Chapter 5
Three weeks later, Gemma was persuaded by two of her old nursing friends that it would be good for her to have a night out.
Before this she hadn’t been in any mood to socialise.
She’d wanted to hide her reality from the world, so that no one got to see how much she was hurting and she didn’t have to explain.
Nothing had radically changed, but she now felt a little more amenable to receiving counsel from friends.
She wore her red dress, because nothing says ‘I’ve got this’ like the colour red, even though it seemed like she wasn’t in control of anthing and she was losing everything rather than ‘getting’ anything.
When she arrived at the bar, a gin and tonic – her favourite – was already waiting for her.
‘Here, come on, give us a hug.’ Mel got up and squeezed her tightly. The familiar smell of her honey-scented body moisturiser was unexpectedly comforting. ‘How are you doing?’ she asked.
‘Exhausted. A marriage break-up isn’t good for your beauty sleep,’ Gemma answered wryly.
‘Are you okay to talk about it?’
‘I didn’t want to at first, but I think I’m okay now.’
‘Do you think this is really it for your marriage? You’re not going to have a trial separation?’
Gemma shook her head. ‘Adam has made it very clear he doesn’t want to be with me anymore.’
‘Oh, God, you poor thing.’ Mel squeezed her hand.
‘I can’t believe it. It’s awful, just bloody awful,’ Simone said. ‘And you had no idea?’
Gemma knew her friend didn’t mean to sound accusatory, but she still couldn’t help but feel ashamed. She shook her head.
‘I’m sorry, Gem. He shouldn’t have cheated, no matter what,’ Simone said.
‘It’s pathetic,’ Mel said with disdain.
‘Look, I knew a distance had formed between us,’ Gemma admitted. ‘But I thought it was life and work getting in the way, you know?’
‘It is hard knowing what the normal stresses and strains of life are and what’s not,’ Simone said.
‘Dave and I have been going through a bit of a thing. Mainly because of the kids. We can barely have a conversation longer than thirty seconds without an interruption. They take over your life. I can’t even go to the bathroom without one of them trotting in and asking questions.
I think it’s better when they can’t talk. ’
‘It drives you nuts,’ Mel agreed. ‘I’m done with the baby and toddler stage. It can only get better from here, surely?’
‘That’s what they say,’ Gemma said light-heartedly, pretending she was perfectly fine listening to her friends talk about their children when it only highlighted how their lives were diverging.
She was losing touch with her best friend from school, Anushka, who had married two years ago and already had two children.
Gemma understood her life was so busy with her young family and a challenging full-time job that she had less time for socialising.
But it only made Gemma feel more on the outside than ever before.
‘Until they become teenagers.’ Simone was still talking. She rolled her eyes and gulped some wine.
Simone, who’d moved into cosmetic-aesthetic nursing because it was less emotionally taxing and paid more, had a long-term partner and twin toddlers whom she called her little rascals, even though Gemma thought they were the cutest children she’d ever seen.
Mel, a cardiac nurse, had one child and said she didn’t want another because of the state the world was in.
Gemma thought that the world was always in a state so what did it matter?
She didn’t like that she was being flippant, but envy could do that to you, couldn’t it?
What mattered to Gemma was that she was the only one without a partner, and had no idea when, or if ever, she would have children.
She and Adam had talked about trying for the past couple of years.
Or rather, Gemma had been keen while Adam had been more reticent.
He had kept making excuses about it not being the right time, and she’d been waiting patiently for when that might be.
She sipped the last of her drink. The liquor bottles lining the mirrored wall behind the bar counter shone prettily under the lights.
Though she wished the dark green velvet booth seats didn’t remind her of a sofa she’d been eyeing up in a furniture catalogue, which Adam said he loved when she’d showed him, the week before he left.
She’d imagined it in their living room, a more fashionable alternative to the one they’d picked up cheaply on eBay when they first moved in.
‘Anyway, I think you’re better off without Adam,’ Simone continued.
‘I always thought he had a supercilious air about him, as if he thought he was better than everyone else. And recently he was always giving some vague excuse for his absences at our social gatherings. Was he really always busier than the rest of us?’
‘Simone!’ Mel said.
‘Sorry.’
‘But I loved him,’ Gemma said defensively, her eyes smarting.
‘I kind of still do. I know I shouldn’t and I don’t want to but …
’ She rubbed the velvet seat and watched the pile darken and lighten.
As much as Simone’s words hurt, deep down, she was beginning to see that maybe she was right.
It was true, Adam had been skipping events and Gemma hadn’t thought to question his reasons.
And if she was honest, he had developed a habit of mocking her ‘lowly paid’ job, when he should have been praising its worthiness.
‘You know we’re always here for a chat or a cry,’ Mel said. ‘Life can suck and you shouldn’t have to handle it on your own.’
‘Exactly,’ Simone said. ‘And whenever you’re ready, we’ll help you get back on the dating scene, won’t we, Mel? Even though its ages since I dated, and I probably wouldn’t know what to do!’ She laughed.
From Mel’s handbag came the sound of her and Tom’s wedding song.
They only got married last year and every time her phone rang, Mel liked to remind them that ‘Perfect’ by Ed Sheeran had been their first dance.
‘Sorry,’ she said. ‘I think it’s Gabriel.
He likes saying goodnight to me if I’m out.
I know I should nip it in the bud before he gets too dependent, but I kind of like it.
’ She did a single shoulder shrug, then, answered.
Gemma reached for her phone to check the time. It was going to be a long night and she wished she didn’t feel that way. She loved her friends, but their lives were now busy in a way that hers wasn’t. A text had come in from Georgie, her friend from work.
I’m at a party. My friend has been trying to set me up with this guy, Harry. To be honest, he’s not my type. But he is yours. Why don’t you come and meet him?
Gemma groaned inwardly. Why did everyone think she was ready to date again? It was ridiculous. Just because her marriage was most certainly over, it didn’t mean her heart and mind had suddenly reached a place of acceptance and were ready for something new.
I’m out with friends, Gemma wrote.
Come after.
Gemma replied with an emoji of a man dancing. She wasn’t going to go but she didn’t want to be a killjoy.
I’m being serious. Be spontaneous.
Gemma had always admired Georgie’s zest for life and going to a party with her was never dull.
But Gemma feared that Georgie was going to rope her into blind dates, date nights and online dating sites in a search to find her a partner.
She’d rather swing from a trapeze in a skimpy leotard than do any of that.
Sorry, Georgie, another time.
Gemma slipped her phone back in her bag as Simone returned with another round of drinks. Gemma drank half the glass in one go. Anything to help soothe the pain of feeling so alone while in company.