Chapter 18
eighteen
There were about a thousand reasons that I was looking forward to turning sixteen, but I had to say one of the major ones was that I was concerned if I kept being driven around by my brother, I would end up with a brain injury before graduation.
When he pulled into the driveway coming home from the mall, I slid out of the backseat feeling slightly nauseous.
“I think that was a new record,” Ainsley said chipperly. She seemed about as unaffected by Sebastian’s driving as Nora, who had been sitting in the front seat, one hand intertwined with Sebastian’s which made his driving only seem that much dangerous. Meanwhile, I felt like I had boat legs.
“We have to make the most of our afternoon,” Sebastian said, running a hand through his brown hair.
“Yeah,” Nora agreed in a teasing tone, “can’t lose the precious time we have to play soccer video games, then play real soccer in the backyard, and then, if there’s time, show off how good your muscles look in your soccer uniform.”
“I have to make sure I look good for my girlfriend,” Sebastian said, grinning at Nora.
She beamed up at him. “I do love your muscles.”
Ainsley pretended to gag, but they ignored her. I trudged up the stairs, still feeling a little woozy from Sebastian’s driving. I held onto the railing of the stairs and tried not to tip straight into the steps in front of me, while Ainsley laughed at me.
“You’re way too dramatic,” she said as we reached the top steps. “It was only slightly terrifying.”
“I think I aged five years.” I dropped my purse in my room and immediately started pulling off my jeans, wanting to change into more comfortable clothes now that I was home.
Ainsley just dropped her bag on the floor of the hallway and started doing the same as me.
I was convinced we’d switched half our clothing around since she often changed in my room like this if we came home at the same time, but I didn’t mind.
“Only six more days until we can get our learner’s permits,” Ainsley said wistfully.
She took off her skirt and immediately moved to my closet to find a pair of lounge pants instead of walking the ten feet to her own room.
I rolled my eyes but didn’t say anything as I reached past her to grab sweats for myself.
“If we pass it on the first try,” I said.
She spun around to look at me incredulously. “What? How would we not pass?”
“Well, there is a written test.”
“That only an idiot wouldn’t be able to pass.” She stalked over to my desk to pick up my driver’s ed manual. “You’ve been studying this, right?”
I rolled my eyes. “Have you met me? Of course I’ve been studying it.”
“Then why are you worried?”
I grinned. “Well, they do drive on the wrong side of the road here.” I laughed as Ainsley threw a pillow at me. “I was just looking out for you! Never know when you might get mixed up.”
“Ha ha,” Ainsley said. She finally picked up her bag and headed into her own room. Naturally, I followed her and dropped onto her bed. The nerves gnawed deep in my belly. I picked at a loose thread on her bedspread to avoid looking at her as I broached the unspoken subject.
“So, uh, there’s something I wanted to talk to you about,” I said.
Since having the thought yesterday that I could invite Dad to our birthday party, I hadn’t been able to shake it off, but I knew I needed to broach the idea with Ainsley before I did anything.
I still had no plans to tell her that I would be the one inviting him, but I wanted to make sure that it wouldn’t ruin the day for her if he showed up. I wasn’t looking to ruin her birthday.
Ainsley looked at me in concern, probably able to tell immediately from my tone that I was nervous.
We didn’t have twin telepathy like everyone loved to ask about, but she still was my best friend in the world and the person who knew me better than anyone.
I was still amazed that I’d managed to keep everything going on with Dad a secret from her the past few months—though, admittedly, it had come at the cost of her thinking I was pulling away.
“What is it?” she asked, coming to sit next to me on the bed.
With the look on her face, you would think I was about to tell her I had a terminal illness or something.
But maybe it was for the best that she was jumping to the worst-case scenario first—asking about Dad would seem like nothing compared to what was in her head.
“What if…” I swallowed, hating how hard it was for the words to get out.
It was a simple enough topic to bring up, yet the thought of directly mentioning Dad to her made my throat close up, just like when Sebastian had brought him up to me in the car last week.
It was strange to live in the in-between like I was right now, one foot in this family where the mention of Dad was forbidden and one foot in Dad’s new life.
Like I was in both worlds, but not truly belonging to either.
“You know how we’ve been planning the party for so long…
Dad knows about it. What if he shows up? ”
She’s silent for so long that I started counting my breaths.
I made it to five before I finally dared to look at Ainsley again.
To my relief, she didn’t look immediately angry at the question.
I’d been worried that she might immediately shut down and refuse to discuss it at all, which would have been all the answer I needed.
The fact that she looked like she was even considering the question was a good sign. Maybe she was ready for this step.
“Do you think he would?” she asked. “Show up unannounced like that?”
It wouldn’t exactly be unannounced if I invited him, but since I couldn’t tell her that, I just shrugged. “Maybe? It’s our birthday. If there was ever a time to try to come back, it would be a special event.”
Lavender’s birthday was coming up at the end of the month too, but I knew he wouldn’t dare come to that.
Lavender had been the most vocal of us that she had no interest in seeing Dad again and even he wouldn’t go against that.
And the only other major days coming up were Christmas and New Year’s, which he probably wanted to spend with Hilary, as much as I hated to admit that.
I really hoped I could get him to break up with her before then—I’d never been in a relationship, but I had to assume spending the holidays together was a major step forward, and one I wanted to avoid them reaching if I could.
“I guess…” Ainsley let out a breath. “Well, I guess that wouldn’t be so bad.”
I barely stopped myself from squealing from delight. “You mean that? Really?”
One of her shoulders lifted in an almost-shrug, but she didn’t look up at me. “Sometimes, over the last few months… I’ve actually…” She squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head. “I’ve missed him.”
For a moment I felt relieved hearing that. Relieved in knowing that she missed him the same way that I did. And then that relief melted into guilt when I realized maybe I should’ve been honest with her about where I’d been going for these last few months. Maybe she would’ve come with me.
“I didn’t realize that,” I whispered. “I always just assumed you all…”
I trailed off, not sure what to say exactly.
That I assumed none of them cared? That I thought I was the only one not over it?
I’d been worrying these past few weeks that I was taking too long to convince Dad to come back, that by the time he finally came around, they all would have moved on with their lives without him.
How bad had the rift between Ainsley and I become that I’d missed that she felt the same as me?
“It feels wrong to say,” Ainsley whispered in a broken voice. Even though I couldn’t see her eyes, I could hear her tears in the way she talked. “Sebastian and Lavender, they hate him so much. But… he’s my dad.” Her voice broke on the final word. “Is it so bad that I want him around sometimes?”
I moved to sit as close to her as possible, the sides of our legs pressing together, and wrapped my arms around her in a hug. She tucked her head into the crook of my shoulder, and I felt as her tears started to leak, brushing against my skin.
“No,” I whispered. “I don’t think it’s wrong at all.”