Chapter Thirty-Six
Whitney
There are moments in life you don’t expect.
I’ve experienced quite a few in my life.
Sleeping with Ryan, finding out that I’m pregnant, thinking Ryan was the officer killed only to find out it was Trevor and he was badly hurt.
Most of the time you’re unprepared for the emotions and the repercussions these moments bring to you.
That’s where I am right now. Sitting beside Ryan in the surgical waiting room, holding my breath to see what they say about my brother.
In the corner sits my parents. Married almost forty years, and they’ve never had to sit at the hospital for either of us, or themselves before.
In the opposite corner, Blaze sits next to her partner but both of them have vacant eyes as they stare unseeingly at the room of gathered people.
Me? I sit here next to Ryan, my heart bursting.
In the middle of this impossible situation, whether it be appropriate or not, I need to tell him how much he means to me. For once, I have to let go of the fear, and let the truth fly. If there’s ever been a time in my life to stop letting fear rule my life, it’s now.
“Can we go for a walk?” I ask Ryan quietly.
I want to get up from the uncomfortable chairs, they’re killing my back and hip, but at the same time, I also want to speak to him privately. What I have to say is emotional for me, and I don’t necessarily want or need an audience.
“Sure,” he stands up from the chair, reaching for my hand. I barely listen as he tells a few people we’re leaving but will be back.
Everyone watches with sad eyes as we leave. Almost like they can tell I’m at the end of my rope and can’t take much more.
We’re quiet as we walk along the corridor.
In this part of the hospital, it’s a weird type of silence.
Most of the people in these rooms are waiting to hear about the fate of a loved one.
How they live the rest of their lives hangs in the balance of the outcome of the surgery going on upstairs.
This is the club nobody wants to be a part of, and when you are, you’re devastated.
Needing to ground myself, I grab Ryan’s hand, curling my fingers around his. His middle finger rubs my ring finger, where a wedding band would be if I would let it.
“Where do you want to go?” he finally asks as we make our way down the maze of hallways.
“The Chapel,” I answer without hesitation. No matter how angry I am with the way things have played out today, something about being in a place of worship gives me peace.
“He’s gonna be okay, ya know,” Ryan assures me as we walk.
“He’s stubborn,” I agree.
“The most stubborn person I’ve ever met besides you.”
The smile he gives me as I shoot him a side-eye is brilliant.
“You know I’m right,” he squeezes my hand. “You’re the only other person I’m reluctant to go head-to-head with besides him and the two of you together? Jesus….”
I laugh, because it’s either that or cry. “He’s always been my biggest supporter,” I admit, feeling the tears pool again.
When we get to the Chapel, he pushes the door open slowly. We enter and I’m glad we’re alone. This time, I take control of our direction and pull him to a pew in the back.
Together we have a seat. “We gonna pray for Tank’s salvation?” He quirks a brow at me. “I’m pretty sure God’s gonna have to forgive him for as much as he’d have to forgive me.”
“No,” I whisper. “The only reason I wanted to come here was so you and I could be alone. I wanted to say what I needed to without the prying eyes of our friends and family.”
I can tell by the way he curls his body towards mine, I have his full attention.
“When people came in The Café saying a police officer had been killed, I was scared to death that it was you.”
“Princess,” he interrupts. “I’m not going anywhere. You know this.”
I reach up, putting my fingertip over his lips. “No, Ryan. Life isn’t guaranteed, I think we all learned that today.”
He starts to speak, but I stop him.
“Let me finish,” I put my hands around his cheeks, forcing his eyes to meet mine.
They’re a pool of emotion, darker today than normal, and I can’t read everything there, but I can sense the underlying turmoil all of us are living with today.
I grasp his cheeks in my palms, making sure our eyes meet before I speak again.
“Today was the scariest day of my life even before I knew it was Trevor in the wreck. As soon as people started coming in saying a police officer was dead, I thought it was you. And ya know…” I stop to compose myself, to take a breath and wet my dry lips.
“I freaked out. But I didn’t freak out the most because the father of my child might very well be dead.
I freaked out more than anything because I thought you died…
” I have to stop and duck my head, push the tears back, clear my throat, and march on.
This time my voice is hoarse as I speak.
“I thought you died without me ever telling you I love you.”
He inhales deeply and clamps his mouth shut. I can see the rigidity of his body, and I know it’s not because he’s rejecting me and my feelings. It’s because he’s feeling too much and trying not to lose his shit.
“I do, I love you more than I thought I could love anyone,” I speak again, this time tears pouring down my face and my voice strong. “My life was fine, I was set to spend it alone, and have a hookup once in a while. You blew the lid off my life Renegade. Pew Pew.”
We laugh hysterically as we remember the night I was drunk and made the joke. I think we’re both laughing and crying as he leans his forehead into mine, cupping my cheeks the same way that I’m cupping his.
“I love you, too,” he brushes his lips across my forehead.
I sob harder. “I know. It’s in every touch, every smile, every laugh, every word you speak to me. You show me every day, and I’ve held back from you because of my own fear,” I shake my head. “That fear won’t hold me back any more.”
He pushes my hair back from my face. “I won’t let you down.”
“You’ve never let me down, I have trusted you with every part of me, and it’s time I start showing that I do.”
We’re wrapped up in our own thoughts for what feels like hours. Each whispering words to one another, placing soft kisses on each other’s cheeks and foreheads. We’re in our own little world when someone pushes open the door to the chapel.
We don’t jump apart like I would have done in the past. Instead, I let whoever it is see me cling to him, I allow them to see how I feel about the man in my life.
It’s Holden and the look on his face is one of relief. “He’s out of surgery and he’s stable. Now we wait for him to wake up.”
We turn back and smile at each other. Trevor made it through and we’re no longer hiding our feelings. What could have been the worst day of our lives hasn’t turned out nearly as bad as it could have been.