Chapter 6
It was a long weekend, with the Fourth of July being Monday, giving me an extra day off.
As a rule, Paisley and I didn’t work Sundays.
Being only two, we figured we’d use this day to rest and recuperate for Mondays.
Having an extra day off was a bonus, but was I using it to my advantage?
Going out, having fun, or getting lost in someone?
Of course not.
I was avoiding my parents’ calls and lounging back on my sofa with Scorsese beside me.
Things with my parents were better than they had been, but that didn’t mean I was ready, or that I wanted to spend my free time hanging out with them. This went beyond baby steps. I was taking fetal laps to get back into a casual and smooth relationship with David and Brandy Graham.
At the sound of my FaceTime ringer going off, I assumed my mother had advanced in her method of wanting to talk. Forgoing our usual audio calls. Only, just as I was getting ready to ignore it, I saw that it was my sister.
Dread and guilt consumed me, and I swallowed down the bile rising in my throat.
Ghosting my parents was one thing, but my sister was another. That came with regret and shame.
She was the younger version of me. The prettier version. The wiser version. Alannah was the better version of me.
I stiffened as I sat up and answered the call. I tried to put a cheery smile on, but it wouldn’t stick.
Alannah’s gentle face filled the screen of my phone, and at once I was taken aback by her beauty. Her big silky curls framed her brown face and fell to her shoulders. She was cute in her Boston Red Sox tee. Cute and glowing.
Good for her.
I waved. “Hey.”
Alannah giddily waved back. “Hey. Long time, no see.”
“I know.” I groaned. “I’ve been busy.”
“A five-minute chat wouldn’t hurt no one.”
My gaze drifted to Scorsese’s sleeping form, watching his belly rise and fall with his breathing. “I suck.”
“Oh yeah,” Alannah was quick to sing back. “You’ve got family who would love to hear from you more often.”
Alannah didn’t get it. She wasn’t there when it all went down. I could still sometimes hear my father’s harsh words, “Your sister is opening her heart to save the world, and you’re opening your legs to save your ego.”
“Uh-huh,” I let out.
“Look, I know you hate me, but that doesn’t mean you have to take it out on Mom and Dad,” Alannah reasoned. “You could call, or go over there and hang out.”
“I don’t hate you,” I rushed to say.
Alannah rolled her eyes, smirking just a little. “You’ve always been a terrible liar, Nas.”
I was. It wasn’t that I hated her. I hated not being good enough like her.
“Did you get those clothes I sent you?” I brought up instead.
Immediately she perked up. “Yes, I’m going to have the best wardrobe in Boston. It’s just too bad I don’t get out much.”
Alannah was at Harvard Med, an Ivy League school, because she only represented and deserved the best.
“Just because you’re in school doesn’t mean you can’t live your life,” I said. “It’s summer for crying out loud.”
“Speak for yourself. I follow your movie blog, and it’s updated regularly enough so I know you’re not getting out much either,” she countered.
Okay, so she was right. Fourth of July weekend and I was holed up in my house binging old Family Guy episodes.
I could’ve done better. Really, I could’ve been recovering from some bomb D had I gone with the flow with Ezekiel Friday night.
But I knew me. I was way too emotional to go through with it.
I didn’t know how to turn my feelings off and focus on the pleasure of it all. I wasn’t built that way.
“Is it Corey?” Alannah asked gently, pulling me back to now.
“Huh?” Even at the mention of his name I felt icky.
She sighed. “Are you letting Corey run you out of your own life? Is he the reason you stay in and not go out?”
I couldn’t look at her. I was only two years older, but I wanted to be a strong big sister. Not weak over a man who’d played me. “He almost ran me out of a club the other night, but I stayed. I had a good time.”
“Good.” Pride filled my sister as her nostrils flared. “Fuck him.”
My hands were shaking and I fought to gain control over myself. He’d really traumatized me. Corey didn’t have to hit me to make me feel like a victim. The mind games and cheating were enough.
It wasn’t always about me though. “How’s Boston? Do you miss home?”
“Boston is cool. I’m still trying to branch out and be more social, because when school is in session between classes and studying, I’m exhausted.”
“You’re smart, Ali, you’ll make it through. I believe in you,” I told her.
My sister melted on screen before me and I was happy to see her working hard at her education and dream.
Still, I was curious. We both couldn’t be experiencing a drought. “So, how’s the guys?”
We weren’t alike. Alannah immediately blushed and bit her lip, acting completely shy. “Don’t tell.”
“I won’t,” I swore.
“I met someone.”
“Okay…?” I said, waiting patiently for the tea.
She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, shrinking it seemed. “And he’s not exactly ideal.”
“What’s wrong with him?”
“He’s super sweet, working class, not in med school.” Alannah made a face, as if the last thing was the be-all and end-all for our parents.
“So? As long as he’s not trying to get you to drop out, I’m sure the folks will approve.”
Alannah wrinkled her nose. “No, Oisin’s real supportive.
He’s kinda shy about his job and not being ‘good enough’ for me.
He thinks I’m so smart and going places, and he doesn’t want to get in my way, and I like that.
I like his humility, a lot of these guys in my classes are real deal assholes, Nas. ”
“Well, props to Oisin for being a real man and acknowledging you deserve the best. And despite his economic background or class, as long as he loves and respects you, I’m sure he is the best,” I responded confidently.
To see my younger sister be so blushy and happy, made my mood lift. I wanted love and joy for her.
I got back to his name. Oisin. Oh-sheen. “So, his name is Oisin?”
Alannah got this dreamy look on her face.
“Yeah, his mom noticed his dad had an entire Irish name and started a tradition for their boys. They like to joke that they’re the Black Irish.
His name means ‘little deer.’ ” She leaned back on the sofa she was sitting on, going and gazing off.
“He’s so…ugh, girl. He was raised in a family of boys.
He’s got a lot of uncles, too. So, he’s a guy’s guy, really manly and protective, but when it’s just us, he’s so polite and affectionate. I really lucked up.”
“Love that for you,” I said. An ugly inkling of jealousy seeped into my bloodstream. “Sometimes you can spend your life going through nothing but duds and still never find a good one.”
“Most of these men be sponsored by Hefty,” Alannah stated. “Because they’re trash.”
I chuckled. “Hell yeah, tell me about it. I’m probably going to dedicate my life to cats.”
Corey creeped into my mind once more. The first time I told him I loved him, he held my jaw and said, “Good choice.” When I’d been hurt by that, he went on to say he wasn’t used to being affectionate or expressing his emotions.
His love language was being a fuck boy.
“No.” Alannah sat up on her end, holding out a stern finger. “So you’ve had a bad relationship, there’s nothing wrong with getting back out there.”
“Being a full-time cat lady sounds more rewarding than vetting potential boyfriends.”
“I’m serious. Be strong and independent, but sometimes a girl needs to be broken off.”
She had me. I didn’t even own a vibrator or any other sex toy. I was a bit juvenile in my preferred method of masturbating. But my hands, and a sex toy, couldn’t beat the real thing. And it had been a while.
I leaned back against my cushion, eyeing my ceiling. “Do not remind me.”
“See,” Alannah pointed out. “Now, what do you want in a guy?”
“To be wanted. Needed. Loved. Respected. Unforgettable. To matter.” I pushed a hand through my hair. “God, guess they were right. I’m basing my life on wanting to be loved, and by a man.”
Alannah sighed. “Mom and Dad are too stuck in their ways. Don’t pay them any attention.
There’s nothing wrong with being a romantic or wanting a partner in life.
You have a successful business you’re growing.
You have a cool blog you run. A wise woman once said, do what makes you happy, whatever his name is. ”
I deadpanned. “You’re going to be a doctor, not a comedian.”
Alannah smirked. “Oisin thinks I’m funny.”
“So he’s cancelled before I meet him? Talk about grand opening, grand closing.”
Alannah got serious. “Stop it.”
“You really like him?”
There she was again, blushing and being squirmy. “I really like him.”
“Good.”
“I took a chance on him.” Alannah looked off, a goofy smile on her face. “I just…rolled the dice, I guess.”
Her metaphor hit me hard in the chest, leaving me pulled back in time, pinned to a night consumed by black and gold.
“Good for you, Ali.”
“I’ll try to come back down at some point,” Alannah promised. “Hopefully by then things pick up for you. Don’t hold yourself emotionally hostage for Corey. There’s a perfect man out there for you.”
“Maybe,” I said, noncommittal.
“Okay, enough about men.” Alannah clasped her hands together. “Take my advice, no matter what comes, put good energy into the world. The universe will thank you later.”
I liked that. I needed that. “Look at you, teaching me something.”
“Got to! We’re sisters, Nas, we have to guide each other,” said Alannah. In the background, I heard a door shut and a man’s voice call out. The warm smile that arrested my sister’s face was breathtaking. She came back to me. “Gotta go, but we’ll talk soon.”
I blew her a kiss. “Love you.”
She pretended to catch it and tuck it in her heart. “Love you more.”
We hung up and I set my phone down on the coffee table in front of me.
The house was quiet and Scorsese was stretched out asleep.
Alannah had read me like a book. I wasn’t taking chances, and I was holding myself captive after my ex broke me. Life was going good for me, but I was lonely.
Roll the dice.
Biting my thumb, I formed a plan as I gathered my remote and found The Godfather trilogy online to stream. It was a gamble, but maybe if they were a masterpiece, I’d have a reason to text him.