Chapter Twenty-Four
Renegade
I’m sort of surprised when I show up at the station to get into our car the next morning and see Tank already there. I figured he’d call in or get someone to switch with him instead of being stuck with me for the day.
“Morning,” I hand him the cup of coffee I always bring both of us.
He grunts something to me that may be morning back, but I’m not sure.
If this is any indication on how this ride is going to go, maybe I ought to turn around and go back home.
For the first three hours, we ride in complete silence.
When my cell phone chimes with a new text message, I’m excited that it gives me someone to talk to.
W: Hey handsome! How’s it going with my brother?
R: We haven’t said but two words to one another. He took my coffee though, so maybe it’s a good sign? How are you today? You were sleeping hard when I left this morning.
W: It’s because someone wore me out last night.
R: No, I’m pretty sure that was you humping my dick in the back of my truck, and then you giving me road head as we went home. Kinda think you wore me out.
“Can you at least wipe the stupid ass smirk off your face when you’re texting her?”
Tank’s cool voice dims the excitement I had at her texting me a small amount. “I can, but it’s not going to change how I feel about her, how she makes me feel in return. Why don’t you tell me what your deal is?”
He’s quiet for a long time, longer than I would like for him to be, and I wonder if he’s going to be honest. Finally, after giving up on it, he starts to speak.
“I know how your parents were when we were growing up, and I know you desperately want to right the wrongs they did to you with your own kid. But I worry, what if those demons come for you? We don’t know what happened with your mom – not really – and your dad is a piece of shit on a good day.
I don’t want my sister and niece or nephew to be touched by that,” he ends with a hand beat heavily against the steering wheel.
“And I feel like a fucking piece of shit for even saying it, because I know what a good man you are, Renegade. I know I’d lay my life down for you, and I know you’d lay yours down for me.
But those thoughts are keeping me awake. ”
“Don’t you think they’re keeping me awake, too?
But if there’s one thing I’ve learned over the past few years, it’s that I can’t let where I come from dictate who I end up being.
Not in that way. I can’t let it make me live my life in fear, but I can use the shit I went through to make me a better person.
There’s no way I’ll make it through the world if I let fear override every bit of happiness I’ve ever had,” I stop for a second.
“Whitney makes me happy, Trev, and I think I make her happy, too.”
“I know you do. Dad was right; she was lit from the inside out when I saw her yesterday. She hasn’t looked that light, that carefree in years.
And you – you’re not carrying around the tension you always seem to be tight with either.
You’ve stopped taking everything so seriously.
Except on the raids. I’ve noticed when we do summons or raids, or whatever, you make sure your vest is on, you make sure you’re careful.
Anything else, you’re laughing more, frowning less.
Happiness looks great on the both of you, and I don’t want to spoil it or ruin it,” he finishes.
“But I also don’t want either of you to get hurt. ”
“There are no guarantees in life, both of us know that,” I wonder if what I say next will piss him off or be the olive branch he’s been wanting extended in his direction.
“But if push comes to shove and I do have to protect her, you’re the only other person I would want at my side. Don’t let this come between us.”
It takes a minute, but he turns to me, a sly smile on his face. “The part of me that’s not her brother is the one saying this. Holy shit, Renegade, you tapped the one girl you’ve always wanted to tap. How did that feel?”
“Probably the same way it felt when you tapped Blaze,” I laugh, because this is my friend, this is the guy I’ve gone to war and come back home with. He’s the dude that let me sleep on his floor and didn’t tell me I was a pussy when I would cry about my parents as a kid. This is my brother.
“Pretty damn good then,” he grins back over at me.
“Now the part of me that is her brother is going to tell you this once, and that’s it.
You treat her like Stephen did, you break her heart, you make her cry?
I’ll break your face. You’ll be wearing a lot more than the bruise you’re sporting today.
I don’t even care how pretty that face is. ”
He holds his hand out for a shake. I return the gesture. “You have my word. I’m not going to screw up something I’ve wanted my whole damn life.”
“Good to hear it. Now we know where we both stand.”
Whitney
Ryan’s not coming over tonight, he has some stuff he has to take care of at his apartment and a few orders he has to fill for his woodworking business.
I know he takes orders now and then, but what I really want to do is see what he does in person.
He’s very shy about it though, and I’m not sure he ever shows it to anyone.
I hadn’t realized before tonight how much I enjoy having Ryan around.
The house is too quiet, and I’m not used to being by myself after six o’clock at night.
Normally he’s gone and grabbed clothes, dinner, or whatever, and he’s already here.
We’re usually trying to figure out what we’re going to do for the night, or we’re stealing kisses in the guise of watching TV.
I’m lying on my couch, flipping through the TV channels, and bored out of my mind when my doorbell rings. Knowing it’s not Ryan, I don’t necessarily rush to answer it, but when I fling back the door and see Trevor, my palms go sweaty.
“Mind if I come in?” He’s still wearing his uniform, and for some reason that makes him seem vulnerable to me.
“Sure,” I open the door the rest of the way.
“I had a talk with Ryan today,” he rushes right into whatever it is he wants to talk about. “And I won’t say I’m a hundred percent there with the two of you right now, but I’m close. I just need to hear what you have to say.”
There’s been moments where I’ve been laid bare before my brother. He’s seen me in some dark instances where I know he’ll never speak of them again. I know once he has answers to his questions, he’ll be okay. I clear my throat. “What do you want to know?”
“Did he take advantage of you?” He has a seat on my couch, pulling the man-bun he keeps his hair in out. “It’s something that’s been nagging at me since yesterday. Did he take advantage of you feeling low?”
I have a seat next to him, envious of the hair he has.
I always have been. He could be a model, he’s dead ringer for that Jax Teller guy on Sons of Anarchy.
“No,” I think back to that night, feeling a little thrill at the way things had gone down.
“If anything, I took advantage of him. I’m just going to be honest with you, Trev.
I was drunk, horny, and feeling sorry for myself.
You know my marriage with Stephen, especially towards the end, wasn’t anything to write home about.
I asked Ryan to give me all the things I’d always wanted and never had,” I shrug. “He did.”
“He didn’t mistreat you? Wasn’t rough with you? Didn’t do anything you didn’t want to do?” I can see the worry in his eyes, and I know this isn’t about his friend, it’s about his sister.
“He only got as rough with me as I asked him to,” I answer truthfully. “I told you it’s not something you want to hear about, but it’s true. Ryan did nothing out of the way and if it’s anybody’s fault I’m pregnant, it’s mine. I told him I couldn’t have kids.”
“Because that’s what the fucker you were married to made you believe,” he growls, cracking his knuckles loudly.
I realize now that yes, he did make me believe that.
He made me believe a lot of things, and I can’t help but send up a little prayer, thanking God for getting me out of that nasty situation.
“It’s true, he made me believe a lot and I was na?ve enough to take at his word.
Luckily for all of us, Ryan’s showing me not all men are like him. ”
“Ryan’s a good one,” Trevor agrees, reaching over to grab my hand. “If I trust you with anyone, it’s him. I just had to know…ya know?”
“I get it, I really do.”
I take his hand and put it to my stomach. “I can kinda feel the baby move around in there sometimes, and I feel it now. Can you?”
His brows pull together in concentration and then I see a wide smile break out across his face. “Oh my god, that’s such a strong kick. You’ve got a punter for Alabama in there,” he laughs.
“We find out in three weeks when I go to the doctor. They couldn’t get me in before the first week of August.”
“That’s why Ryan asked off? He never asks off.”
I reach over, giving my brother a hug. “He’s a good guy who’s one thousand percent here for this pregnancy. Please don’t make this any harder on us than it has to be.”
His hand grips my stomach again. “I won’t. Please keep me in the loop and let me know what gender I need to be buying stuff for. I’m excited for you, Sis, don’t ever think I wasn’t.”
“I didn’t, but I’m glad to know I have your blessing. It does mean the world to me.”
He hugs me again before he gets up, walking towards my door.
“Maybe one day you’ll have this with that girl you’ve told me about.”
A wistful look comes into his eyes as he opens the door. “You never know, crazier shits happened. I mean, look at you.”
I throw my pillow at him as he shuts the door quickly, waving goodbye.
Left alone with my thoughts, I go down the hallway to the empty room in my house I’ve always wanted to use for a nursery. I can’t wait to find out what we’re having so I can start decorating, but I feel restless right now.
Grabbing all the stuff I use to plan weddings, I sit down in the middle of the empty room, spending the next few hours on designing the perfect boy’s room and the perfect girl’s room.
Hopefully Ryan will go along with what I’ve picked, but knowing what I do about him now, I know it won’t be too hard to work my feminine wiles and convince him of almost anything.