Chapter 24 I’m CONFLICTED While On a Bike
I’m CONFLICTED While On a Bike
After taking a shower while being a nervous wreck, I come back to the bedroom and find Allison, goofy smiling at her phone.
“Mystery boy?” I ask, trying not to sound bitchy.
“What? Oh, no. Riden.”
“Hm.” I say smiling.
“You’re so annoying.” She rolls her eyes, and I sit on my bed.
“So who is mystery boy?”
She lifts her eyes from her phone to me and, for a few seconds, doesn’t move. Then she throws the phone out of the way and tells me.
“Tanner. Tanner Bors.”
Ah, every girl’s second crush in this town. Second, because usually the first was Jake.
“Familiar with him. Continue.”
She leans against the wall behind her and huffs.
“It happened the night you decided to announce to the whole town you were dating Jake. You went home, and Riden and I stayed behind. Tanner started dancing with me, and then he asked for my number, and then you got so busy with Jake and the whole plan of faking you were a thing that I just ended up spending more and more time with him. So yeah, I guess that’s about it.
” She scratches the back of her head, waiting for me to be judgmental.
Usually, I would be. But now I’m a hypocrite.
Who says she can’t date Tanner if I’m “dating” Jake West. At this point, who even cares?
“Okay, thanks for sharing.” I get up and move to my nightstand.
“Okay? That’s it? No, He isn’t trustworthy, Alls. Don’t make me say I told you so, Alls.”
That’s how I sound? Damn, I should loosen up.
“Nope. You’re capable of making your own decisions. I should stop being such a pain in the ass to you.” I spray a little bit of perfume.
“No!” She shrieks, making me jump and turn around, scared. “This is the part where you tell me to break up with him! You can’t just have an epiphany and leave me alone to deal with these trashy men!”
“Is Tanner trashy?” I ask sincerely.
Everything I hear about him is mostly good things.
“No… But-” She jumps from the bed and grabs my arms. “Slap me. Force me to leave him.”
“Allison, are you having a stroke?”
“No- It’s just, he’s actually nice, Mads.”
“Oooh, your attachment issues are issuing a fight or flight response. Listen, Alls, truth is, three weeks ago I would probably play along and convince you to leave him, but if he’s a good thing, why would you not want him in your life?”
She sits down on the bed and looks me straight in the eye, shrugging.
“I could say the same about you.”
“Jake- I mean, West is different. I’m the thrill of the chase, and once Amanda is begging him to come back, he won’t give me a second thought.” I shrug, my heart feeling like it took a punch.
“I don’t know Mads. I’ve always seen the way he looks at you.
And it’s like you’re in this self-preservation bubble that’s destroying you from the inside out.
It’s like it’s rooted in you that you can’t be happy.
And maybe you’re right. Maybe Jake is just an adrenaline junkie who likes what he can’t have, but I have a feeling that it’s different with you.
And I think deep down you know that too, and it scares the shit out of you.
Just because your mom didn’t choose you, it doesn’t mean others won’t. ”
Now that was a blow. I know she didn’t mean it like that, but I still feel like shit after that last sentence.
“Thanks, Alls.”
She frowns and gets up.
“Mads, that’s not what I meant to say-”
“But you did. I’m late, see you tonight.”
And I get out of my room.
Each step that rocks our old wooden floors only intensifies the panic and anxiety inside me. Everything turns muffled, and only when I come into the kitchen, without me expecting it to, does it turn okay again.
Jake steps into our kitchen as soon as I step in.
“Good evening, neighbors!” Jake greets cheerfully.
I look at him, and come on, could that boy be any more handsome?
It’s not like he is suited up or anything, and that makes it worse.
Those cargo shorts and that white shirt with the top two buttons, unbuttoned, aren’t that impressive, but still, I’m trying not to blush intensely.
And his messy hair is still wet, and a few strands are falling onto his face. I mean, god! Was that really necessary?
It’s like I’m experiencing this turmoil of emotions right now, and I’m too confused to get out words. Look at your family and wait for him to say something.
“Mr. B, if you don’t mind, I’m here to take my blushing girl here to a surprise date.”
“I don’t mind. At all. She keeps saying she hates surprises but keeps having men in her life who love to make them…”
I look at my dad truly this time, and not to distract myself from… People. He’s smiling and- Are his eyes twinkling? Why is he so emotional, and why can’t I regulate my emotions like him? In a healthy way?
“Dad?”
“Yeah?” He responds, looking at me with the most endearing look I’ve ever seen.
Like every time I talk about how much I liked a book, or the first time we went to the annual fair without the she-devil and he, my sister and I had so much fun.
Or when I danced with him in the kitchen, on top of his feet, because I was really small and couldn’t reach him.
All those memories rushed and are confined in one look.
“You okay?”
“I’m just really happy seeing you get out of your hard shell. I’m glad you’re letting the world see the beautiful girl you’ve always been. Inside and out, and I’m ruining the mood like an old man who has no life.” He jokes, and I shake my head.
“Well, everything good in me is thanks to you, old man, so thanks.”
He opens his arms, and I go for a quick hug, and I have to admit, these hugs my dad gives kind of made me forget every worry that haunted my mind seconds ago. But I can’t be attached to my dad forever, unfortunately. He’s like a dream catcher that captures all my nightmares.
I get out of my dad’s arms and walk slowly toward Jake, avoiding his eyes like the brave person I am.
“John, I wish to become half the man you are.” Jake points to my dad, like the suck-up he is, while opening the kitchen door.
“Yeah, yeah, you just wanna distract me from the fact you’re gonna be alone with my daughter for three hours.” My dad raises an eyebrow, and my face morphs into disgust.
“Dad!”
“No comments.” Jake comments while getting out of the door and taking my hand with him.
Although it’s 8 PM, the sun is still out there and ready to set about what I expect to be 8:50 PM. I love how in the summer, the sunset is later. It can even set at 9 PM.
We make our way to the gate, and when we get out of it, I speak for the first time.
“My family is more emotional than I am. My dad.” I clarify. “Not that I don’t cry, it’s just not…“ I trail off, Allison’s words echoing through the back of my mind. Just because your mom didn’t choose you…
“You okay?” He looks forward, hands in his pockets, while taking me somewhere.
“Fine, stop asking.” I briskly say.
He purses his lips and nods stiffly.
“I understand you may be going through something right now, but you don’t have to talk to me that way.”
It’s like a slap in the face. He never called me out like that.
I’ve said ruder things to him, but this is the one he calls me out on, because usually there’s an understanding between us that we mock each other, but we don’t mean it.
We do it respectfully, and he’s right, I wasn’t respectful to him right now. What’s wrong with me?
“You’re right, I’m sorry.” I get it out of my chest, and unexpectedly, my eyes start stinging. Oh, this cannot be happening…
“Okay, something really is wrong… You just said you’re sorry.”
I blow out a big breath, and my hands start shaking. I look up at the sky, trying to stop the tears from falling.
“Hey, hey, I didn’t mean to make you cry, it’s just the way you were talking-”
“You’re right, I was being awful.” I sniffle, wiping my eyes and wailing.
“It’s just that Allison reminded me that my mom didn’t choose me, and I know she didn’t mean any harm, but it’s banging inside me, and I feel awful, and I was awful to you, right now.
I’m sorry, god, I hate crying in front of other people!
” I cover my face and try to look away and get out of this embarrassing situation.
“I don’t go around telling her that she lacks attention at home!
” I explode, and Jake stops, putting an arm in front of me to stop me, too.
“I know it hurts.” I glance at his eyes, and this is one of those only times where he seems dead ass serious. “We can go to the movies and watch a rerun or something, if it makes you feel better.” He suggests, and my body eases.
“That does make me feel better. But how did-”
“Max-sized popcorn bucket with extra salt and butter. You order a Coke, but finish it before half the movie has passed, and end up wanting a bottle of water too.”
“That’s exactly what I get…”
“I only know because it’s usually my water bottle.” He dismisses it, but I’m still appalled.
“Am I that boring and predictable?” I half-joke, and he nods his head, smirking. “You know what, don’t answer. Let’s do your thing.”
“You sure?” He narrows his eyes because he knows I’m easy to change my mind on these things. And he would be right because why are we coming closer to his bike?
We stand beside it, and he looks at me, waiting for me to freak out. I gulp and close my eyes for half a second. To not caring, Madelaine…
I extend my hand, waiting for a helmet, and he is visibly surprised. He ruffles his hair quickly and gets down to pick it up for me.
“So, we won’t be going very far, just a preview that I wanna show you before the first stop on our date.”
The first stop? How many stops are there going to be?
I finish putting on the helmet, and he taps it three times.
“Why’d you do that?”
“Just something me and my dad do before every ride.”
“My dad and I.” I correct, and he looks at me, amused.
“You also go on bike rides with your dad?”
I roll my eyes, and he closes my visor.
He gets on top of the bike, and I follow along. He then turns backwards before putting on his helmet.
“You can hold on just below the seat, or you know, hug my rock-solid body for a safer trip.”
“I’d rather fall.” And I place my hands just below the seat, while he shakes his head, placing his helmet in the hottest way I’ve ever seen a human do it.
He turns on the bike and- Oh my god, what is this terrifying sound?!
My arms immediately fly to grab him by his waist, and then I hear his laughter. I push him away, and he opens his visor.
“At least I tried.”
I push him once again.
“I hate you.”
“You keep saying that, but somehow, I don’t believe it.”
And he doesn’t give me a chance to talk further. I feel the bike moving underneath me, and my hands grip the bench even harder.
He drives slowly, I’m sure, for my sake.
I hate to admit it, but riding a bike is actually pretty cool.
And light even. My hair must look like a mess, but at least it’s not in my face.
It’s so hot when you’re standing still in the middle of the street that when I feel the soft breeze in my arms, it’s actually relaxing.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m still scared for my life, but this is yet another thing I was wrong about.
My stubbornness isn’t getting me anywhere.
I thought that if I stuck by these rules and did things always within my comfort zone and my safe space, I knew everything that was coming my way, and there wouldn’t be any surprises.
But my foundation and my beliefs are falling apart because I’m starting to realize I’ve been living the same life for the past eight years, and I’m always feeling the same feelings.
Nothing new enters, nothing new gets out. And I’m starting to get sick of it.
He slows down near Mailview’s very own medium-sized river beach.
The one with the jumping board on my list and the one that almost half the population in this town has dived from.
It’s only open for the annual summer competition, and for the rest of the year, it’s forbidden even to climb a few steps, let alone dive from it.
The rest of the beach is divided from VIP tents owned by Amanda’s family — only a few, it’s not like this is the biggest tourist spot on earth — a shared common area where normal people stay, and the beach diner.
Everything looks the same except for just outside the diner, where a white projector board is in front of the river, and blankets/towels and enormous pillows for support lay there waiting for somebody.
He stops the bike but doesn’t leave it, so I just lower my visor.
“Did you do this?”
“Oh, I did more than this, but that’s for later.”
I put the helmet again, and he looks back at me, that ever-grinning look on his face, and he replies with nothing but closing his visor and starting the bike.