Chapter 10 #2
I thought of how I had fallen apart when Cassie died, almost collapsing at the Mass, letting other people buy me groceries and even clothes to wear to the funeral.
Crying all over Luke, falling asleep sitting at his kitchen table so that he had to carry me to bed.
I couldn’t even pay my own bills. I had been an idiot.
“I’m going to be responsible for Charlie and me from now on.
” She kept looking at me while I went back to combing through car listings.
That Friday night Luke and Tara both came into Roy’s and sat together at a table. Tara looked as if she had smelled something bad, and Luke just looked ticked. I dragged my feet, not wanting to go near their table. Finally I approached them.
“Hi guys,” I said brightly. “Tara, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you in here before.” That was for sure. “Can I get you anything?”
“Cut the crap, Emily Louisa,” she told me. “We’re here to wait you out. You can’t avoid us, got it?”
I turned on my heel and walked to the next table, shaking a little. Avoiding them, whatever that meant.
True to her word, at the end of the night, Tara and Luke were still at the table, now looking more tired and resigned.
Roy made them leave while we did our cursory clean-up.
“We’ll be outside,” Luke told me ominously.
I took as long as I could sweeping, until Roy finally told me to get the hell out.
They were in the parking lot. “Let’s take your car,” Luke said, walking to the driver’s side.
“It’s your car,” I corrected him. “Milos’ car.”
He tensed. “Tara, we’ll meet you at Emily’s house.”
Luke didn’t speak a word as we drove back to Nana’s. I looked out the window. They had no reason to be angry at me, I told myself. I had thanked them both for their help. I was just trying to make it on my own.
We pulled in, and Luke paid the babysitter before I could even reach for my wallet. He took my hand, and led me to the kitchen table, where we waited in silence for Tara. She arrived, went straight to the fridge for a beer, then also sat down to look at me. I felt like an ant in an ant farm.
“Yes?” I finally asked.
“Why are you acting like this?” Luke asked. “Why are you avoiding Tara and me?”
“I’m not!” I protested. “I’ve just been busy. I think it’s really strange that you would come to Roy’s and wait there, by the way.”
“I’ve called you and texted you. I tried to talk to you at the NGS,” Luke reminded me. “You told me you couldn’t take a break. As if Martha Engstrom is some kind of slave driver over you.”
“And I tried to talk to you at swim,” Tara reminded me. “You literally ran away.”
“I was going to run on the track,” I protested.
They both looked at me.
“I just needed a little space.”
Luke shook his head. “And that would be all right. But this is avoidance.”
“I’m trying not to be a burden on you guys, ok?”
“Emmy,” Luke sighed, “we’ve been over this. You’re not a burden.”
“That’s not true,” I answered. “I was a mess. And now I’m going to show you both that I’m ok on my own.
I can take care of Charlie, and myself, and we’ll be fine.
Tara, you had a baby while you were in high school and you graduated anyway.
You have a good marriage, you went to school to become a nurse.
Luke, you run a quadrillion dollar business, or whatever it is.
I’m going to show you that I’m capable, too. ”
Luke rubbed his eyes. “Emmy—”
“How do you think I did it?” Tara interrupted him. “I did it because I had Diego, his parents, my mom, even his grandmother helping me. I couldn’t have done it alone. What’s your problem, Em? Really. I’m not buying this crock you’re selling.”
I looked at my clenched hands in my lap. “I’m really embarrassed about how I acted, falling to pieces. I don’t want to be that person to either of you.”
“What person is that?” Luke picked up my fist from my lap and held it in his hand.
“That person…” The words wouldn’t come out.
“Emmy, neither of us are going anywhere. Ok?” I had never heard Tara’s voice so gentle. “You aren’t going to make us take off because you need us. Trying some reverse psychology shit to make us go isn’t going to work either.”
I stared at Luke’s hand, gripping mine.
“Anything you want to say?” Tara asked.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. I cleared my throat. “I’m kind of having a hard time.”
They both nodded. Then I heard Charlie’s cry from upstairs, and ran up to comfort him out of another nightmare.
∞
Luke ended up spending the night. I got Charlie back to sleep, and a few hours later came crawling back into my own bedroom, where I found Luke sleeping diagonally across the short bed.
I fit myself into the space next to him and he curled around me in his sleep.
When I heard Charlie stirring the next morning, I hopped out of bed and ran down into the kitchen. A few minutes later, Luke followed me.
“Good morning,” I told him. He pulled me into his arms and buried his face against my hair, holding me tightly. “This is a nice way to say good morning, too,” I said softly, and he pulled me even tighter.
Charlie came padding into the kitchen, his usual morning grouch on.
“Emmy, I’m hungry.” He didn’t seem to notice that Luke was there, and had me locked in a hug. “Can you make eggs? Or French toast?”
Luke picked his head up. “I’m the French toast man around here,” he said, his voice scratchy. “Your aunt can do the grilled cheese, but I’ll handle breakfasts.” So Charlie watched and listened to Luke’s instructions, and I cut up the last of the delicious fruit that Annie had brought.
“You don’t want the frying pan too hot,” Luke was explaining. “You can flick some water in to test it out.”
“I want to try that,” Charlie said, and they spent the next several minutes watching water droplets boil and evaporate.
“Wow, it’s two of the states of matter right in the pan,” I remarked casually.
“By adding heat, you add energy, which makes the water turn from a liquid to a gas.” Charlie ignored this fascinating tidbit.
Luke smiled at me. “I’d also like to remind everyone that only people over the age of twelve may use the stove alone, so this scientific experiment can’t be repeated without an adult present. ”
We sat down at the table to eat and I noticed Luke eying me. “Stop watching me eat,” I told him. I held up a bite and ostentatiously put it in my mouth.
“What?” Charlie asked. “Why are you watching her?”
“I worry about your aunt,” Luke explained.
Charlie chewed for a while. “Is it because you love her?”
I choked on my French toast and clutched my throat. Luke stood up and slapped me on the back, hard, and I spat the food back on to my plate, then sucked in a gulp of air and coughed.
“All right? Are you all right?” Luke asked anxiously, while Charlie stared.
“Fine,” I wheezed. “Thank you.” Oh, sweet Jesus.
I was going to kill Charlie. “I’m going to run and get dressed.
” Still coughing, I put my plate in the sink and bolted upstairs, staying up there as long as I could, then dashing down to say we had to hurry or I’d be late to work.
“Is it because you love her?” Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.
“Why are you driving so slowly?” Luke asked when we were on the road to town.
I wasn’t looking at him. “I’m just trying to drive safely.”
“It’s the car,” Charlie informed him. “Emmy said it makes her freak out. I’m not allowed to touch anything except the seatbelt and door handle and she wipes it down after we drive it.”
Luke was staring at me. “Are you serious?”
“I’m not very comfortable driving this,” I admitted. “I’m very appreciative that you loaned it to me—it’s a really nice car. It’s the nicest car I’ve ever driven. Or touched. It makes me a little nervous.” Luke lightly tapped my knuckles on the wheel, and I saw they were white.
“We have insurance,” Luke said. “You’re on it.”
“I am?”
He nodded. “What kind of car are you comfortable driving?”
I thought. “Well, we were doing pretty well in the Bronco.”
“That didn’t make me very comfortable.”
“Why?”
“I was afraid it would break down and strand you somewhere.” He rubbed my knee and I momentarily dropped my death grip on the steering wheel to squeeze his hand.
“I like...well, I like big cars, I guess. Room for all our gear. Good in the snow.”
“Practical,” he said.
“Annie has a nice car,” Charlie remarked from the back seat. We were veering into dangerous territory. I didn’t want to talk about Annie and cars.
“Uh, Charlie—”
“Annie’s crazy about her cars,” Luke remarked. “If they get a scratch, she goes wild.”
“It would have gotten a big scratch if she had hit us on the bike!” Charlie said.
“Charlie!” I exclaimed. “Aren’t you hungry or something? Let’s talk about snacks.”
But Luke turned around to stare at him. “What do you mean, if she had hit you on the bike?” he asked.
“Luke, it’s not a big deal,” I told him. “Annie misjudged distance a little while we were biking and got a little too close, and we fell.”
“Then she ran over the bike and smashed it!” said the blabbermouth in the back.
“Start from the beginning of this story, please.” Luke’s voice was deceptively calm.
Charlie filled him in, from Annie’s high-speed approach, to our swerve into the weeds, his scraped knees, and her inability to read the road sign with her terrible vision.
By the time we get to the NGS, Luke was furious, and I was doing my best to mollify him. “Why did no one mention this to me?” he asked.
“I didn’t tell you because I knew you’d react like this,” I explained. “We’re fine. And the great news is that Annie is wearing her glasses to drive now, so everyone on the road is a lot safer.”
Luke glared at me. “Don’t keep things like this from me, Emmy. I don’t like finding out by accident that my sister almost killed you.”