59. Theo Fairview #2
“Ya think I drank as much as I did because it was fun or something I wanted tuh be doing? No. It was because I didn’t know how else tuh drown out all the fucked up shit my pa had done to my ma and me as a kid.
Took me years in AA to come to terms with that.
The difference between you and me though, Theo, is I was never quite as fuckin’ suicidal as you clearly are. ”
“Wh-what?” I rasped. “I’m not fucking suicidal!” I snarled, but Jerry’s eyes just hardened.
“Yeah, ya fuckin’ are.”
“Fuck off. It’s not like I’m slitting my wrists or some shit. So I have to drink sometimes to level out… That’s not… That doesn’t make me suicidal!”
“No. What makes ya suicidal is yer determination to fuckin’ drink yerself stupid before stepping into a ring in a league where casualties are encouraged.
Ya knew DeLuca would kill yah if she could.
And ya still showed up drunk. Ya gonna get wasted before the fight with the Russian, too, just to make sure the job gets done right this time? ”
“I didn’t… I didn’t do that on purpose… I’d just… Something happened the night before, and I was triggered. I couldn’t very well call off the fight the night before it happened! I wasn’t trying to kill myself!”
Jerry gave me a flat look and pursed his lips.
“I think ya’ve been tryna kill yerself for a long time, kid, and I’m not gonna stand by and watch ya do it anymore.”
My mouth gaped as I realized what he was telling me.
“Wait… you’re not… Are you quitting on me?”
“Unless ya agree to get some help, then yeah. That’s exactly what I’m doing, kid.
I’m not gonna help ya end your life. I care too much about ya tah stand by and watch yah destroy yerself like this.
I thought I was helping yah before… making sure you could hold yer own in this fucked up league you insist on competing in…
I told myself, ‘she’s gonna do it with or without my help anyway, might as well make sure she has a fighting chance,’ but…
I can see now it doesn’t matter what I do.
Yer gonna find a way to get yerself killed no matter what.
So, I’m out, Theodora. If you’re so determined to destroy yourself, yer on yer own. I can’t be a part of this.”
“Jerry! No! What the fuck!? Wait… let’s at least talk about this. I am getting help. I have a session scheduled with a therapist first thing after the fight with the Russian. I swear!” I rasped desperately.
My heart was slamming against my ribs as pure panic ripped through me.
Jerry couldn’t quit on me… I fucking needed him!
There was no way I could secure another coach in time this close to my fight with the Russian; besides, training with anyone other than Jerry just felt… wrong.
He’d been a rock, a safe, calm presence in my life that I hadn’t even realized how much I’d come to rely on until I was faced with the prospect of losing him.
Getting out of my seat, I stalked up to his desk and literally dropped to my knees in front of it.
Reaching across the table to grab his hands in mine, I pinned him with a pleading look.
My eyes were full of tears, and I knew if I so much as blinked, the evidence of my shame would spill down my cheeks.
“What can I do?” I begged. “What can I do to convince you I’ll take this fight seriously?
I won’t show up drunk. I’ll… I’ll quit drinking for good if that’s what you want.
Please, Jerry. I’m not suicidal, I just…
I need to fight. I need it.” I choked on my words, and I hated the way he was looking at me like I was breaking his damn heart.
“It’s not that simple, Theodora. Yer reasons for fighting are just as bad as yer reasons for drinking.
It’s not a career for yuh, it’s a way for ya to hurt yerself.
For some reason, ya think ya deserve it, and until ya work through all that, I can’t trust that yer not gonna pull a punch one day that’s gonna get ya killed.
Ya think I didn’t notice that ya let Andrea Bulgetti get that lick in a few fights ago?
Ya always do that when they can’t land a hit.
It baffled me for years, but I get it now.
Ya want them to hurt you. Can ya not see how fucked up that is?
Can ya not understand how hard it is for the people that care about ya to watch ya let shit like that happen? ”
“I told you, I’m gonna go to therapy. I’ll quit drinking. I just… Please don’t bail on me now, Jer. We’re so close; the fight with the Russian is only a few weeks away. I can’t pull out now. Everyone’s gonna think I’m some weak bitch or something…”
They’re gonna know.
They’re all gonna know how fucking pathetic I am, and I can’t handle that. If the whole world sees me for what I really am, then I might as well actually just fucking kill myself because I would never survive the shame…
“Please, Jerry. Just… one more fight, okay? Just, help me win this last fight then…” I swallowed as I realized what I was going to promise to get him to stay.
“Just get me through this fight with the Russian, then I’ll think about quitting, okay?” I was still gripping his hands over the table between us, and my heart soared as I realized what I’d just said seemed to be getting through to him.
He stared at me for a long moment, and I watched his throat roll as he carefully searched my face.
“Promise me. Promise me after this fight, yer done with this fucked up league. We can discuss what we’re gonna do next, but we’re done here, Theodora. I won’t do this with ya anymore.”
I nodded frantically, gripping his thick, weathered fingers so hard my knuckles turned white.
“I swear. I promise. Just this one last fight, then we can figure something else out. Maybe I’ll go legit or something. I’ve got enough money saved, so we can take some time to work out whatever you want. Just please don’t abandon me. Not now.”
Jerry’s eyes turned glassy with what I refused to acknowledge were literal tears at the word ‘abandon,’ and he let out a gruff cough that might have been a repressed sob.
“I won’t abandon ya, kiddo,” he muttered, squeezing my fingers back. “But I have one more condition. I want ya to come to a meeting with me.”
I wasn’t able to stop my nose from scrunching up at that request, but I quickly forced myself to smooth out my features as his expression immediately hardened again at my clear disdain for the idea.
“Yer coming to a meeting, or I’m out,” he said firmly, and I sighed but nodded.
“Fine… but isn’t AA like… all religious and shit? I’m gay as fuck, Jer, and most of the shit I’m all fucked up over comes from religious trauma. I don’t know how helpful it’s gonna be for me to go to some program that’s trying to shove God down my throat.”
To my absolute relief, Jerry’s expression softened again, and he gently pried his fingers out of my death grip, only to pat my hand affectionately in response.
“That’s fair, kid. But ya don’t need tah worry.
The whole thing started as a Christian movement, but it’s not like that anymore, especially not the meeting I’m gonna take ya too.
The word ‘god’ is used to just represent a higher power outside of yerself.
It can mean whatever that looks like for you.
We got all sorts that come through… Ya won’t be the only person that’s ‘gay as fuck’ as you put it. I can tell ya that for free.”
I nodded, though I was still feeling skeptical. Not that it mattered how I felt about it, I was going. If this was the only way to keep Jerry from quitting on me, I was going to suck it up and show up.
One meeting wouldn’t kill me. It’s not like I had to participate or whatever. I was just going to keep Jerry happy.
“Okay. I’ll go,” I agreed, and my entire body sagged in relief when Jerry smiled at me.
“Good. That makes me feel a lot better, kid.”
I nodded, giving him a shaky smile in return before finally releasing him and getting to my feet.
“I’m glad… Good… talk, I guess.” I laughed awkwardly, rubbing the back of my neck. “I’m uh, heading to the range for the afternoon… Are we still on for drills tomorrow?”
Jerry let out a rough chuckle and nodded.
“Yeah, kid. Yer loading up before every right hand. We need to get that worked out before ya step in the ring or yer toast.”
I grinned at him and nodded, just as my phone chimed in my bag, signaling that Vox was outside and waiting to pick me up.
“We’ll get it sorted… Thanks, old man. I–” My tongue suddenly felt too big for my mouth as I caught myself nearly telling him I love you.
“Just… thanks,” I said finally, and he just let out a rough grunt.
“Yeah. Love you too, kid. Now get out of here before I change my mind and make ya take up gardening or something safer.”
“Gross. I would never take up gardening. Too many fucking spiders, man.”
“Get out of here, Theodora.” He chuckled, and I grinned, scrambling out of his office before he really did change his mind on me.
I still wasn’t sure about the idea of quitting the league, but at least I’d bought myself some time to figure everything out, and I would still get my chance to face off with the Russian and prove to myself and everyone else that I was the best Silent Hollow had ever seen.
For right now, I just needed to keep my head down, focus, and try not to crash out again before the fight.
Wrapping my fingers round the silver charm Cass had given me, I really felt like I could do it.
As awful as that conversation with Jerry had been, it had shown me that he cared about me way more than I’d ever given him credit for.
Between him and Cass, I was feeling more supported than I had in years.
Maybe I could move through this if I had people like Cass and Jerry in my corner.
Maybe I wasn’t as alone as I’d thought.