Chapter 40
Nicholas
Six hours and twice as many orgasms later, Nicholas lay panting on his living room floor.
He left the dildo inside himself, pulsing around it, knowing he wasn’t through with it yet.
At night, his body seemed to revert to its pre-transition era. When thoughts of sex consumed him, and the need for it ruled him completely.
It was worse when in bed. His dreams alternated between his tireless beach and images of his and Gabriel’s first night together. The parts he hadn’t remembered were now cemented in his memories.
Every emotion, every single vulnerability and need had intensified since learning about the blood-bond’s non-existence.
As though a veil had been pulled back, revealing that he didn’t own Gabriel after all, that they didn’t belong to each other in some cosmic, intrinsic way.
That truth sent his mind and body into a lecherous frenzy.
Odd, since all he’d wanted since waking up transformed was to be free. He had that now, truly, and was learning that he couldn’t cope with it.
It took more than he felt capable of to keep his connection to Gabriel closed, to not rip the mental door off its hinges in hopes that he’d do the same.
The raabitt was the only thing that tethered them now, and Nicholas was as terrified to lose it as he was to give into it.
What would he feel if Gabriel surrendered his hold on himself?
If he flooded Nicholas’s doorway with all that he felt?
Nicholas wasn’t sure he was strong enough to find out.
He shackled himself to his headboard nightly to stop himself from running through the cold, wet streets, desperate to get to the man he craved.
His chains were nothing more than strips of silk, manacles that could easily be broken.
But the feel of them around his wrists, tight and constricting, served as a reminder that there was still something holding him back. Something that wasn’t physical.
Why couldn’t he let go? Now that he knew the truth, why couldn’t he allow himself the one thing he wanted more than blood? More than friends and school and the shelter? Was it sheer stubbornness?
It had been more than a week since he learned the truth, and it felt nearly impossible to keep up with anything—the dogs included.
Every time Marcus offered to drop them off, Nicholas requested more time, said he was too busy, that his course workload had become too demanding, that maybe he should keep them until the semester ended.
He’d used the same excuses when Marcus insisted he needed to speak with him.
Marcus: It’s about the blood-bond.
Nicholas told him it was too late. He already knew, and that he wasn’t ready to talk to any of them about it—least of all Gabriel.
His place had become a shrine to self-gratification.
Every inch of the apartment held the fragrance of his many releases, each orgasm an additional coating along the walls.
The air was thick with it, the bedding and his body stained by it.
His hand and cock would’ve been calloused by now if it weren’t for his healing capabilities.
Nicholas’s eyes prickled, vision blurred red as the scent of his cum now overpowered the small traces of Gabriel that had lingered.
Maybe he should have allowed the dogs back.
They always returned smelling like Gabriel, like his home, like the ocean.
He’d bury his nose into their fur, capturing the scents before they faded.
He could admit that to himself now. What other choice did he have when the hunger for just his scent made his body tremble?
Nicholas reached for his pendant, mumbling scriptures from the book of Psalms, Joshua, Deuteronomy… Any and all verses that spoke of strength and courage, even knowing he was seconds from giving in to weakness.
With no direction from him, his claws swirled through the puddle of cum slicking his torso, his cock lengthening again.
He turned his head toward the window. Blue and Yellow fluttered frantically outside.
“I can’t,” he whispered.
He couldn’t do anything until his arousal was done with him. They’d have to play voyeurs from there.
They enjoyed hovering above and around him as he got off, sometimes landing on a shoulder, or watching perched on his knees.
It was strange, but also comforting in a way he couldn’t explain.
Nicholas felt oddly protected when they were near.
Accepted, beautiful even, in a way that was different from how recognized and alluring Gabriel made him feel.
He climbed to his knees, spreading them until the base of the dildo suctioned to the floor.
His fangs cut into his bottom lip as he moved, pretending it was Gabriel beneath him, filling him completely.
His markings rose to the surface, expanding like wings along his arms and legs as he dragged his claws up the underside of his dick.
Crimson tears soaked his cheeks when the sun rose, and his cum ran a river by the time his body was through with him.
Professor Hailen warned everyone to start studying for next month’s final before dismissing the class.
“It’s a three-part exam that covers everything we’ve learned over the semester. It’s worth fifty percent of your final grade, so no phoning it in. You’ve got about five weeks. Make use of it.”
Nicholas shoved his laptop into his satchel as he exited the class, leaving his classmates behind to grumble and complain.
“Hey, Nicholas, wait up!”
Sean caught up to him, talking as they worked their way down the hall.
“Can you believe the semester’s over? And are you as nervous about the final as I am?”
Nicholas continued toward the stairwell in a daze.
“Of course you’re not,” he muttered. “You’re a freaking genius.”
Students poured out of classrooms from every direction. Nicholas bumped into one, apologizing to the girl in a flat tone.
“Hey.” Sean pulled him out of the way of foot traffic. “Are you okay?”
Nicholas blinked. “Sean?”
“Yeah, man, it’s me. You good?”
“Yeah. Why wouldn’t I be?”
“Oh, I don’t know. Maybe because you look surprised to see me, even though I sat next to you in class, and I’ve been yapping away for the last few minutes.”
He studied Nicholas closely.
“Something’s off with you. Has been ever since the night of the Kindness Refuge event.”
Nicholas did his best not to appear guilty. He thought he’d been doing a good job of pretending.
“We haven’t seen you much outside of school. You’ve been canceling plans left and right.” Sean lowered his voice. “You know you can talk to me, right? I’m a vault.”
“Yeah, I know.”
“So, what is it? Alyssa thinks you’re hiding a boyfriend from us.”
Sean gripped the straps on his backpack, his laugh sounding forced.
“No, that’s not it. I’ve just had a lot on my mind.”
He almost looked relieved.
“Well, sounds to me like you need a distraction.” He waggled his brows in a clear attempt at humor.
Sean always went out of his way to make the people he cared about feel better, and Nicholas felt bad for avoiding him and Alyssa. He’d dodged Mateo a time or two as well, canceling their fencing matches at the last minute.
“What kind of distraction?”
Sean’s hesitation worried Nicholas. He was a thrill seeker who enjoyed late nights out and acting before thinking. He lived by the mantra YOLO. He even had the acronym tattooed into his sleeve. What was he about to get Nicholas into?
“Look, I know it’s last-minute, and I know you’re not a big fan of parties…”
No, he wasn’t. He’d hated every second of the ‘intimate party’ Mateo dragged him to after that concert. The answer was no every time Sean or Alyssa invited him to one.
“But today’s my birthday, and—”
“Wait, today’s your birthday?” Nicholas checked the date on his phone, wincing. He’d dropped the ball.
“Don’t beat yourself up about it. It fell on a Wednesday this year. No one remembers Wednesday birthdays.” A sly grin tugged at Sean’s lips, as if he’d just discovered a weapon and was ready to use it.
“But if you want to make it up to me, a few of us are meeting up at Chaos this weekend. I’ve got a section with bottle service and everything. You could sit in the corner and brood all night if you want, hassle-free, no pressure to dance or anything.”
Had he been obliviously brooding when with them?
“Alyssa volunteered to sit with you while the rest of us eat up the dance floor—if you don’t want to sit alone.”
Alyssa. Nicholas looked around the now-empty hall.
“Where is Alyssa?”
“She ditched to help her mom with something. She put it in the group chat this morning—after wishing me a happy birthday.”
The group chat. Something else Nicholas had been neglecting.
Sean’s dark eyes were pleading, and he never asked Nicholas for much.
“I don’t know, Sean. Loud music and crowds really aren’t my thing. And is the club really called Chaos?”
“It’s the good kind of chaos.”
Was there a good kind?
“Okay, I didn’t want to play this card, but Mateo may have mentioned that you’ve never really been to a party. Like a club. In fact, he said ‘clubbing’ is one of only two things still on your to-do list. So I think you kind of have to come.”
Nicholas scowled and made a mental note to slaughter his best friend during their fencing match later. Mateo had threatened to kick in his door if he canceled again.
“One hour. Please. A guy only turns twenty-three once.” He made a praying gesture, holding his hands out in front of him, and Nicholas groaned.
A chirp sounded from Sean’s pocket, and he pumped a fist in the air after reading what Nicholas assumed was an incoming text. He turned the screen toward Nicholas. The outgoing message to Mateo was time-stamped an hour ago.
Sean: Yo, Teo. Last-minute plans to hit up Chaos on Saturday. Your boy is turning twenty-three! You down? I’m going to ask Nicholas after class.
Mateo: I’m there, and don’t worry about Nicky. I’ll drag him kicking and screaming.
Nicholas grabbed the phone, fingers flying over the keys.
Nicky here. Be ready for the butt whooping coming your way later on.