everyone fawned over, was Glow’s little sister, and Glow lived next door.
A woman that Shio had been interested in at one point or another was mere steps away from where I’d been real nigga rehabbing.
At first, I had no reason to feel any type of way about Shio and his line-up of women.
But after he made my body feel celestial (heavenly), I had a lot of care about the women in Shio’s life.
And after he came over and did the things he’d done to my body, I had every right to feel how I felt.
What I couldn’t understand was how it was possible for one human to make another’s body feel such pleasure, and that pleasure was better than any high I’d ever had.
I’d been doing drugs for some time and had never had that feeling or experience.
I couldn’t help but wonder if the experience was like that with everyone or if I’d only felt the satisfaction because it was Shio.
Gnawing on my bottom lip, I could still feel fog surrounding me as I lay on the bed with a towel wrapped around my hair and my body.
It was late because I had slept most of the day away.
According to the TV, it was nearing two in the morning, and the house was still.
Italian and the others must have taken their hanging out somewhere else tonight.
Although the metal door was now open, Italian continued to bring me my meals because I wouldn’t leave the room.
Yesterday was Pia’s gender reveal party, and I had received an invitation to join them.
I declined to go, scared about everything that came with leaving Jisei’s basement.
I was scared of the many possibilities of what could happen when I did leave.
I wasn’t ready to see Shio, especially if I had to see him with Bahati.
I didn’t want to see the boy who made my craving come back at first sight.
I’d been missing Shio’s daughter and wanted to see her, but I couldn’t handle seeing them be one big happy family among other people they called family.
Italian had encouraged me to at least fix my own food yesterday and had left me a piece of mail with Jisei’s address and a card to order food if I didn’t want to cook.
The credit card did not have his name on it, though.
Shio’s was printed across it, and it sent me into a slumber.
It was still on the dresser when Italian brought down breakfast this morning, but he left it there even after I told him to take it.
I had been upset all day yesterday from just seeing Shio’s name, and because I was upset, I chose sleep and starvation.
I happily ate the breakfast and lunch Italian brought down before falling into another slumber today—this one induced by the drug detox.
Now, I was awake, looking crazy and feeling crazier.
Instead of going into the bathroom to read more about Sandro, I settled onto the bed to watch a movie about a girl who was searching for her family after believing she was adopted.
I had been addicted to watching the movies on this network called Lifetime.
We had telenovelas in México, but nothing this fascinating.
I made sure to watch the movies in Spanish but had the American captions turned on.
I’d been learning so much from that simple trick and planned to ask Italian for paper soon to practice my English writing.
The movie made me think of my own family so I turned the TV off.
I knew I wasn’t adopted, but I wished for some information on my mother’s family so I could meet them and learn about my mother.
Hopefully, Shio would help me, but if he couldn’t, I would ask the American mob wives.
They were adamant that I would be fine here with them, and as much as I did not want to accept help from anyone, I was not stupid enough to believe I could make it in this country without any allies.
As long as the Rodríguezes didn’t bother them, I would accept their friendship.
“No. I will not let my thoughts go there.”
Standing, I walked into the bathroom, grabbed the vanity edge, and closed my eyes. Pearla and I had talked about triggers, and along with my father, the Rodríguezes were a trigger. Tightening the towel around my head, I closed my eyes and began the breathing exercises that Mahzeyah had taught me.
“I can overcome the addiction. I am sober. My life is bigger than the drug I am addicted to.”
Water dripped down the side of my head and steadied my thoughts.
I opened my eyes and repeated my new mantra.
The fog from my shower was still faint even though I’d taken the shower over thirty minutes ago.
I usually wouldn’t shower this late at night, but while I was sleeping, a rush of liquid flooded my panties.
I still had two weeks or so until my period, but it had changed before so I thought I had come on my cycle early.
When I went into the bathroom to check, it was just an odorless liquid accompanied by some mild cramping.
Not in the mood to blow dry my hair just yet, I pulled from the vanity and opened the cabinet underneath it.
I removed the hair dryer that was still in perfect condition even though I had launched it at the wall multiple times.
I attached the comb and set it aside before grabbing the hair oil and the notebook that had become my best friend.
Setting the hair items on the vanity, the notebook knocked over the bottle of perfume.
Thoughts of Shio surfaced, making my stomach ache with yearning.
It was crazy that these days I didn’t crave the drug but a man.
Disgusted with myself, I needed to escape my thoughts.
I grabbed the notebook and tucked it under my arm before picking up the perfume bottle.
Removing the cap, I doused myself with it.
My skin was still damp in some areas, especially my upper body, because my hair was wet under the towel.
Undoing the towel wrapped around my body, I let the cold perfume mist settle over me.
Once I was satisfied that I was soaked in the fragrance, I sat on the closed toilet lid, crossed one leg over the other, and opened the brown notebook.
I still felt a little guilty about taking the journal, but I had gained so much insight into who Shio was that I could not regret my decision.
My entire life, I had never really known anyone.
I knew what they wanted me to know, and that was usually things that didn’t matter much.
My papa, for instance, had never told me he didn’t want to marry me off to the Rodríguezes, nor did I know he was in debt to Shio’s Don.
I never really knew my older brothers because their madre (mother) made sure to keep them away from me.
The only reason I was allowed near my younger brothers was because she did not want to care for them.
The tourists I partied with were always a one-off thing, so I didn’t have any friends my age.
I didn’t know anyone, and before being tossed in this room, I didn’t know much about myself either.