Chapter 28
Gemma waited for Nick at their agreed meeting spot at the top of the foreshore steps at Bankside.
A man in an oversized coat was sitting on a large foundation post on the beach feeding a group of pigeons.
He seemed unaware of anyone or anything around him other than the birds.
They too were focused solely and eagerly on him and his bread.
After a good fifteen minutes, Gemma wondered if Nick was going to show up. He hadn’t even messaged.
She was about to call him when she spotted him jogging towards her. ‘Sorry, I’m late,’ he said panting. ‘The trains were delayed.’
‘Don’t worry,’ she said. ‘How have you been?’
He took a moment to get his breath back, then sighed. ‘Pretty crap, to be honest. But I don’t want to ruin the afternoon. You’ve no idea how much I need this mudlark. Well, actually, you probably have.’
‘You’re being very cryptic.’
‘If you really want to know, Ella and I had an argument – a doozy of an argument – and we’ve broken up.’
‘Oh, no, Nick, I’m so sorry.’
‘It’s all turned to … well, you know …’ He gazed out at the Thames.
‘You could have cancelled. I wouldn’t have minded.’
‘No! I suggested this mudlark to try and make me feel better.’
‘When Adam left, the first thing I did was go down to the river.’
‘I knew you’d understand.’
‘Come on, let’s sit for a minute.’ Gemma gestured to the concrete bench overlooking the river. ‘Tell me what happened.’
He sat and rolled his shoulders as if his explanation was going to be like doing a workout.
‘Okay, so we were clearing out a few things from the house to put out in the household rubbish collection that we’d booked.
Ella tried again to get rid of Dad’s metal detector, but I wasn’t having a bar of it.
I don’t care if it no longer works, you know?
Then, out of the blue, she asked me if I was going to marry her.
It caught me off-guard and I hesitated for a second.
When I didn’t answer straight away, she threw her arms in the air and shouted, “Well, what’s the point, then?
” I couldn’t believe it. One minute, we were having a giggle trying to wrangle the broken clothes rack, which wouldn’t stay together, and the next she’s talking marriage and furious with me.
‘Then, before I could properly answer, she stormed out. I ran after her but she refused to talk to me. She just left the house and she took Darryl. That’s when I knew it wasn’t good.
I tried calling her so we could discuss it, but she wouldn’t answer.
Then all she did was send a text, saying it’s over. ’ He looked away.
‘I’m so sorry, Nick.’
He leant on his knees and put his head in his hands. ‘I didn’t mean for it to be over. Not like this.’
‘Maybe it isn’t though. Maybe it’s just a blip, and she said those things in the heat of the moment,’ Gemma offered.
‘I don’t think so. Ella isn’t one for histrionics. But it was like she’d suddenly decided that it was marriage or nothing. That she was no longer happy with the status quo but didn’t seem to feel the need to discuss it with me.’
He unzipped his rucksack and pulled out two cans of beer. ‘These were meant to be for later, once we’d earned them, but I don’t think I can wait.’ He handed Gemma one. She smiled sympathetically and took it.
‘I keep going over why I wasn’t able to say without hesitation that I’d marry her. Does it mean that I’m not on the same bandwidth as her, as Phyllida likes to say? Or does it just mean I didn’t want to at that moment but I will sometime in the future?’
‘Only you’ll be able to answer that,’ Gemma said. ‘You’re in shock. Give it time.’
‘Maybe I was taking her for granted.’
‘Or maybe she was taking you for granted?’
‘Huh,’ he said thoughtfully and took a slug of beer.
‘If it makes you feel better, I think that was me in my marriage. I didn’t want to acknowledge that things may not have been right, or that Adam wasn’t the man I thought I’d married.
I never for one moment thought he’d cheat or that the marriage would end.
I guess no one wants to think those things are going to happen. ’
‘Thanks, Gem.’ He tapped his beer can against hers. Then he reached deep into his rucksack and pulled out a packet of cigarettes. ‘I don’t normally smoke, honestly, but extenuating circumstances, right?’
‘I don’t mind,’ Gemma lied, but now wasn’t the time to remind him of its dangers.
‘Aren’t we a couple of sad sacks? Still, it’s nice to be able to talk about it properly with someone who gets it.
I told a couple of close mates but even though they were sympathetic, I don’t think they quite got it.
One of them has been with his partner since he was sixteen and the other has only ever done the dumping, so hasn’t experienced that kind of rejection. ’
‘You chose the wrong friends to tell by the sound of it,’ Gemma said.
Nick thought for a moment, as if he was still trying to digest it all.
‘I mean, we had discussed marriage before,’ he said, like he was talking more to himself.
‘And even though I knew she fancied getting married, I thought she felt like I did: that it would be a nice thing to do but not essential in the bigger scheme of things. Because weddings are expensive, you know, and you can still commit to each other without making a big fuss about it, can’t you? ’
‘Sure,’ Gemma said.
‘And she didn’t even let me explain. I was given an ultimatum out of the blue, without any indication that it was going to be a deal-breaker.
In an instant our relationship imploded.
Then there’s Darryl. I love that dog. Now I don’t know if I’ll ever see him again.
’ Nick stared into the small hole of his beer can.
Gemma put a hand on his knee.
‘Thanks,’ he muttered, then downed the rest of his beer.
‘If you ask me, she’s the one missing out.’
Nick gave her an appreciative smile. ‘I’m not fishing for compliments but thank you.’
‘Trust me, I know what you’re going through.
It’s really confusing when your status quo is turned on its head.
It makes you revisit stuff, to try and work out why things changed, what you might have missed, whether the rejection would have happened if you had acted or said something differently.
’ Gemma was surprised by how much wiser she’d become.
‘Yeah,’ Nick agreed. ‘I can’t stop rewinding our whole relationship. Like it’s on a continuous loop in my head and no other thoughts are allowed in.’
‘I suppose we’re meant to learn something from it, aren’t we?’
‘Like turn your failure into success?’
‘Something like that.’
A tour group coming from the Tate Modern paused in front of them, then moved on.
Nick stubbed out his cigarette and dropped it into his beer can. ‘I feel so guilty for not rushing to propose to her, even if it wasn’t what I wanted. I hated seeing the disappointment on her face. That I’d been responsible for her whole world falling apart.’
‘That must have been hard. But you’ve also got to be true to yourself. That’s what I keep telling myself about Adam. He was only trying to be true to himself, even if he did go about it the wrong way.’
‘That’s decent of you. You should have a side hustle as a shrink.’
Gemma laughed ruefully. ‘I’ve just had longer to analyse my relationship break-up than you have.’
‘Sorry to burden you with my personal life.’
‘It’s okay. It’s good to talk about it. If it really is over – and once you get used to the idea – you can reframe the future. You never know, it might turn out better than you think.’
‘Is that what you thought when Adam left?’
‘No! I’m all talk and no action. To be honest, I still don’t want to think about the future,’ Gemma admitted.
‘And I thought you were giving me sound advice.’ Nick laughed.
‘You picked the short straw with me, then.’ Gemma reached into her bag for her hat. The sun was making a lengthy appearance.
‘I guess you’re only good for mudlarking tips.’
‘And you’re only good for beers. Do you have any more?’
He shook his head. ‘Sorry.’
‘I take back my last compliment.’
‘Fair call,’ he said. ‘Do you think we should actually do some mudlarking?’
‘Absolutely.’ Gemma nodded.
Nick crushed his empty beer can and, with spontaneous recklessness, threw it over the edge behind him.
‘Nick!’
‘It can be our first find.’
‘You could have hit someone.’
He turned and looked down. ‘But I didn’t.’ He grinned.
Gemma stood up and reached for her rucksack but something fell out of the side pocket. She hurried to pick it up.
‘What’s that?’ Nick asked.
‘I thought it would cheer you up but now I feel bad.’
‘You bought me something?’
Sheepishly, she showed him the can of gold spray. ‘It was meant to be for your metal detector, to immortalise your dad.’
‘That’s so thoughtful,’ he said, as if she’d given him a box of mementos from his father’s past that he never knew existed.
‘Except your girlfriend tried to get rid of it and you’ve broken up with her, and I’ve just made it worse.’
‘No, you haven’t. You were being kind.’
‘You don’t have to have it.’ Gemma went to put the can back in her bag.
‘Anyway, I reckon you should think of mudlarking like you’re doing it for your dad.
That because a little piece of him is in you, he’s kind of still here.
That way, it doesn’t really matter if you don’t have the metal detector, does it? ’
‘I like that.’ He nodded. Then, ‘I guess I could spray the trowel like you suggested the other day?’
‘You could,’ Gemma agreed. ‘But seriously, you don’t have to.’
‘No, I want to. I think it’d be funny.’ He gestured for her to hand over the spray.
‘Well, okay.’ She gave it to him.
‘Come on, I’ll race you to the beer can!’ he suddenly shouted.
They disturbed a couple of pigeons as they sprinted down the steps. The bird man had wandered off and a couple of other mudlarkers were foraging further west down the river. Nick got to it first.