Chapter 9 #7
“Oh, honey, oh no. I’m coming, ok? I’m on my way. I know what to do, ok?”
“Ok, thanks, Tara.”
I put down the phone and wandered outside. I had to go get Charlie soon, but I thought it would be better to let him play and have fun while he could. I sat on the steps, and rested my head against the railing, then picked up the phone again.
“Hi Luke, it’s Emmy. I just wanted to talk to you for a minute. I just—” my voice broke and I cleared my throat. “Call me when you get a chance.”
The next few hours passed in a strange sequence of very slow, and very fast moments.
It almost seemed like time had gotten out of whack.
Before I knew it, Tara arrived with a copy of Cassie’s DNR, and then the ambulance came.
It seemed like only a minute had passed, but that couldn’t have been right.
They took Cassie, covered by a cloth. I watched her leave through the living room window.
Luke called. “Cassie’s dead,” I told him. “She OD’d.”
“Emmy.” I heard him sigh across the ocean. Liechtenstein was across the Alps. “I’m sorry.”
“She did it on purpose. I have to go get Charlie.”
“Sweetheart, I’m coming home, all right? I’m coming now.”
“Bye.” I hung up, then stood. “I have to get Charlie,” I mentioned to the room.
“I asked Martha to pick him up,” Tara said, putting her hand on my shoulder. I shrugged it off.
It must have been later. Martha walked in with Charlie. He looked at me, and I said, “Pal, it’s your mom.” That’s all I needed to say.
We were sitting on the couch, and it had gotten darker.
Charlie was curled up in my lap. He had been crying on and off, and asking me if I was leaving.
Martha and Tara kept trying to get us to eat and drink.
Annie came? I wasn’t sure when she had arrived or why.
I told her hello, and she kept squeezing my hand, hard, and crying. She hadn’t even known Cassie.
I pulled my hand back and hugged Charlie tighter. “Is Luke here?” I asked.
“He’s on his way,” she said, crying harder.
Tara asked me questions about the funeral. “We have to make some plans, Em.”
“I can’t pay for a funeral,” I told her. “I don’t have any money. I made a payment to the hospital. They’re going to shut off the electricity.”
“It’s ok, honey,” Martha told me. Now she was crying too, and she hated Cassie. “We’ll figure that out, ok?”
“I don’t want a vigil,” I said. Who would have spoken?
More people came. Diego, Carl, Frankie. I asked Tara to try to reach Mike.
Martha made us go to bed so we went to Charlie’s room, and cuddled together with Danny Bob.
I lay, listening to the broken shutter outside his window tap against the house in the wind.
Maybe I would try to fix it tomorrow after work.
The morning light started coming in through the curtains, and I closed my eyes for a moment.
When I opened them again, there was more light, but Charlie was still asleep.
I went into Cassie’s room. Martha and Tara had been in there, cleaning up and straightening everything. I walked to the bed where Cassie had been lying. There was no note, nothing to indicate that anything had happened here.
Then the day started, just like any other.
I got dressed. Charlie got up. Martha called and told me not to think about coming into work at the store.
Charlie and I sat on the couch together.
Annie was back, with a big basket of fancy food, and Tara asked me what we had to wear to the funeral. I just shook my head.
Everyone was whispering, and I couldn’t stand it. “Please stop whispering,” I said. My voice was too loud. What was the matter with me?
“Did you get any sleep last night?” Diego said. Charlie went outside with Frankie.
“He was crying,” I answered. “Having nightmares. Fucking Cassie. She had to do this, didn’t she? She’s a fucking bitch. Isn’t she?” He looked shocked, and I put my hand over my mouth to stop the words. “I’m sorry,” I whispered between my fingers. Now I was whispering. “Tara, I think I’m losing it.”
She sat down next to me and gripped my hand. “You’re going to be fine. Got it? It’s hard right now, but you’re going to be fine.”
I tugged my hand away. “Did you talk to Mike?”
Her face hardened. “He hasn’t called me back. Fucking Mike.”
Yeah. Fucking Mike. Fucking Cassie. I hated them both.
I made a sandwich for Charlie with some of the fancy basket food, but he just picked at it. Tara told me to eat too, but I didn’t have an appetite and I didn’t want to waste it.
Annie came back, with shopping bags. She gave a bag to Diego, who took Charlie upstairs, and then she handed me one too. “It’s for you to wear to the funeral,” she said. Her eyes were all red.
“Is Macdara ok?”
She startled. “Yes, why?”
“You’re so upset,” I explained. Then I gasped. “Oh, my Lord, did something happen to Luke?” I stood up and swayed. “Is that why you’re crying? Annie, what happened? What happened to Luke?”
Tara came running in and I realized that I had been yelling. “Nothing happened to him!” Annie told me. “Nothing! I’m just upset for you.”
I stared at her and shook my head. “You shouldn’t worry. She was going to die anyway.” Both Tara and Annie stood with their mouths open. I couldn’t control what I was saying. “Thank you for the clothes, Annie. I’m going outside.”
I sat in the moon garden. Charlie came out to join me. “Was the outfit ok?” I asked him.
“Yes. It’s fancy.”
I thought that he would wear those clothes, then never want to see them again. I remembered the jar of cinnamon candies in the billing specialist’s office at the hospital. The thought of them now made me want to throw up. Funny how circumstances could poison everyday things.
“Want to see my fort?” Charlie asked suddenly.
“Sure.” I stood up creakily. My joints hurt and I felt so tired it was hard to move. When had I been to sleep last? I thought back to Luke’s bed, how comfortable and safe I had felt. I had an almost physical urge to get back to Luke’s house and crawl into that bed again.
Charlie took my hand and led me behind the maple tree. “This is where you’ve been building?” The pile of lumber from the garage had turned into a lean-to shed attached to the tree.
“I don’t think we can both fit in,” he told me.
“And you’re too tall.” I squatted down and looked in the fort.
He had a collection of motorcycle parts from the garage.
“I’m working on building a car for you,” he told me.
“I got a book on combustion engines from the library and I think I can do it so you have your own car.”
I felt a pain shoot across my chest, and rubbed my hand against my breastbone. “You know what? That’s the nicest thing I’ve ever heard.”
He smiled at me, a little smile that went away quickly.
“I love you, pal. I love you so much.” My chest hurt me.
“I love you, Emmy. You’re my best sweat pea.”
“You’re my best sweet pea,” I told him. “You remember that you’re stuck with me for life, right?” I rubbed his back. “We have this, ok, Charlie?”
He nodded, then his face split into a huge yawn.
“Why don’t you take a little nap, pal?” Lord knew neither of us had slept very well the night before.
He nodded again and I put my arm around him and led him back inside, back upstairs to his bedroom, where I tucked him in and rubbed his back until he went to sleep.
Then I went out to the back porch to be alone for a minute.
I needed to think about our finances. I needed to figure how I would keep the lights on.
Tara had asked me questions about planning the funeral, and then gone ahead and done it.
I had no idea how much it would all cost. I was feeling awful.
The pain my joints and my chest spread to my temples, like a band tightening around my head.
I put my face in the crook of my arm and rested it on my knees.
I didn’t hear anyone coming but there were hands on my shoulders. I jerked up. Luke.
“Oh man, Emmy,” he said, kneeling on the step in front of me.
“Emmy.” He looked drained and rumpled, his eyes bloodshot.
He tried to pull me to him but I leaned away.
“I came as fast as I could. I couldn’t get a flight—” he moved to touch me again and again I jolted back. What was the matter with me?
“Thank you for coming.” My voice was creaky. “Was it a bad trip? You look tired.”
Luke sat down next to me on the step, leaving a little space between us. “So do you. How are you doing?”
I rubbed my eyes. “I’m fine.”
Luke took my hand. “I’ve been calling you. Annie has been worried about you. She said that you haven’t been eating or sleeping much.”
“I don’t remember.”
Luke moved a little closer to me. He felt warm against my side.
“I found her,” I told him. “I should have known.” I leaned into him, just a little, then a little more.
“Why do you say that?”
“I should have known,” I repeated, and he put his arm around me gently. I turned my face into his neck and smelled his smell, so nice.
“Emmy,” he said softly, and pulled me into his lap.
We sat outside for a while, just quietly, and then he carried me into the living room, and we sat on the couch, me still clutching him and him holding me tightly to his chest. I heard Tara, and Martha, and Annie, but I closed my eyes, and stopped listening.
I woke up later, with the room darkening. I was still on top of Luke, who was also asleep. Charlie was curled around my legs, reading a book in the dim light. I motioned to him, and we went quietly into the kitchen to let Luke sleep.
“Are you hungry?”
Charlie nodded, and I opened the fridge.
Someone had gotten groceries for us. The shelves were filled with organic milk, leafy vegetables, yogurt in glass jars, and European butter.
I was guessing Annie had taken the shopping detail.
I pulled things out, deciding that grilled cheese would be fine.
There was a loaf of crusty bread on the counter.