Chapter 28
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Cadence
It had been a week since I returned home from California, and things were… weird.
Damien had gone completely MIA.
Elijah was hanging around Fayetteville.
Our house had sold within hours of listing it and my stuff had been delivered a few days ago. But despite this, he didn’t seem to understand that we’d broken up, and made the Marriott in town his permanent residence until ‘I’m ready to come back home.’
His words, not mine.
No matter how many times I told him to leave, he refused.
And as for Damien, he wouldn’t even talk to me. I had no clue if I said or did something to upset him. I thought we’d an amazing weekend together. He made me feel everything I always wanted to feel with Elijah.
Cherished.
Desired.
Appreciated.
…Loved.
I knew what I felt for Damien. Deep down, I realized I was a goner for him. But I refused to admit it.
According to Jade, ‘Denial’ isn’t only a river in Africa…
If I admitted it out loud, then I had to face myself. Come to terms with the fact that he ghosted me. Wrestle with my self-confidence and realize I was just a conquest for him.
And while I was a game to him, the emotions he brought out in me were real.
“You are going to do some serious damage to your skin if you keep frowning like that. I’m talking deep wrinkles, probably in your thirties,” Jade said, crossing her arms.
“I can’t help it. It just happens. Maybe that’s just my face.”
“That is not your face. I’ve known you for most of your life.”
I was thrilled Jade moved to Fayetteville with me. She was a piece of home and comfort, offering me some consistency while my entire life got shaken up.
“Maybe it’s the face I’ve grown into. For the rest of my life, this is what you got.”
“Still nothing from Damien, huh?”
I shook my head. “You?”
“No. He won’t answer me anymore, either. So at least you know it’s not only you.”
“And no gigs?”
“Nothing. It’s like the band up and vanished.”
“Huh.”
“Are you ready for me to ask Colton about him?”
I fidgeted with my hands. “No.”
However, my determination not to ask was quickly waning. The longer Damien iced me out, the weaker my resolve became. I was caught between ‘I don’t deserve this, screw him’ and ‘please talk to me.’ And I was getting closer and closer to the latter.
“Well, I do know one little tidbit. If you want to hear it.”
And did I.
Like a dog salivating over the simple mention of a treat. “I mean… I guess. If you want to tell me.” My nonchalance was not convincing in the slightest.
“Colton told me they canceled the rest of the tour. He wouldn’t say why, and I didn’t want to pry. I figured he’d tell me if it wasn’t something personal to one of the band members.”
“They canceled the rest of their tour?”
“Yeah. Apparently, all the shows after LA.”
That didn’t make any sense. They left around the same time I did. Damien had mentioned Violet being sick. Could that have something to do with it?
If it was a simple explanation like that, he would have just told me, right?
“Well, just add it to the mystery pile, I guess.” I stood from the couch. “I have too much to do to sit here and wonder.”
“That’s my girl.”
“I’m going to get my room fully unpacked today. Wanna keep me company?”
“I would, but I have to do some work. I’ve been slacking recently for obvious reasons.”
Getting all of Jade’s stuff from her apartment on James Island hadn’t taken long. She was able to break the lease with no issues and even though she paid till the end of the month, she moved out early.
She claimed she wanted to be here for me.
And I couldn’t refuse.
But she still had her job, and we’d been on the go almost constantly since I got back.
Me, on the other hand, I was still unemployed. But I applied at the local music store after having a great conversation with the owner, Dave Ortega, about our shared love of music. He made it sound like I was a shoo-in for the position. I anxiously awaited his call after the Thanksgiving holiday.
It seemed like the universe had finally given me something.
“Alright, well, if you get bored, you know where I’ll be.”
I grabbed my wireless speaker and my cup of coffee and walked to my room. I still had a few boxes of items I’d never unpacked when I lived with Elijah.
Cutting open the first one, I was instantly filled with nostalgia. It contained all my stuff from college. Some of my old scarves, random papers, and Columbia paraphernalia.
I gasped as I saw the corners of the tattered notebook I’d spent hours writing into. My old songbook from high school.
“Oh my gosh,” I whispered. “Look at you.”
It was worn, familiar, and fit in my hand, just like I remembered. Lowering myself to the floor, I opened the first page and… laughed.
I’d forgotten how ridiculous these songs were.
Most were about crushes I had on guys who didn’t know I existed, since that was how most of middle and high school went.
“I’ll always love you, even when you marry Sarah.” I barked out a laugh, remembering my terribly embarrassing crush on an upperclassman named Mark.
Who puts that kind of stuff in a song?
“Hey, is this yours?” Jade poked her head into my room, carrying a brown guitar case. I frowned and grabbed it from her.
Once again, looking at the leather, with all its scratches and nicks, brought me back to Columbia, where Elijah and I used to sing and play all the time.
I unzipped the case, pulled out his guitar and ran my hand down the strings.
Even if I was done with him, this was still a beautiful piece of art.
It was an old Gibson. Only the best for Elijah Powell.
But the wood held many memories as I ran my finger over its imperfections.
“No, it’s not. But I’m going to keep it. Elijah doesn’t play anymore. He won’t even notice it’s gone.”
I pulled it against me and strummed a few times. The strings hadn’t been tuned in years and it was off key, but it felt like hugging an old friend I hadn’t realized I’d missed so much.
I didn’t know how to play, but suddenly, I was desperate to learn.
I’d been a bit in limbo the last week or so, unsure what I wanted to do with my new life.
There were moments when I felt lost out at sea and couldn’t find my way back to shore. But now, I finally had something I wanted. It wasn’t a long-term goal, but it would lift my spirits exponentially.
I was going to learn to play the guitar and write more songs.
“Cadence, over here!”
Blake’s hand shot up from a table in the corner of the local Starbucks. She held up two cups of coffee, letting me know she’d already ordered for me.
“Did you know that this was the place I ran into Jamie for the first time after he moved back?”
“Seriously?”
“I didn’t even know he was back. He caught me totally off guard. I was running late for work, too.”
“Tell me why I can visualize this like it’s happening right in front of me?”
“Because you’re you. Now, tell me how work is going.”
I’d finally started work at the music store in town four weeks ago.
That had been the same time Elijah finally headed back to South Carolina.
Both Christmas and New Years had passed without a single awkward interaction with him.
Honestly, I thought he’d pop back up around the holidays and was relieved when he didn’t.
“It’s like working all day, but it doesn’t feel like work. And at least now, I can buy my own coffee.”
“I buy you coffee because I love you. Not because I consider you a charity case.”
I sighed dramatically as I took a sip. “And because now that you are happily engaged, you are living through me and my love life.”
“Since you brought it up. Anything from him?”
I shook my head.
I couldn’t understand why Damien still chose to ignore me. Two months had passed since our time in Los Angeles.
But I was over it.
Over him.
Blake put her chin in her palm. “There has to be a reason. I saw the way he looked at you. It was more than a conquest.”
“I wish I knew.”
It frustrated me to no end how the guy I actually wanted to talk to completely ghosted me while the one I wished would leave me the hell alone kept popping up unexpectedly.
Like hormonal acne.
“Well, how are the guitar lessons going?”
“Amazing. I don’t know why it took me so long to pick it up. I’m a total natural.”
I wasn’t just saying it, either. Dave was the one giving me lessons, and he was wholeheartedly impressed how quickly I was picking it up. But when I held the carved piece of wood in my hands, I felt free.
Blake rolled her eyes. “I can think of one reason.”
I laughed, but she was right. Controlling ex-boyfriend and all that.
Now that I was on my own, though, I spent every single moment of my free time strumming on my guitar, writing my songs, and pouring my soul into the chords.
Music was all I had right now, and I clung to it like a newborn baby to its mother.
Another four weeks flew by, and I’d still heard nothing from Damien.
I had weak moments where I’d cave and reach out to him, then berated myself when all I received in return was silence.
I thought eventually I wouldn’t think of him as much, but that turned out to be wrong. Thoughts of him followed me around, always in the back of mind.
I hated the vulnerability I had for him.
At this point, I’d written so many lyrics about him alone and I aimed to piece them all together in the almighty “Damien Walker Sucks” dedication song. Maybe it would be the debut for my indie-published album, which I planned to record once I fully mastered the guitar.
Anger coiled in my stomach, like a snake getting ready for the moment it could finally strike.
I wasn’t sure if I was more mad at him or myself. I was the one who reached out to him in the beginning. I traveled to his shows and supported him. I pursued our friendship. And I flew out to see him.
There were zero instances where he went out of his way to pursue me.
And when the realization had dawned on me that I had been the one to invest all the time and energy into whatever we were, my heart had truly ached.
I’d nursed my broken heart over a bottle of vodka and reruns of Grey’s Anatomy.
Somehow, I’d gotten it into my head that we had something, some unspoken connection that we both sensed and couldn’t avoid. But it had always been me who attempted to see him and me who sacrificed to have him in my life.
So, was I a fool for imagining that Damien considered me more than just some fan?
He told me countless times he thought I was beautiful, and he was clearly attracted to me, but I had a hard time seeing if it went deeper than that.
The time we shared together in Los Angeles was becoming nothing more than hazy recollections.
Everything I thought he felt was morphing into something else entirely.
Had we really had those unguarded moments?
Did he really say what we had scared him?
Or was I making it all up? I couldn’t trust my memories anymore.
Was it possible that this had been his plan all along? To string me along? I’d been so caught up in how lucky I was someone like him noticed me. He coaxed me into believing I was special, but never actually admitted as much.
Honestly, I felt tricked by him.
When I flew to Los Angeles, I did it because I thought we could pursue that electrical connection we had. But in reality, all he felt for me was the same lust everyone else experienced.
Once again, I found my worth measured by what people saw on the outside.
I was nothing more than a piece of ass for guys to ogle and fuck.
I knew I was worth more than a few messages and calls.
But somehow with Damien, I’d forgotten myself.
I’d forgotten my worth.
Again.