Chapter 13 Do Not Look Back
I opened my eyes. The red candles were burning bright.
I hugged my shoulders and forced myself not to tremble.
It felt as if I still lay in that Ice Cellar, feeling my blood drain away bit by bit.
Why was the pain of every killing so clear?
What was I supposed to do?
The real Crown Prince was already dead. The man I had married was a madman through and through.
Run. I had to run.
I yanked off the Red Bridal Veil. I stood, but my feet would not move.
All land under heaven belonged to the throne. Where could I flee?
Fake my death and leave the palace?
Then what had all this time of effort been for.
I had not become Empress yet. I had not avenged my mother yet.
Moonlight came through the window and fell across my knees.
The day Mother gave birth to my younger brother, the moon had been just this bright.
Basin after basin of bloody water was carried out. Mother's cries grew weaker and weaker.
The midwife said Mother was losing her strength. Family had to go in, stay with her, and encourage her.
I wanted to go in. Father said a child should not make trouble.
I did not dare make trouble. I wanted Mother to be well.
So I watched my aunt walk in, her belly big before her.
She was the younger sister Mother loved most. With her beside Mother, it should have been fine.
I waited outside in anxiety until Mother's torn scream came.
I stopped caring who blocked me. I rushed in and saw Mother's face covered in tears.
"You are my sister. How could you do such a thing?"
She struggled to grab my aunt and caught only empty air.
My aunt hid in Father's arms. Father cursed Mother for being heartless. Her sister was still carrying a child.
I lunged and bit Father's hand. He slapped me away.
"You beast!"
He carried my aunt off. Mother fell from the bed. The blood would not stop.
Her face was terribly pale. She called me.
"Yue'er. Yue'er."
"I am sorry, Yue'er. Mother cannot stay with you as you grow."
"You must remember. You must remember."
She wiped my tears, turned my shoulders, and made me face away from her.
"No matter what happens, the road is ahead."
"Go. Go. Walk forward. Do not look back."
She gave my back a light push.
I bit my lip and walked forward, step by step.
Behind me, Mother made no more sound. The maidservants shouted in a clamor for help.
I stopped and looked at the bright moon hanging at the sky's edge.
The moonlight was soft and bright, like a mother's touch.
At seven, I lost all my family.
For ten years after that, on the hardest days, I looked at that moon and walked forward. I never looked back.
The road was ahead.
Demon or monster, it did not matter. A god or a Buddha in the way, and I would kill them.
The Crown Prince's footsteps drew near. I picked up the note.
It was no longer snow-white. It had turned yellow, as if it had grown old.
The note was a true riddle. Was it Heaven's reminder?
I had no time to think of it. The Crown Prince was already at the door.
I put the Red Bridal Veil back on.
I had reason to be glad. Heaven had given me a chance to start again.
Whether this new start was mockery or mercy, I would not let go.