Chapter 6 #2
Time was immeasurable as they became lost in their own thoughts, the warmth of Nicholas’s touch felt through the damp layer of Gabriel’s pants.
“You were upset,” Nicholas eventually whispered. “When I woke up here… I could see it in your eyes.”
“Not with you, Nicholas. Never with you.”
“Don’t I disgust you?” The damage those words caused to his soul could be heard in the trembling of his voice.
“Trust me, Nicholas. Your transgressions pale in comparison to mine. You will never stand accused by me.”
The permanent ache residing in Gabriel’s chest extended to his back, needing room to spread its wings.
He’d been fretting over Nicholas forgiving him, but how would he ever forgive himself?
He’d sold his soul to have his lover returned, and now he wondered if it was truly done out of love, or his own selfish desires.
The answer promised to break him. Only unlike Nicholas, Gabriel didn’t think he could be fixed from that outcome.
Nicholas fidgeted with his chain, staring past Gabriel and into the night.
“I used to think being abandoned by a parent was the worst thing that could happen to someone. I was wrong.” Eyes brimming with compassion moved over to Gabriel for a split second.
“Fumbling. That’s how I would describe what I’ve been doing all my life.
Searching for something to grab onto. For something that felt familiar, that felt like mine. ” He released a quick breath.
“Named after a saint and dumped on the cold, wet steps of a church. I guess I took that as a sign, something to grasp, you know? I thought maybe religion, maybe believing in something higher than myself, would give me purpose. The idea that some being loved me even though I didn’t love myself, knew my heart even though it always felt broken to me.
It was comforting, mostly. I thought maybe through God I could find myself.
” He scrunched his forehead. “And now that’s gone.
Maybe it wasn’t real to begin with. How do I know?
How do I know which version of myself is the truth? ”
“‘Tension is who you think you should be. Relaxation is who you are,’” quoted Gabriel. “It’s an old Chinese proverb. You’re yourself when you’re at peace, Nicholas.”
“Peace,” Nicholas whispered. “I’ve walked through life in knots. A big ball of tension.”
Gabriel sighed deeply. “So have I.”
“Is it strange that I feel relaxed now? Drugged and naked in your swimming pool.” He grinned. It was an obnoxiously large tub.
Gabriel’s chest inflated with hope, and aside from the overwhelming reasons for distress, he, too, was at ease.
A charge swept through the room, causing some of the candles to lose their flame.
Gabriel restrained his emotions, but not before Nicholas backed away as though sensing the overwhelming shift.
“I, um, don’t need help with paying for school anymore. I’ve decided not to continue. It never felt right taking your money anyway. Not when I wouldn’t be giving you anything in return.”
“Your company is plenty.”
Nicholas stared, dumbfounded, as if he couldn’t comprehend how that could be true.
“Do you feel better when you’re with me, Nicholas?”
“I don’t think better is the right word for it. I feel…”
They’d been in each other’s company twice now, and while that was hardly a significant amount of time to measure under normal circumstances, their situation was anything but normal.
“What do you feel?” Gabriel encouraged.
“I… I don’t know.”
“Then tell me what you don’t feel.”
Nicholas huffed out a breath, chuckling as if to say that question wasn’t any better. He dragged wet hands over his unruly hair, interlacing them at his nape.
“I guess… I don’t feel like I’m being driven by some unseen force. I think I want you, whatever that means. And it feels like a clear choice. One I can’t pretend I’m not consciously making. One I can’t be forgiven for. That terrifies me.” Sad eyes met Gabriel’s, flooring him with their honesty.
“Why does it terrify you?” Gabriel knew, but putting it into words might help Nicholas deal with it.
Nicholas posed a couple questions of his own before answering.
“Who would I be had I not taken that sign? Who would I be now had my mother kept me? It terrifies me because to give in means I’ll have to answer those questions. And what if I don’t like what I discover?”
For once, Gabriel experienced something other than guilt when staring down Nicholas’s uncertainty. Because while some aspects of his mate were predestined, there were also parts of him that were new to Gabriel, characteristics that were all his.
Nicholas was contemplative in a way Zayn wasn’t.
He was asking the hard questions, and although it came at a great loss to him, he was being brave despite his fear.
More than what Gabriel could say of himself.
Gabriel never attempted to find himself in this new world.
He’d created a cocoon of sorts. No one ever got in, and he’d never let himself out.
Now Gabriel wanted to burst free. He wanted to be someone who found hope in the unknown, someone who believed there could be something different for him.
He wanted to tell Nicholas they could devote their lives to each other.
That now, in this life, their love could build into something brand new, something eternal.
Saying all that would’ve only scared Nicholas off. It’d be too much too soon. It would take all of Gabriel’s strength to ration his feelings, to pretend he was falling when he’d already fallen centuries ago.
He angled his head, staring deeply into the richness of Nicholas’s gaze, of his soul, of the parts that seemed to be all his. Maybe Gabriel didn’t have to pretend after all. Maybe he was falling in a new direction.
“I’d like to discover who I am, too. Who I am outside of my isolation, outside of my loss and anger.”
He couldn’t believe he’d spoken those words, but he wanted to be vulnerable with Nicholas. He wanted to give him whatever he could, whatever he didn’t need to hide from him.
Nicholas’s gaze warmed, skimming over Gabriel and chipping away at the ice beneath his surface. His mouth parted, his tongue sweeping over his plump bottom lip as he whispered, “Why does it feel like we’ve met before?”