Chapter 30
Had I been too harsh?
I asked myself this question at least twice a day since sending Ezekiel away. Once in the morning when I was washing my face and caught my eyes in the mirror. And again at night when I laid alone in bed with no one beside me, and no one to call for a late-night talk about absolutely nothing.
Sleeping was a chore right from the start. I closed my eyes and saw him there. His smile. His cologne. His embrace. His scolding me as I ate raw cookie dough.
Even though my heart ached, I had needs. Carnal needs.
Deep into the night Wednesday evening I pulled open my nightstand drawer and grabbed that strip of pictures from so long ago.
My hand slipped into my shorts and I touched myself as my eyes ran across the images of Ezekiel doing the exact same thing. I closed my eyes as I felt a tremor of pleasure while tears rushed to blur my vision.
It was no use. I wasn’t even close. I couldn’t do it as good as him. Couldn’t match the texture of his skin, the supple amount of pressure, the tenderness with which he kissed me in that moment in the photo booth. I couldn’t compete.
And for that I rolled over and cried.
Alannah called me Monday morning. I was taking the day off work, and I was half sure she was calling because I’d skipped my Sunday breakfast with our parents.
I hadn’t answered their call and I’d been scarce on the phone with Paisley when I told her I needed a day.
It was only a disagreement, but it felt like the end.
Dramatic or not. I’d worked through the first day after our fight, put my head up high and kept it moving.
Today I just wanted to simply not exist.
But Alannah wasn’t having that.
I answered her FaceTime call as I lay in bed. With my scarf on and pajamas, I wasn’t trying to be presentable or pretend I was up and active.
On Alannah’s end, she was in scrubs and her hair was pulled back in a tight bun. I knew she was pressed for time, so I didn’t waste any with making her drag it out of me.
“We’re having a disagreement,” I announced dryly.
My sister frowned and scratched at her head. “Nas.”
I tried to shrug it off, but my shoulder wouldn’t budge. “Maybe it’s for the best.”
“What happened?” Alannah wanted to know.
I gave her the ugly. The truth of it all, and I was relieved when no sign of judgment passed through her brown features.
Paisley hadn’t been judgmental either. No, she’d been on ten and ready to drive by Ezekiel’s condo.
I loved her loyalty, but I couldn’t let her do anything juvenile because we had our first fight.
Because I couldn’t stand the thought of living states apart.
“Am I awful?” I wanted to know.
Alannah looked off. “Total honesty?”
I nodded. “Total honesty.”
“I’m super busy with this whole med school gig, and sometimes I can be a bitch when O wants attention.
” On screen Alannah smoothed back a stray hair and frowned.
“I worry if we’ll make it, but he’s always so patient, kind, and here for me.
This takes a lot of time and energy, but I love him and he loves me, and we make it work.
I think you got scared—which is totally understandable with a big move—and you’re rushing to a conclusion you think is necessary. ”
My little sister was schooling me on my choices and I loved her for it.
I wiped at my nose to keep my face even. “You and Oisin are complicated in the same state. I already have a full work schedule with Shéc, Ezekiel’s always planning something for BLVCKJVCK, and now he’s about to be obsessed with this new club in a whole new world for him.”
“If it’s important you’ll make it work,” Alannah said softly.
“Ultimately, though, I think you have to ask yourself the big questions. Do you love him? Do you want to make it work? Are you willing to try? I liked E when we met and I could tell he was good for you. He could’ve easily schmoozed Dad about helping you with the store, but he took a back seat and said you had it.
Corey would’ve talked big shit about helpin’ with security, cameras, and a whole bunch of stuff. ”
For the first time in a week I managed to laugh out loud. She had barely known my ex, but she’d gotten him down to a science. Corey would’ve been trying to impress my father by talking like that. Not Ezekiel though. Even if he had ideas, he didn’t shove them down my throat.
A beeping sound went off on Alannah’s end and she cringed. “Ugh, gotta go.”
Because I wasn’t entirely selfish, I made sure to ask about her life while I still had her. “How are things? With O?”
“Good.” Alannah bobbed her head. “Don’t tell Mom and Dad, but we live together.
I had so much on my plate with school, and it just made sense to at least have someone to come home to, even if for a second.
And I know you’re going to kill me, but I think for winter break I’m staying here to just be home.
You know? I will make it a point to come back down, but for now, I just wanna lounge around the apartment and be with my boyfriend. ”
I was a little annoyed she was ditching me, but at the same time, I was so proud of her for working hard toward her dream and focusing. I hardly knew Oisin but I loved him for Ali because he loved her enough to be supportive. His lacking of a fragile male ego was what counted most.
“Hey,” I said as I caught her attention one last time. “I’m proud of you, Ali. You’re doing amazing, and someday soon you’re going to save the world, you know that?”
Her eyes glistened with unshed tears which was contagious, making my eyes water too. “Okay, fuck you for making me tear up before I go back to class.”
We shared a little laugh.
“I love you,” I let her know.
“I love you, too. Take care of you, Nas, and don’t be afraid to roll the dice, okay?”
We hung up and I set my phone aside.
Going and lying on my back, I peered up at the ceiling.
Alannah had always been helpful, nurturing, quick to patch a wound or soothe an ache.
She worked hard to get into Harvard Med and she was dedicated to getting her degree.
Oisin knew the risk of being with a med student, but still he stuck by her and loved her despite her busy schedule.
Ezekiel…
He had worked hard to show his father he was worthy of ownership.
BLVCKJVCK was his first taste of creativity, and now PVWN was his first full project.
Even though it meant he’d move away and focus on his club, I was happy for him.
Perhaps in time I’d even take a flight to see the club open.
In a world of callousness and duplicity, Ezekiel Marcuson was a good man and he deserved it all.
It was still early that Monday morning. I was tempted to go to the gym, but I knew where I needed to be.
So, I got out of bed, showered, dressed, and took my ass to Shéc.
Because I hadn’t been willing to get up and come in, we were opening late as I caught Paisley at the front doors fighting with her key and the lock.
The sun was out, and she sported dark oversized Chanel sunglasses.
There were chains hanging from the temples.
I loved the glasses so much when she first got them, I made sure Shéc sold an affordable knockoff pair.
As a result, they were a best-seller during the summer.
My sister knew medicine and care. Ezekiel knew hospitality and parties. Me, I knew fashion and style.
On what seemed like her fourth attempt, Paisley finally unlocked the gate. I circled around her, giving her a quick greeting before helping her lift the security gate.
Paisley eyed me, and because of her opaque lenses, I couldn’t read her gaze, but the scowl on her mouth told me enough. “I am a good girlfriend.”
“I’m sure Sloan wouldn’t disagree,” I responded as I stepped back so she could unlock the front doors.
Paisley let us into Shéc in a loud huff. She marched with a purpose over to the backroom and set her bag aside. The echoes of her heels hitting the tiled floor filled the air as she came from the back toward the main floor. She was in a sour mood, and I wondered why.
“Do we gotta key his car?” I joked as I went over to the checkout station and took a seat at one of the stools behind it.
Once more she was clomping into the main room with attitude. She came over to the counter and pasted her hand to her hip. “I oughta, but I’ma be nice.”
I chuckled as I grabbed the mail from Saturday that was sitting on the counter. “What happened?”
Paisley threw her hands up. “He’s going to New York because Ezekiel and his father are scouting locations for a new nightclub. He took the job to help Eazy design this new place.”
I got why she was upset, but her loyalty could take a back seat for this one. “It’s okay. It’s no big deal, Pay.”
She made a face. “So you’re past it now?”
Was I past it? No. I was hurt, especially by the way Ezekiel had trivialized our relationship. You’re acting like I’m supposed to give up what I worked hard for, for this. I should’ve been more supportive, because I was in full support of his goals, but he shouldn’t have said that.
Roll the dice, Alannah said. I had and it got me where I’d been with Ezekiel. Happy. I wasn’t ready to lose that.
“No, but we need to take time and figure out what we want,” I said. “I’m not about to get in the way of him building something he’s passionate about. If it’s meant to be, it’ll be.”
“Say the word and I can have Sloan snuff him,” Paisley said.
I held my hand up, holding back a laugh. “Down, girl.”
Yeah, sometimes Paisley was too loyal. I was upset, but not enough to do something I couldn’t take back.
Ali asked me if I loved him and I didn’t need to say it out loud to know that I did.
To know that because I did, I was willing to let him follow his dream.
Let him create another sanctuary for people to escape to when they’d had a long week or trying day.
Ezekiel knew nightlife and I knew fashion.
And as my eyes landed on a catalogue that was addressed to the store, I knew exactly what my next move was.