Chapter 54
Dear Blessica!
You thought you had escaped me. But you were wrong.
Your next question might be, how did I find you? Well, the nurses here all know about The Mortons, because your family:
a) gives lots of $$$ to this hospital
b) are big cheeses two towns over
c) are “kinda creepy.”
And one of them mentioned that you all go to Helshire, which turned out to be a real college. So I am spending a stamp to remind you of a certain promise you made to write me, which you are in danger of breaking.
But enough about—> you.
My big news is that my most recent therapy is WORKING.
It uses my own body’s immune system to beat the cancer, which seems like the best way to get cured of anything.
(Except for crystals, which would be even easier, except they don’t work.) But the bad part of cranking up my immune system is that certain things are inflamed now, and they aren’t the things that you want to be flaming.
(Not really on fire, but sometimes it feels that way. When pooping!)
Aren’t you glad I’m telling you about the wonderful life of Cancer Kid?
My legs don’t work better yet but they will.
I saw some good news on TV—climate change is making cephalopods (octopuses) explode! In numbers, not the regular way, which would be bad.
Exciting things have happened here since you left.
That nurse with the eyebrows is getting married, and has “fixed” her eyebrows.
(I liked them better before. Now there’s no way she’s a werewolf.) The lime jello disappeared for a week, until I made them bring it back.
(Hero.) The girl in your old room is fifteen, but isn’t as funny as you.
Someone needs to take away her phone, my mom said.
Agreed, except I wish I had a phone. (Did you remember the tragedy of me not having a phone?
Or did you forget? How is your brain? Is it still stapled together?)
Is your entire family creepy? Some of your cousins are clearly slongers, but you’re not. Surely there are other amusing Mortons like you.
Well, I hope you are having fun at Hell-shire. What are you learning? Do you have a best friend? Study partner? Roommate?
Write and tell me things, because you promised.
Don’t forget your seat belt,
Bellamy!!!