Chapter 4
four
Tedi
Addison cries through the monitor, and I place my head in my hands. I literally cannot do this again.
I’m either feeding or sleeping. Or listening to my daughter cry.
My trash can overflows with takeout containers, which feels like a mom fail because I’m never cooking anything.
Then the fucking game was postponed.
I was hanging on by the thinnest thread when Tweetie called me last night to say he wouldn’t be home.
I tried to keep the exhaustion out of my voice and sound upbeat, but he knows me too well.
And the guilt he feels for leaving this all on me makes me feel bad since he’s out there providing a life for us.
Him continuing to play was a mutual decision we made.
He’s texted me so many times today. Before and after his warm-up skate. On his way back to the hotel. Probably again when he wakes up from his nap.
My phone vibrates, but I ignore it, going upstairs.
I pick up Addison and hold her, trying to soothe her with the pacifier. Thankfully, she takes it, and I sit in the rocker, forcing my eyes to stay open so I don’t drop her and really fail at my role of mother.
I almost have her asleep when I hear our front door open.
Who could that be?
Tweetie is definitely still in Boston because he just messaged and told me he was grabbing lunch, since they are an hour ahead, and then chilling. He really means taking a nap. A glorious, quiet, uninterrupted nap that he knows I’ll be jealous of, so he doesn’t want to tell me.
I rise from the rocker and walk out of the room, hearing a voice whispering my name.
What the hell?
They clearly know my name and the code to get into my house, so it can only be one of our closest friends.
I tiptoe down the stairs and don’t see anyone.
Our Christmas tree sits in the front window. The day after Thanksgiving, Tweetie watched Addison while I decked the house in Christmas decorations, which I’m starting to think was my last day of not having a baby latched to my breast for life.
I hit the bottom of the stairs and hear my name whispered again. I’m pretty sure I recognize it, so when Eloise comes out of the back room, I don’t scream.
But she jolts back, her hand covering her heart. “Jesus!”
I giggle, trying not to let my chest vibrate and wake the baby.
She stares at me for a moment, and I see myself through her eyes, see the pity in them. She holds out her arms, and I hand over Addison, who coos at her and nuzzles closer. I’m sure Eloise is calmer than me.
“You’re really not supposed to use the code unless you’re watering my plants and I’m on vacay.” I go into the kitchen to make another cup of coffee.
“Answer your phone then,” she says, not sitting down.
“I’m raising a human, and it appears that’s going to be my entire life until she turns eighteen.”
She laughs, and Addison doesn’t even stir.
“It’s not funny. Why don’t people tell you about this? I’m just a feeding machine. It’s like I’m shackled to my house.”
She laughs again and starts up the stairs.
“Where are you going?” I turn away from my pod coffee brewer.
“Getting Addison ready. Playdate time.”
“Hate to break it to you, but she’s not going to be the life of the party.”
“Just get some of your milk out of the fridge and prepare some bottles,” she hollers down. “Then get your ass up here and get dressed.”
“You’re swearing in front of my baby.” I blow on my coffee.
“Give me a break. It’s not my filthy mouth she’ll learn it from.”
I hear her upstairs, opening and closing drawers. A few minutes later, Eloise comes down with the diaper bag and Addison changed into a new outfit. “I told you, go get ready.”
I sip my coffee. “Are you kidnapping her?”
“No, I’m kidnapping you. We’re having a girls’ day out, so let’s go. We’ve got the usual babysitters. Now get your sorry ass ready.”
“Can I just stay here and sleep then?”
She shakes her head. “Sorry, all four of us are spending the day shopping and eating. Plus, we have to bring Ruby her gifts.”
At least I managed to get one thing done, since Ruby’s gift is sitting under the tree in Grinch wrapping.
“Then you spend the night here tonight and get up with Addison while I have a restful, full night’s sleep? Deal.” We both laugh as I set my coffee down and head back upstairs.
I strip off my clothes, throw my hair in a ponytail, and put on a little bit of makeup. I’ve definitely been sporting the new mom don’t-say-shit-to-me look, which I quite enjoy.
By the time I’m back downstairs, Eloise has Addison all wrapped up to ward off the cold on the short walk over to the Jade’s parents’ house.
She’s going to be such a great mom someday.
I’m assuming they haven’t been successful in trying to get pregnant since they haven’t said anything. Conor isn’t one for secrets.
“Hey,” I say, feeling like a jerk for complaining about being a mother when she’s trying to get pregnant.
She must see it in my face because she shakes her head. “Nope. One day I’ll be complaining to you, and you’ll be telling me to suck it up.”
I give her a soft smile, and she nuzzles Addison again and kisses her forehead.
“You guys are serious about trying, huh?”
She answers me by throwing my coat at me. “Here.” And then my purse. “I put the milk in the bag, and everything they need for the day is in there.”
A sudden wave of guilt hits me. “I can’t just pawn off my baby.”
“Yes, you can. Reed and Victoria are happy to help. Consider it your Christmas gift.”
I feel her eyes on me as I stare at my daughter. “Maybe I shouldn’t—”
“You should, and you are. I know it’s hard, but mothers need a break sometimes. And it’s especially hard when the guys are in season and are away so much. Now, let’s go.” She walks to the door and opens it, and a rush of cold air pours in.
“Are you sure?” Why am I asking her permission?
Because your mind is mush from having little-to-no adult interaction.
“Yes, now come on.” She waves. “And remember this when I don’t want to leave my kid, okay?”
“Deal, but two hands on the baby. Tweetie would have a conniption if he saw you right now.” I walk by her and down the steps.
“Well, Tweetie is in Boston, so whatever.”
It’s freezing out, but this is when the snow looks fresh and white in the Midwest. When it’s beautiful and glowing. After the holidays, you notice the dirt in the snow, and the white flakes just aren’t as magical as before.
I look at Eloise and Addison and think about the times when Addison will want to go outside and play—build snowmen, have a snowball fight, make snow angels. And that is exactly why we moved to the same block as all our friends. So our kids can grow up together.
I try to center myself and appreciate this age, but I’ve never been as bone-tired as I am right now. The idea of her being able to feed herself and be mobile is a really nice thought right now.
We open the door to Reed and Victoria’s house, and the rest of our friends are already there—Kyleigh with Parker, Jade and Bodhi. I’m so fortunate. It makes me feel guilty for complaining.