Chapter 11 #3
Nicholas wanted to say no, because the bedroom was where he had his dreams. The bedroom was where he touched himself most, where he’d touched himself that morning, and he hadn’t yet changed the sheets.
But he found himself wanting to give Gabriel everything, and he didn’t feel so conflicted about that anymore.
“Yeah. Why not?” The question was more for himself.
Nicholas rolled his eyes when Gabriel made a show of bending before crossing through the doorway.
Like every other room in the apartment, the bedroom was pint-sized. The platform bed took up most of the square footage. Gabriel’s gaze roved over the rumpled bedding, and Nicholas could have sworn he heard him sniff.
“I, um, I’m gonna grab my stuff.” He pointed toward the closet.
“Bring enough,” Gabriel said. “In case you decide to stay a while.”
“I’ll probably just stay a couple days, for now. Until the puppies get used to things.”
Gabriel nodded, turning his attention back to the sparse bedroom.
Nicholas vanished into the closet, muttering a modified curse after remembering most of his everyday clothes were in the hamper.
“Uh, do you mind if I do a load of laundry at your place?” He poked his head out, stomach dipping at the sight of Gabriel holding his journal.
“Is this a journal?” Gabriel’s expression lacked guilt, his tone curious. He hadn’t opened it, and every part of Nicholas agreed that he wouldn’t have.
Nicholas met him by the nightstand. “Yeah, it’s a dream journal.”
“Oh?”
“They start to fade after I wake up. Some details I hold on to for a little while, some for only seconds, some stay with me. I figured writing everything down would help. It’s like parts of a movie, or memories, are playing out while I sleep—and sometimes while I’m awake.”
“What do you mean, while you’re awake?” Gabriel sounded worried. “Nicholas?”
“It’s going to sound unbelievable.”
“Not to me, it won’t. I promise.”
Gabriel’s promises held weight with Nicholas now, and so the idea of sharing felt more freeing than embarrassing.
He took the journal from Gabriel, opening it to the bookmarked page.
Journal entry #5
“This one’s from earlier. I’ve had more dreams than this, but I hadn’t thought to write them down before.” He lowered to the bed, flipping back through previous pages. Gabriel sat next to him, the lines of their bodies connecting, providing Nicholas comfort.
“There’s this guy… I don’t know his name, so I’ve been calling him ‘the monster.’” He winced, not liking how cruel he sounded, even if the term fit.
“The monster?” Gabriel sounded hurt on the man’s behalf.
“Yeah. He can be that way sometimes.” Most times, he wanted to say. “But he isn’t all bad.” Nicholas recalled the tears in his voice when he’d called out for his dead lover in that cave.
“Habibi.”
“I should probably come up with something else.”
“No, it’s fine, Nicholas. That’s how you see him.”
Nicholas nodded. “And there’s this other man, too. I call him ‘the man’ or ‘the beautiful man.’”
“What’s he like?”
“Beautiful. Unpredictable. Manipulative. Scared, angry, strong…” He narrowed his eyes at the journal, trying to recall more.
“What happens in your dreams?”
“Nothing that makes much sense, but I’m a passive observer in them.”
“Of the monster?”
“Yes. Well, mostly. I mean, always in the dreams. But I’ve also had waking dreams, and for a brief moment, I experienced the beautiful man’s point of view too.”
“Waking dreams?”
It didn’t sound as though Gabriel was unfamiliar with what they were, but that he was shocked to hear Nicholas had been having them.
“Yeah. I told you it was wild stuff. It all started when the sexual cravings hit.”
Nicholas glanced up at Gabriel. “Why do you think that is?”
He knew Gabriel didn’t have the answer, but he’d take a good theory over nothing, or over what the medical professionals thought.
“I can’t say.” Gabriel seemed torn up by it.
“It’s okay. It’s not your problem, or your fault.”
“But it is,” he whispered. “It is.”
Nicholas had been about to argue, but then remembered something Gabriel had said.
“I’ll never be okay as long as you’re not. I don’t mind suffering for you, or with you.”
“You’re an empath, aren’t you?”
“I am everything and anything for you, Nicholas.”
Nicholas was transfixed by Gabriel’s intense stare. The journal slipping from his lax fingers brought him back to awareness.
“You hate the monster,” Gabriel said, as if he couldn’t imagine anything else.
“I want to.” It sounded like a confession, like a deep, dark secret. “I tell myself I do. He hurts people, and he shows no remorse.”
“Then why don’t you?”
Nicholas traced the lines creasing Gabriel’s forehead. “Because he’s capable of love. I’ve seen it. I’ve felt it. And because the story isn’t done. Maybe love will be his salvation.”
“Or maybe it will be his ruin,” Gabriel countered.
“Do you really believe that?”
“It doesn’t matter what I believe. As of now, you’re his judge and jury.”
Gabriel ran his nose along Nicholas’s hairline, breathing him in.
“Come on. Let me take you home.”
Nicholas packed a few things and headed for the front door, stopping with his hand on the knob.
“Did you forget something?” Gabriel asked from behind him.
“Yeah. I’ll meet you in the car.”
“Okay. I’ll carry this down for you.” Gabriel took his bag and left.
Nicholas hurried into his closet. The clerical collar he normally kept shoved behind his stack of clothes now rested on the empty shelf. He rubbed his thumb over the engraving one last time.
Saint Nicholas.
He brought the collar to his chest, where his pain resided. Would putting it on make the heavy ache go away? Would it give him the strength to be who he was before everything changed? Maybe. But then what about his promise to Gabriel? The one he didn’t want to break. The promise of companionship.
Nicholas charged into the kitchen, opened the trash can, and held the collar over it.
Could he do this? Could he give up completely? And if things didn’t work out, would God take him back?
I’m scared…
I’m scared…
I’m scared…
“But I don’t want to be,” he whispered.
He loosened his hold on the collar and released the death grip on his faith. Nicholas did the one thing he’d always been too afraid to do. He let go.