76. Theo Fairview
I’d barely managed to take a sip of the tequila I’d found in my mother’s kitchen when Ryan had interrupted me.
In my manic need to drown out the phantom touches, I hadn’t exactly been quiet in my desperate hunt for vodka, and I must have woken him up as I’d crashed through the house.
“Theo? What are you doing here?” His confusion quickly turned to concern as he took in the cursed heels that were still somehow on my feet, and the bottle of alcohol I was clutching at my side.
“Theo? What’s wrong?”
“Nothing… I just… came to train,” I lied, barely managing to get the words out of my mouth as I stumbled past him.
My ankle rolled in the stupid fucking heels, and I snarled in frustration before kicking them off so hard they launched across the kitchen.
One of them hit the vase of lilies on the kitchen table, and it went tumbling to the floor, shattering into a million pieces.
I stepped over the wet, broken glass, and the bite of pain that erupted through me as my bare feet lacerated on the debris was a brief reprieve from the gentle touches I could still feel running up and down the insides of my thighs.
“Jesus Christ, Theo, what the fuck?” Ryan bellowed, and I gritted my teeth against the unbearable buzzing feeling that was quickly overwhelming me.
Ignoring my brother, I stumbled down the stairs in an attempt to get away from him, taking a deep swig of tequila as I went.
There was more shouting, but I slammed the door to the basement shut behind me in what I hoped was a clear sign I needed to be left alone.
The world was spinning, and I couldn’t tell which way was up or down as I made my way down the cold, dark halls toward the small gym I’d set up next to the embalming room.
Ryan usually left me alone when I was in there.
He knew not to bother me when I was training.
He would take the hint…
I just needed… I needed a quiet place to drink this bottle of tequila until I was too wasted to succumb to the flashbacks.
I just needed…
I just needed a minute…
Relying almost entirely on muscle memory, I found myself in my tiny concrete sanctuary, and I took another burning swig of tequila.
It wouldn’t be long now.
A couple more sips, and the booze would kick in, and I’d be able to close my eyes again without seeing that fucking office…
Without seeing his face…
With the hand that wasn’t clutching my bottle, I focused on the bag hanging in the middle of the cold, windowless room. It was one of the only things in here. There was a small rack of free weights and a mini fridge, but all I cared about right now was the bag.
I swung on it, hitting it as hard as I could, hoping to split my knuckles on the unforgiving canvas the way my feet had split on the glass in the kitchen.
Relief flooded through me as pain exploded up my arm from the sloppy punch, but it was short-lived.
To my dismay, Ryan hadn’t taken the hint.
He barked my name from the door to the gym, and I spun to glare at him.
He wasn’t alone. Cal was with him now, and they were both looking at me with matching expressions of concern on their faces.
“Theo, what the fuck is going on? It’s almost eleven o’clock at night. What are you doing here? Where’s Cass?” Ryan asked, and I growled at him.
“Fuck off, Ryan. Leave me alone. I don’t have time to deal with your bullshit right now.” I snapped. I was angry now. Angry that he was inserting himself into my business like this.
I shouldn’t have come here.
I should have gone to the cemetery… but…
I’d needed booze and I’d been in no state to go all the way to the liquor store.
It had been urgent.
This was the quickest way my traumatized mind knew how to get what it needed, especially considering I knew Cass didn’t even keep wine in the condo anymore.
“Hey!” Cal snapped. He suddenly wasn’t looking concerned anymore. He was looking pissed. “Don’t fucking talk to him like that.” He snarled, and for a moment, I was taken aback by the venom in his voice.
Then… I had an idea.
I’d been planning on pounding this bag until my knuckles bled in the hopes that the pain would help ground me, but…
There was an easier way to get hurt, and it was standing right in front of me.
Next to Vox, Callum Walker was the most dangerous person I’d ever met. He might be retired, but I knew if he wanted to, he could fuck me up with very little effort.
But… we were friends, and I knew he would never hurt me on purpose.
Not unless I threatened the one person he loved more than anything in the world.
A sly smirk curled across my face, and my shattered mind desperately clung to the idea of provoking Cal until he hurt me.
“If you’re going to come in here and get all up in my shit, then you might as well fucking make it interesting,” I growled, turning my attention to my brother, who was looking more and more worried by the second.
“Why’d you come down here, Ryan? You wanna spar?” I hissed, and he shook his head, his gaze falling to the bottle of tequila still hanging loosely between my fingers.
“Give me the bottle, Theo. You shouldn’t be drinking when you’re this upset. Why don’t you come upstairs, and we can talk?” he asked softly. He was creeping toward me now, with his hands held palm up, as if he were approaching a wounded animal.
And maybe that’s what I was.
I growled at him, jerking backward as he reached for the bottle, and in a fit of panicked fury, I launched it at him.
The bottle shattered at his feet. Glass and liquor exploded across the floor, and he leaped back in surprise.
“Jesus, Theo!” Ryan shouted, but I was too far gone to care. Advancing on him now, I barely felt the glass digging into my feet as I stalked toward him.
“Come on, Ryan, fucking fight me!” I shouted, and his face went white with shock.
Cal grabbed Ryan by his shirt and tore him away from me. The ex-mercenary positioned himself between my brother and me, and I’d never heard him sound so cold as he turned dark, dead eyes on me. He spoke slowly, as if he were doing everything in his power to push back his own demons.
But I didn’t want him to push them back. I wanted him to unleash them on me.
I wanted to feel the pain of his fists as he laid into me.
I just wanted him to make it stop.
“I get that you’re upset, but if you threaten Ryan again, I will put you on your fucking ass,” Cal growled in warning, and I let out a manic laugh that didn’t sound like me at all.
“Fucking do it! Hit me!” I screamed, and Cal’s pupils blew, telling me that my plan was working.
“Theo…” Cal’s tone was lethal, and I found myself balancing on the balls of my shredded feet in anticipation. He was seconds away from snapping when, suddenly, a third person blew into the gym.
Even through the overwhelming stench of blood and tequila, I could smell the vanilla notes of her perfume as she flitted like a shadow through the door.
She slammed into her brother, shoving him back and away from me so hard he stumbled a few feet back… which was impressive, considering Callum was a 6’4” wall of fucking muscle.
“Back off, Callum. Take Ryan and go upstairs. Now,” she hissed, and Callum stared at her, his normally brown eyes still swallowed by the black of his pupils.
“She threatened Ryan,” he growled, clenching his fists so hard at his sides that his knuckles cracked.
“Look at her, Cal. She’s triggered. You know what it’s like to be triggered. She didn’t mean it. Let it go,” Cass said, her voice oddly calm, considering the horror show she’d just walked into.
Cal hesitated, and I could tell he still wanted to kill me. I prayed that he would, but my prayers went unanswered as Ryan came up behind him and slipped his arms around Cal’s waist, tugging him back toward the door.
“Come on, angel. I’m alright. See? I’m not hurt. Let’s go upstairs and give them some privacy.”
Like a predator reluctant to release its prey, Callum forced himself to turn his gaze away from me, and I watched as his entire demeanor softened beneath his fiancé’s gentle touch.
Ryan smiled at him, though he still looked pale and more than a little bit shaken.
“Come on, baby. Let’s go.”
Cal shot me one more dark look before nodding. Without another word, he cuffed my brother by the back of the neck and guided him firmly out of the room, making sure to keep his body between his fiancé and me the entire time.
Panic tore through me as I watched them go.
I glanced at the floor, feeling the blood drain from my face as I took in the remnants of the wasted bottle of tequila.
Now I had no booze and no one to hurt me.
I had nothing.
Nothing but Father Samwell’s voice and his sickeningly gentle touches.
‘Such a pretty girl, all dressed up in heels… So good for me…’
A sob escaped my lips as the anger I’d been clinging to suddenly dissipated, and I was consumed by fear again.
No, no, no… Make it stop… make it stop…
“Theo…” Cass whispered, and I blinked at her through my tears, doing everything I could to keep my eyes open.
I knew if I shut them, I would be overcome by memories, and this time, I might never find my way back out.
“Theo, baby… talk to me. Tell me what happened.”
“I–I c-can’t do this anymore, Cass…” I croaked. Shaking my head helplessly, I backed away from her, and the cuts on my feet burned as the alcohol soaked through my soles.
“Can’t do what, baby?” she whispered. For each step back I took, she took a matching step forward until I was pressed against the cold concrete wall of my tiny gym.
Live.
I can’t live like this… It’s too much… It’s too fucking much…
But my mouth wouldn’t speak the words. All I could do was silently shake my head, and soon, I was curling my fingers into my hair and tearing at the roots.
I slid down the wall until I was crouched on the floor, but I couldn’t even hide my face in my knees because if I did… If I closed my eyes…
Cass was on her knees before me in an instant, and her soft hands cradled my face, tilting my head up to face hers.
“Theo… please…” she gasped, and it took me a second to realize that her cheeks were wet too.
She was… crying?
“Baby, please…” she choked as she gently stroked my cheeks with her thumbs, and the pure look of devastation on her face struck a chord deep inside me.
“Theo… please. Please, tell me what to do to help you.”
Suddenly, the world stopped spinning and time seemed to freeze as I realized that Cassandra Walker wasn’t just crying… she was begging.
Cassandra didn’t beg.
Not ever.
But here she was, literally on her knees before me, begging me to let her in.
“Theo,” she choked on my name as she brushed her lips over my cheek.
“Baby, you have to tell me what to do here… I can’t…” She crushed her eyes shut, and her entire body shook with emotion as more tears slipped out from her long, dark lashes.
“I would kill for you, Theodora, do you understand that? If someone hurt you, I will fucking destroy them… but I don’t… I don’t know what I’m supposed to do when the person fucking hurting you… is you.”
“C-Cass…” I rasped, and she opened her eyes as she leaned forward to rest her head against mine.
Instinctively, I found myself wrapping my arms around her, and she curled up into my chest as a deep, painful sob wracked through her perfect body.
“Please, Theo. Please stop hurting the person I fucking love more than anything. Please stop hurting my wife.”