29. Luke
CHAPTER 29
Luke
A MONTH LATER
“Something’s wrong with her,” I tell Ethan and Gwen’s pediatrician as we both watch Gigi attempt breastfeeding them for the first time from a distance.
The lactation consultant is helping the babies latch onto her nipples. I can tell by the wide smile on her face that it’s a success. I don’t know what version of Gigi would have left the hospital and come home with me if this had been a bust. Since she’s been discharged, Gigi has been going to the hospital every day to be with the twins. Sometimes she’d come with her mom, other times with Kai, a couple of times with Uber, but mostly with me. And every time we go home, a dark cloud is suddenly over her head the second we step into the car. It’s like she puts on a happy mask for Ethan and Gwen and takes it off once she’s not with them.
“With Gwen?” Dr. Woodsen, or Susanne, as she insists, asks. “She’s not putting on as much weight as Ethan, but it’s nothing you should be concerned about. They’re all set to leave the day after tomorrow.”
“She’s been…off.”
Susanne lifts her chin so that her eyes meet mine. Her lips are pressed together as she focuses on my expression before staring straight ahead to study Gigi. My word holds no meaning because Gigi looks like the happiest person on Earth right now. She’s cooing and giggling.
“Did you talk to her doctor about this?”
“When she was still staying here, I didn’t understand what was happening. I thought it was just the usual stuff, you know? The babies came too early and on top of that, we have a bunch of things going on with our families. I thought she was just stressed, so I didn’t say anything then.” I shove both hands in my jeans pockets and continue, “I had class when she went to her normal OB/GYN for the incision check a week ago. Her mother took her.”
“How is she now?”
“All she does at home is pump milk and cry,” I admit. Getting Gigi to converse is becoming a difficult task unless it’s to talk about the babies.
Susanne mulls over all of the information, and I mentally kick myself for dumping all of this information on her lap. She’s a pediatrician, not a shrink, not even Gigi’s doctor. I’m just so lost. Thanks to me being a horrible person and not being able to see the bigger picture, Gigi was probably already on a slippery slope to being in a dark place before the birth. But now? Now I’ve completely lost her.
“Postpartum depression is very common,” Susanne finally says. “But so are crying spells with new mothers. It might be nothing, or it might be something. You or Giuliana should bring this up with her OB/GYN during the six-week checkup if this is still a concern by then.”
I nod and thank Susanne. The moment she walks off, I take my phone out of my pocket, my eyes still glued on Gigi who is putting a sleeping Ethan down. My molars grind together when I read the notification on the screen.
Zach
I’ve been trying to contact you two these past few weeks. I hope everything is going well with the kids, man. I know I don’t have a leg to stand on, but once you’re not so busy, I really want to explain myself. Give my best to Gigi.
Deep inside, there’s no denying that the conversation with Zach needs to happen. If it were up to me, I’d bang on his door right now and hear him out. Although I hate what he did to Andrew, I’m indebted to him for taking care of Gigi when I stupidly didn’t do my fucking job as a husband and father. But I look at my wife who’s already back to her sulking self with both of our children sleeping and I know, I just know that she’s not fucking ready for this. Who knows what he has to say? Who knows how Gigi will react? She’s already fragile as it is.
I gave Susanne the summarized version of our home life, but Kai and I are dealing with a train wreck. She’s not sleeping. She’s not going out of the house unless it’s to the hospital. She’s ignoring calls and messages. When we’re in class or I’m working, I’m pretty sure Gigi just lays in bed. And when we’re home, she barely acknowledges us. I also have my suspicion that the only reason she’s eating is because she’s convinced she needs to produce tons of milk to stock up.
Now is not a good time. I’ll text you.
“Let’s go home. They’re sleeping.” Her harsh voice takes my focus away from the messaging app.
“Want to grab dinner on the way back?” I ask. I don’t miss the way her body flinches as I rest my arm around her shoulders.
“We still have leftovers at home.”
“I feel like eating Thai tonight.” Maybe going out would do her some good. Get us out of this rut.
“We have to live below our means, remember?” Gigi replies, throwing my own words back at me.
I grimace, feeling a pang of guilt in my chest. “Gi, I went a little overboard with that. I’m sorry.”
“You’re right about that, Luke. Let’s go. I’m tired.”
Gigi’s walking faster, as if she doesn’t want to be next to me anymore. I grab her wrist, stopping her. Again with the flinching. There was a time when she used to lean into my touch. We used to be all over each other, and I know the change isn’t just because we’re exhausted new parents.
“Gi, we need to talk.”
“What?” she asks coolly. She presses the elevator button and stares at the silver metal, not sparing me a glance.
“Baby, look at me.”
“What?” There’s a bite this time. The term of endearment is pissing her off.
“I’m worried about you. You’ve been crying a lot, Gi. Will you tell me what’s going on in that head of yours? I’m scared.”
“It’s just baby blues,” she whispers. “I’m fine. Dr. Patel said it’s normal.”
“You talked to Dr. Patel about this?” My eyebrows quirk.
She sighs. “Yes, so let it go. It’ll go away soon. My body is just adjusting to the hormones. I was pregnant and now I’m not.”
Okay, maybe I’m overreacting. Maybe I just feel guilty for how I’ve been treating Gigi. Maybe she’s just mad at me and not depressed. Mentally, I start kicking myself for working so much and missing the birth of my own goddamn children. Minus points for causing us to have a dead bedroom before the birth because I was so tired all the damn time.
“Do you want to come with me to Grandma’s house on Saturday?” I ask, trying to lighten the mood. “I’ve taken off all the floral wallpaper except for the one in the basement. I can’t believe she covered everything in that shit. We can stop by Kinsdale Springs on the way back.”
“Why are you even suggesting this, Luke?” What did I say wrong now? “We can’t take Ethan and Gwen to a construction site. They’d need to stay at home, and my scar still hurts.”
Before I can answer, the elevator door opens and we step into the small space filled with four other people. The whole way down to the basement, I can’t shake this feeling that’s eating me up from the inside. Something is off with Gigi, and I’m scared that I was the one who started it.