Chapter 4 Granger
four
Granger
Istayed in the outbuilding longer than I planned, but Icelyn’s words left me shaken to my core. How could I have been so wrong about her? Both times we’ve made love, I hoped we could build a life together. But there's always something standing in our way.
The first time, it was my misguided sense of priorities, as I didn't want to mix business with pleasure.
The second time, I still can't quite figure out what just happened.
One minute I had her in my arms again, begging for me to take her, and the next minute she was walking out of my life like I was nothing more than used gum on the bottom of her shoe.
I stare out into the night sky, waiting for a sign that I need to let Icelyn go and move on with my life. I doubt our unprotected encounter will lead to a pregnancy, but until then, I’ll wait to know for sure before I start looking for someone else to build a life and a family with.
Seemingly, as if on cue, my four-month-old nephew cries for his midnight bottle. My sister was on bedrest for a few months before little JJ was born. With her husband deployed for a year, I had Shelly move in with me so I could take care of her and the baby.
Helping raise JJ makes me wish for a family of my own. His cry for food signals I need to move on from Icelyn and start looking for a wife. Rumor has it that a mail-order bride franchise is moving into town; maybe I’ll give it a shot—after my heart heals, of course.
It doesn’t take long to warm up JJ’s bottle, even as he sways in my arms. He’s such a good baby. I gently caress his cheek as he happily sucks down his formula with loud slurping noises.
“I thought I heard the two of you in here.” Shelly walks into the bedroom I converted into a nursery when she first moved in with me, tying her fluffy pink robe at her waist. “I thought you’d be out all night.
" I love my baby sister, but I wish I had never told her about Icelyn. Shelly is so romantic; she’s already been planning my wedding.
“That’s never going to happen with Icelyn.” I lift JJ’s head to my lips and gently brush a kiss over his soft hair. “She’s not interested in anything long term.”
“Oh, Granger. I’m so sorry.” Shelly wraps her arms around my shoulders, hugging me tightly. When I feel a tear slip through my t-shirt, I curse Icelyn for unintentionally making my postpartum sister cry.
“It’s really okay, Shelly. Icelyn and I want different things. Besides, I’m thinking about signing up for that mail-order bride program.”
“I think that’s a perfect plan.” Shelly releases my shoulders and moves to the recliner across from the rocking chair where JJ and I are sitting. “You can do a million times better than someone like Icelyn, who doesn’t care about you.”
I smile with a nod, not wanting to agree with her but also wishing to avoid hurting her feelings. Icelyn and I might want different things from life, but that doesn’t make the pain of losing her any less.
After I’ve tucked both mother and son into their beds, I go back outside and sit on the back porch, gazing over the mountains.
I pick up a block of wood and my carving knife and start whittling.
It isn’t until the sun begins to rise on the horizon that I realize I’ve spent the night carving a figurine of a pregnant woman holding a toddler in her arms.
A sadness washes over me when I imagine the woman I’ve carved is Icelyn, and the child represents my hopeful thinking about her having my babies.