11. Theo Fairview
Ilost time.
My head was pounding, and my entire face felt swollen and tight from all the tears I must have cried.
I groaned and rolled, feeling confused for a moment that birds were chirping and that I could feel the sun on my face.
What the fuck?
Sitting up and placing a hand to my aching skull, I cracked one eye open and nearly jumped in surprise when I found myself in what looked like a cemetery.
Shit. Not again.
Rubbing my eyes furiously with the palms of my hands, I let out an irritated huff as I took in more of my surroundings.
I’d been passed out on the grass, right in front of my father’s grave.
Hey, Dad. Fancy seeing you here…
My empty fifth of vodka rolled away from me as I shifted more firmly into a sitting position, and my chest tightened with sadness as I realized I was also surrounded by what looked like a handful of Q-Tips.
Fuck.
Definitely still drunk, but not in a good way, I choked on a soft sob and picked up one of the tiny cotton swabs.
Turning to face my dad’s headstone, I placed it carefully on the lip of the grave before resting my forehead on the granite marker.
“It’s not working anymore, Dad,” I whispered.
Of course, he didn’t answer.
I didn’t have the same ability Ryan had to see the dead, and even if I did, Ryan had told me our dad’s ghost was long gone. He’d disappeared after his funeral.
I knew he wasn’t here, but maybe that was why I came here to talk to him all the time.
The dead couldn’t pass judgment or share secrets.
He was the only person I felt safe talking to about any of this with, and a large part of that was because I didn’t want anyone still living to know.
I was ashamed and scared.
If I told anyone, and they said even one thing to confirm my suspicions that what had happened could have been prevented if I’d just made better choices, I wouldn’t survive it.
As an adult, I knew I could have stopped it if I’d told someone.
But if I’d told someone, I would have had to press charges, or make it this big public thing, and then everyone would know.
I would have spent my entire life being known as the girl who got molested, instead of having the freedom to be my own person.
And what if they blamed me?
What if I’d done something to make him do that to me?
I never told him no.
I never said stop.
I just stood there and took it.
Maybe if I’d told him to stop, he would have.
Maybe it was my fault.
I’d made it too easy for him.
Maybe he thought I liked it.
The thought of him thinking I’d wanted any of that made me so sick I literally retched.
Curling to the side so I wouldn’t puke directly on my dad, I heaved, and whatever was left of the vodka I’d consumed left me in a burning rush of clear fluid.
After several more soul-crushing rounds of dry heaving, my body finally allowed me to relax, and I shuddered.
Wiping my mouth with the back of my wrist, I turned my gaze back to my father’s headstone.
“Sorry, Dad,” I whispered, though I knew he didn’t mind.
I glanced down at the lonely Q-Tip and rolled it back and forth with my index finger.
“I tried. I tried to think of three good things, but… It’s not working anymore. I don’t… I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to be like this. I just… I want it to be over. I just don’t know how to make it stop.”
Tears stung my eyes, and I hung my head, feeling pathetic, embarrassed, and ashamed that I’d allowed myself to end up here, yet again, begging my dead father to help me with something I’d never asked for help with when he’d been alive.
“I wish you were here to tell me what to do.”
A warm breeze wafted through the bright, quiet cemetery, and as it tangled with my hair, I imagined it was my father doing what he could to comfort me.
As if on cue, my phone–which was miraculously still in my pocket–vibrated, and I slipped it out, half expecting to see my dad’s old contact number on the screen.
It wasn’t my dad. But it was someone just as good.
Cass:
Where the fuck are you? I came by your place last night, and you weren’t home. Cal says you’re still out. Did you fuck that bartender?
A surprised laugh burst out of my chest just as that warm breeze rustled through the trees again, and a leaf fluttered down to land directly on my phone.
I smiled. Why did that feel like some kind of sign? If my mother were here, she would have told me it was an omen.
As much as I liked to poke fun at her for all her witchy shit, it was somewhat comforting to know that the universe seemed to have some sort of plan for us. Iris had proven it to me time and time again with her strangely accurate predictions.
Hell, she’d been telling us Callum was coming for Ryan since we were both little kids.
Maybe this tiny, unassuming leaf on my phone when I’d received a text from Cass in one of my greatest moments of need was my father’s way of trying to tell me something?
Or maybe that was the biggest stretch in the world, and I was just desperate for something good to happen to me for once.
What did I know?
All I knew was that Cass was looking for me, and I was so excited about it that it almost made me forgive myself for being such a mess.
Theo:
Good morning, princess. Always nice to hear from you :)
Cass:
Don’t get cute with me, Theodora. Where the fuck are you?
Theo:
I just went for a walk, baby girl. No need to curse.
I could almost see the adorable scowl on her perfect face as the little dots appeared to indicate she was writing me back.
Cass:
You went for a walk? All night? If you fucked that bartender, just say so.
Theo:
You seem to be pretty hung up on this bartender. Are you… jealous?
Cass:
Bye.
Theo:
Awww, come on, I’m sorry. Come back. I was just playing. I didn’t fuck the bartender. I swear. I just went out for a walk and lost track of time. Crashed at a friend’s house.
I glanced up at my dad’s grave, smirking.
“Just play along, Dad,” I murmured, and that breeze whispered through the trees again. I imagined he was laughing.
Cass:
Be so fucking for real, Theodora. You have fewer friends than I do.
I snorted. She wasn’t wrong about that.
Theo:
Who needs friends when I have you, baby girl? <3
Cass:
You’re impossible.
Theo:
If I were easy, you’d be bored already.
Cass:
Whatever.
There was a long enough pause that I wondered if she was done with me. I was about to slip my phone back into my pocket and start working on finding a way home when it buzzed again.
Cass:
All jokes aside… are you okay?
I stared at the text, my fingers hovering over the keyboard.
I wasn’t okay.
I knew I wasn’t.
I was wrecked from drinking all that vodka, and it was seriously going to fuck with my endurance during training later.
There was a sharp pain in my side, and I knew it was my liver yelling at me.
My whole body was inflamed, and I was stiff and maybe getting a little sick from sleeping on the ground all night…
but… Cass had come to my place to find me.
She’d messaged me to see if I was okay. She’d been worried I’d fucked a bartender for Christ’s sake…
Maybe she didn’t hate me as much as she wanted me to think she did.
Even just this small scrap of affection from her was enough to bring me back to life. It was giving me something to hope for. Something to look forward to.
I smiled and responded.
Theo:
I am now, princess.