Chapter 35
Nicholas
Nicholas returned home, sure about two things. Rhythm and blues now owned him, and he preferred quiet nights at home. He hadn’t been clear about either prior to going out.
Stilettos in hand, he crept past the snoring dogs and quietly closed himself inside his bedroom. Just like every other night, Blue and Yellow waited outside his window. He let them in, standing still as they fluttered around his head.
“Happy to see you both, too.”
They perched on his outstretched hand before vanishing inside the closet.
Nicholas slipped out of his clothes near the bed and unraveled his braids, groaning as he scratched his scalp. A yawn escaped him, but he knew sleep wouldn’t be easy if he didn’t first complete his nightly ritual.
He withdrew Gabriel’s folded green jacket from the nightstand with reverence, sliding it over his naked body.
“Your favorite color is green.”
Those words were as good as an ‘I love you,’ and only now, with all doors closed, with no one watching, could he admit that. Part of the ritual was being honest, no matter how much it hurt.
Nicholas figured out how to disconnect breathing from the part of his brain that processed emotional cues through scent.
He wanted his relationships to feel genuine, normal.
Knowing how his friends felt without being told seemed like an invasion of their privacy, like an emotional assault on them.
It gave him an advantage he didn’t want. Not with them.
But for the fifth night in a row, he buried his nose in the jacket, inhaling from the lapels, letting Gabriel’s scent spread throughout his body. It still smelled heavily of damp soil, pine, crushed moss—and the remnants of Nicholas’s many releases.
Nicholas’s cock throbbed, wept between his legs, and he grabbed hold of the bedpost to steady himself.
His discarded blazer rested on the floor near his feet, and he rummaged through the pockets for the gold lighter he’d been petting all night.
Double-checking that his mental doors were all sealed, he climbed onto the bed, cock and balls heavy, skin both boiling hot and shivering cold. He reached for the cigarette tin on his nightstand, removing the partially smoked hand-rolled from last night, lighting it.
Three pulls. He could only afford three. He had to preserve what was left.
Spread out on his back, he let his legs fall open, undulating as he inhaled, then exhaled even slower.
“I miss you,” he breathed into the fog, finding it hard to resent his feelings, and too exhausted to pretend they’d started to fade. Until the effects of the bond wore off, he would allow these secret moments of surrender.
Spiced tobacco and summer rain surrounded him, while large hands skated over his coiled body, and strong arms wrapped around him. The phantom touches felt real, extracting a moan from him, his self-lube slicking up his cock and hole.
Nicholas put the cigarette out, reaching under the pillows for the dildo he kept there. He’d taken his time choosing it, making sure it was the right complexion—the wide head a shade softer than the darkened shaft.
Roped veins encircled it, the thickness and length promising a good stretch, his body clenching, promising resistance.
He caught sight of himself in the standing mirror adjacent to the bed. His hips stuttered to a stop, but his panting breaths only grew louder. His eyes glowed blue, fangs peeking shyly between parted lips, black talons raking down the skin of his thighs.
Nicholas swirled a finger over the precum seeping from his tip, bringing it to his tongue. He hissed, something inside his chest rattling as he arched off the bed.
Staring at the dildo, he suddenly needed to ride it, to dominate it. Like he had Gabriel. He swapped it for the pink one he’d also ordered. This one didn’t look like Gabriel’s cock, but it was closer to his size. Tonight, he needed size over resemblance.
Nicholas dragged the metal stool over from the corner, sitting it in front of the mirror and suctioning the dildo onto it.
Holding it steady by the shaft, he sank down, gasping from the fullness, the violent stretch.
Neither seemed to be enough, nor compared to having Gabriel inside of him. How had Nicholas managed him?
He fisted his unruly hair, the action forcing his chest forward, drawing his attention to his nipples.
They were tight, tiny pearls the color of a dark, ripe plum.
Nicholas imagined them trapped between Gabriel’s teeth, and lube seeped from his stuffed hole, wetting the stool and the big balls of the neon cock.
His pink lips were swollen from arousal, dick straining, jutting like a sharpened sword in the air. Still, he didn’t move.
Reaching back to the nightstand for his phone, Nicholas quickly scrolled to the music app he’d installed on the way home, hitting play on the album he’d downloaded.
As if summoned, Blue and Yellow fluttered in, forming a halo above him. They were a sight to see.
Hands and claws gripping his hair again, Nicholas rose and lowered onto the dildo repeatedly, panting cool air even though his body burned hot.
Before long, beads of sweat rolled down his temples and spine as he fucked the dildo with determination. His cock bobbed up and down, ropes of precum splashing against his chest and thighs, and drops of blood fell from the pinprick holes he’d bitten into his bottom lip.
He looked deadly, yet fragile. Dominant, yet his delicate moans and bashful blush painted him as submissive. Nicholas was a beautiful contradiction, and his sensual, shy smile said he both loved and accepted it.
This wasn’t the fault of the transition, or a possible return of his bloodlust, and it wasn’t the bond.
Nicholas watched himself, aware that he was in full control, aware that he enjoyed what he saw and felt because he wanted to.
He was a sexual being, probably always had been, beneath the years of subconscious repression.
It wasn’t the reincarnation.
It wasn’t the heat.
Nicholas wanted this. He enjoyed it. He’d always been the person staring back at him now.
“Yes.” He bounced faster and faster, mascara running down his sweat-slicked cheeks.
He’d made it through all twelve songs, denying himself, pretending Gabriel watched on with a lit hand-rolled between his lips.
Nicholas put on a good show for him, whimpering and begging, calling his name before finally reaching between his legs.
He gripped his cock with confidence and authority, owning it while finding release to thoughts of Gabriel sitting beneath him.
Obsession.
Obsession.
Obsession.
It took several more hours of fucking and pretending before exhaustion hauled him into sleep. He was met by the type of darkness that not even his immortal sight could overcome.
Waves crashed, the salty breeze bit against his skin, and claws made of rough sand clamped around his ankles. Nicholas didn’t need to see to understand what awaited him in his dreams. His beach had returned.
It was Nicholas’s second week of school, but due to a prior class cancellation, it was his first day of physiology. His professor was youngish, good-looking, and his dreadlocks were as long as Marcus’s. Getting the class to bond was his first objective.
“You’ll be working in rotating groups throughout the semester, so how about a little exercise to get to know one another? An icebreaker.”
Nicholas made the rookie mistake of making eye contact with Professor Hailen while everyone else looked busy.
“We’ll start with you,” he said.
Nerves formed a fist in Nicholas’s stomach.
He was always the kid who shied away from attention, who sat at the back of the class to prevent being noticed or called on.
He did his work, kept his gaze down, and trusted no one.
He managed to obtain his undergraduate degree without making a single friend.
“What’s your name?”
“Nicholas Armahn.”
He projected his voice, making sure it reached the front. He’d come back from death, could turn the room into a winter wonderland with one thought. Nicholas wouldn’t let a little stage fright get the best of him.
“Great. Now, tell us three things about yourself. Two truths, one lie. Your classmates will have to guess which is the lie. The first one to guess correctly will be your partner for our first assignment.”
“What if no one guesses correctly?”
“Then you get to randomly choose who your partner will be.”
Nicholas wasn’t asked to, but he stood anyway, taking in all the eyes on him, unafraid to make them wait as he gathered his thoughts.
“My name is Nicholas Armahn,” he repeated. “I should be in seminary school right now, but I decided not to become a priest.”
He waited for that feeling he always got around new people, the one that told him to run, hide. It never came.
“I had the most amazing burger last night, and I might have it again for lunch.”
A few students laughed, and the fist began to unfurl.
“And last, I grew up in the foster care system after being abandoned by my mother.”
Nicholas debated whether to let go of that one. It felt too personal, too shameful. The shame was what ultimately made him do it. He wanted to be free of it, and whether or not they believed him, the end result was still the same. Another shackle had opened.
The class considered their options, staring at each other as if daring someone else to go first. A tall guy in the back who wore his hair braided like Nicholas’s answered first.
“The second one is the lie.”
“And why do you think that?” Professor Hailen asked, challenging his mind further.
“It’s too neat. Uncomplicated. The truth is usually ugly.”
Everyone turned to Nicholas, including the professor.
“He’s right.”
A short girl with pale eyes offered Nicholas’s new assignment partner a high five. The noise level rose as the others compared notes, wondering who else had guessed correctly.
Nicholas retook his seat.
“And your name is?” The professor asked the guy who’d chosen right.
“Sean.”
“Alright, Sean. You’ve got yourself a partner for our first assignment.”
The rest of the class flew by, and Nicholas found himself laughing out loud more than once. Sean and the short girl approached when the class ended.
“Good seeing you again,” she said.
“Again?” Nicholas asked.
“Yeah, the three of us are in the same biochemistry class. My name’s Alyssa.”
Nicholas shook her outstretched hand. “Nice to meet you both. Again.”
Alyssa chuckled. “Technically, this is the first time we’re meeting, so it’s all good.”
An awkward silence filled their bubble. Was Nicholas supposed to break it?
“So a priest, huh?” Sean asked.
“Yeah.”
“So what happened?” Alyssa asked. “What made you change your mind?”
These were the lies he’d warned Gabriel about. The ones he’d have to tell, the life he didn’t want to live.
“You can have a full life, Nicholas.”
He was enjoying the little bit of life he’d lived so far, and he didn’t want to stop now.
The truth, whenever and wherever you can.
He’d have to compromise with himself, the same way he’d compromised with Mateo the night of the concert. Nicholas didn’t have to tell the whole truth. He just needed to be true to himself.
You can do this.
“I’m gay, and I don’t want to pretend that I’m not.”
Nicholas turned to walk away, expecting that to be the end of it, expecting to be short an assignment partner come next class.
“Should we exchange numbers?” Sean called out. “You know, so we can coordinate a meetup time to work on our presentation.”
“Um, yeah. Sure.”
Nicholas handed his phone over at Sean’s request. His fingers flew over the screen, his own phone alerting with an incoming text.
“Got it,” Sean said.
“Headed to another class?” Alyssa asked. She reminded Nicholas of Sandy. Bright and bubbly.
“No, this was it for today.”
“Cool,” Sean said. “Wanna grab lunch with us? I’m craving a burger now, and it’s all your fault.”
Nicholas grinned, gripping his satchel strap.
“I don’t know. I’ve got a lot—”
“Come on,” Sean said. “We’re gay friendly. You’re safe with us.”
“Yeah, allies for life,” Alyssa chimed in.
“It’s not that…” He’d been about to politely decline again, because what did he know about grabbing lunch with people he’d just met? But then he thought about the notepad sitting on his couch.
“Some place close. I’m meeting someone in a few hours.”
They set off, using Grub Search to find a decent burger joint nearby. Nicholas told himself he’d give them an hour, but an hour turned into two once they started geeking out on zoology. It felt good to be surrounded by people who shared the same interests as him.
They swooned over photos of their dogs, scheduling a playdate for the following weekend, and Nicholas told them all about the Kindness Refuge. They promised to stop by.
Nicholas broke several traffic laws biking home, almost causing a collision at an intersection.
Reaching his building, he folded the bike in half and took the four flights of stairs to his apartment in leaps. Zeke and Kai were barking before the key slid into the door, lifting onto their hind legs when he stepped inside.
He normally dropped them off at Kindness Refuge before class, but today they spent their first day home alone.
“Were you guys okay? Yeah?” Nicholas fussed over them. “Guess what? I found some friends for you.”
He gave them another minute of undivided attention before hurrying to get his boxing gloves and workout gear packed. Hamza wouldn’t let him hear the end of it if he were late.
“Hamza’s bringing Maxim.” He secured their leashes. “Are you two ready to see your brother?”
They barked louder, spinning in circles. Nicholas laughed.
“I thought so. Come on.”
Attaching their leashes to their collars, he hurried for the door, then doubled back to the living room.
Snatching a pen off his desk, he scooped up the notepad from the couch. Scrolling through the list, he stopped at item seven, striking it off.
7. Make new friends.