Chapter 38 Denial Is A River In Egypt （I’m NOT in love）
Denial Is A River In Egypt (I’m NOT in love)
The rest of the afternoon, I eat, watch TV, and read, because since I got into this mess with Jake, I haven’t had the time to do it. Fast forward to when everyone gets home.
I’m lying on the couch eating popcorn, thinking about life, you know, when my sister walks in giggling with my cousins.
“What is it?” I lift my head, looking at them, and I have been in this position for so long that I have marks of the couch’s arm on my face.
“I’m just laughing because Blake enjoys stuttering in front of Allison a lot.” She looks at Blake, who’s currently a tomato. Brandon is also smiling.
“Shut it, both of you.” Blake manages to get out. Poor guy.
“Don’t listen to them. You don’t need to have a partner. You know what, you don’t even have to have feelings.” I state, shoving popcorn in my mouth, shaking my head slightly, like a crazy lady.
“What happened to you?” Brandon asks, in shock, noticing my pajama pants and messy bun, on the couch.
“What do you mean?” I smile a little too passively aggressive.
“What happened between you and Jake?” Blake asks back, looking at me, finally understanding.
“We decided to part ways equally.” I say blurting out every word and looking at everything except those three.
“He ditched you, didn’t he?” The twins ask at the same time, raising their eyebrows. My sister smacks both their heads in the back and explains to them.
“Didn’t you hear her? They both decided.” She rolls her eyes and breathes out in frustration.
“Thanks, Lindy.” I say, half-smiling.
“What are we watching?” She sits by me on the couch and takes the remote.
She sends a pointed look to my cousins and makes them stay.
We decide to watch To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before.
Everyone except us is bathing, so little by little, the living room started to get crowded.
We’re currently in that part where Peter is trying to explain to Lara Jean that he and Gen didn’t do anything, and I just mutter, “Respect, Lara Jean. Respect.”
This movie is weirdly representative of my situation. Fake dating to make the ex jealous, the main girl has an absent mother who screwed her up for love forever, except in this story, she comes to terms with her issues, and I… Don’t.
“Okay, you are coming with me.” Allison gets up, takes my wrist strongly, and I get up, almost falling forward. She drags me all the way to our room and sits me down.
“Someone’s in a bad mood.” I utter jokingly.
“You should be in a bad mood.” She scolds.
I don’t think I should. I already released tension a little by pouring my heart out in an unknown hill, got comforted by the best friend of the person who made me pour my heart out, and then came back to a peaceful afternoon reading, eating, and getting comfortable.
All things I love to do. All those things are making me forget that less than 24 hours ago, I was kissing him.
Under the moonlight. And kind of embraced.
And kind of in love. You know what? I don’t think I am in love.
It was just an intense situation. I liked him, there’s no denying that, but I may have overreacted with the word love there.
All of a sudden, I hear something hitting my window. Allison and I turn to it, and I get up to check it out. It’s Jake. Throwing pebbles at my window.
I open it.
“West, I don’t think Amanda will like the fact that you’re throwing pebbles at another girl’s window.” I say bitterly, and his lopsided grin appears.
“She doesn’t have to like it. We’re not together.”
My heart drops. Shit.
My face turns somber, and his happiness fades seeing my reaction. I close the window and make a gesture for Allison not to comment. I go downstairs alone and pass by everyone. I take a deep breath before opening the gate.
When I get out, Jake is standing there, looking between my window and the ground, pebbles still in hand. He hears me and turns to me.
“Whatever you’re about to say, hear me out first. Amanda and I? Done. Forever.”
“Jake-”
“And I know you’re scared, but I’m scared too, and we can be scared together, you know?” He holds my shoulders, and there’s this hopeful glint in his eyes that crushes me even more.
“I can’t be with you.” I emphasize, and he stops, confused. “I want to, but there’s this voice inside my head that tells me not to. That I’ll hurt us for no good reason.”
“Madelaine, I love you.”
My eyes widen, and I’m truly speechless and alarmed.
“Jake, this is no joking matter.” I cross my arms and narrow my eyes.
“I’m not joking. I love you.”
My fight or flight instinct kicks in.
“No, you don’t!” I panic, feeling my eyes go all frantic on him.
“I’m pretty sure I do.” He starts to laugh, and I cover his mouth.
“Take that back! You don’t mean it.” I remove my hand as soon as we both look at it, and he smirks. “That’s it. Of course… You’re only saying this to piss me off, right? Jake, I already told you, don’t joke-”
“No, I do love you. I think I’ve been in love with you ever since the moment I made you smile for the first time. You know the one I’m talking about.” He comes closer, and I clumsily take a step back.
“No, I don’t, and you’re not being funny, Jake. Quit it.”
“Oh, you do.” He genuinely smiles, and I feel my cheeks heat up.
“And I think you love me too, even though you’re in some type of denial.
But I can’t be the one to tell you how you feel.
You have to figure that one out on your own, and when you do…
” He holds my eyes, like he never held them before, and stares at me with the most earnest expression I’ve ever seen coming from him.
“I’ll be here. Just like I always was, and always will. ”
I’m left breathless. What is this?! This isn’t real. I’m just dreaming this, that’s it.
How am I supposed to turn him down after this? God, I want to throw my arms around him and kiss him and cry at the same time, because it’s like this hurricane is living inside me, and this confession only made it worse.
It’s like he’s giving me all this love, and I don’t know what to do with it. Like I’m picking it up with my index and thumb and studying it, trying to figure it out. If I want to throw it away or keep it.
“Jake, my head-” My eyes start watering, and he hugs me.
“Your head has been playing tricks with you for a long time. I hope you know you’re more than your story.” He kisses the top of my head, remains for a few seconds, and then takes a few steps back. “I guess I’ll be seeing you, Brown.”
“See you, West.”