32. Gigi
CHAPTER 32
Gigi
“Hi, Gwenny,” I babble, letting my little girl wrap her fingers around my pointer. “Wait a minute, okay? Mommy still needs to change Ethan’s diaper. I’ll give you boobie in just a second.”
I know she’s still too small to comprehend what I’m saying, but I swear her whole face lights up at the mention of boobie . Not wanting his sister to steal all the thunder, Ethan starts squirming on the changing table. He grabs the palm that I’ve planted on top of his stomach as a safety measure and starts cooing.
“Hold on. Hold on, little man.” I chuckle. “I’ll be with you in a second.”
I let go of Gwen and get out of the starfish position that I’m in, putting all my focus on Ethan. He flashes me a gummy smile, which I’m sure is just him passing gas, and my heart can’t help but warm at the sight. I blow raspberries on his stomach before plopping both him and Gwen on the air mattress and breastfeed them.
As the suckling starts, I close my eyes and uneasiness fills me up again. It’s been two weeks since I’ve been sleeping with them in this room, but I’m not any calmer than I was before. In my head, I start adding new things to what I call my List of Unknowns.
My studies
My career
My relationship with Luke
My relationship with Dad
Luke’s relationship with Vince
Money
Andrew’s dad
My fading bond with my friends and Becca
Zach
I know it’s shallow, but how can I get my old body back?
Daycare
Gwen and Ethan’s health
Thanks to an article Mom sent me about leaving your child unattended in a car seat during the summer, I can now add number thirteen. How not to forget about your child when you park your car.
Thanks to my stupidity and my newfound hobby of Googling statistics when I can’t sleep, number fourteen is also going up. Crimes against children in America .
Just because I don’t have time to do this on an Excel sheet doesn’t mean I’m not doing it. It’s become an unhealthy habit of mine. An obsession.
I know something is wrong with me, I just don’t know what. All I know is I can’t trust anyone with Gwen and Ethan. I barely let them out of my sight, even when they’re with Mom or Luke, and it’s driving me crazy. It’s making them insane.
Although Mom tries to help as best as she can, she has her own life. She has a high-demanding job and is busy taking care of Becca. Besides, due to her working all the time, we were never each other’s best friends who shared everything. I don’t blame her, though. It is what it is. I just don’t want to be like her; I want to be present for my children.
Number fifteen. How to be there for my child while also restarting school.
What Mom doesn’t see, Luke calls me out on. I bite my lower lip as guilt gnaws my insides and anger fuels my scattered brain. He senses something is wrong, but he keeps insisting on slapping postpartum depression as a label. I’ve read the pamphlets that the hospital gave me on the topic. I’ve heard what the midwife told me. For him to suggest that I’m a danger to myself, or worse, my children, is downright offensive. In fact, it’s the opposite. I worry about them so much I can’t take it.
I know he’s just doing his best. Fuck, do I know that. Luke isn’t an asshole, but the fact that he insists on me letting him into my innermost darkest thoughts when every time something bad happens, his first instinct is to run and leave me alone…the fact that he wasn’t there for their birth…the fact that he got multiple jobs without talking to me first…My marriage is reminiscent of my parents’ and it cuts deep to accept that.
Just like my parents, not only one side is to blame. I know my part in all of this. My first mistake was baby trapping him. I’m sure he regrets marrying me, especially now that we’re barely even talking and I’ve thrown his future away. The second one was my friendship with Zach. Of course, he would see it as a betrayal.
If I’m being honest with myself, I feel sorry for him. I don’t understand why someone like Luke decided to pick someone like me. It’s clear as day that he’s too good for me. He’s smart, handsome, resilient, and he has a heart of gold. I’m just some dumb former cheerleader who’s past her prime.
Congratulations, Gigi. You’ve made a wonderful mess of everything.
I don’t know when it started, but there is a little voice inside of me that likes to nag and tell me Luke probably decided to date me after we fucked for the thrill of it. I was his stepsister. We were grieving. A forbidden fruit, a shared trauma—why not kill two birds with one stone? Have some fun and numb the pain.
At nights like these, when Luke and Kai aren’t at home, my doubts come in droves that maybe I was too clingy after spring break last year. I was a virgin before him; Luke was my first. It’s normal that I’d fall in love with him, especially with how perfect Lucas Palmer is. The little voice echoes my deepest fear. Perhaps Luke doesn’t feel as strongly for me as I do for him. He’s probably looking for a way out. That’s why he’s always watching me.
“Gaaah, stop it, Gigi!” I yell to myself, startling the twins. “Sorry, guys. Sorry. Mommy’s just feeling a little down lately. Shhh.” I rub Gwen’s hair before doing the same to Ethan until they both flutter their eyes shut again.
I roll my own when my phone starts ringing loudly on the nightstand. “Jesus Christ.”
I groan. My children start to stir, and I decline the call without looking at the screen. Three seconds later, the phone rings again. I do the same thing, but it rings again.
My eyebrows quirk up when I see it’s Mom who’s calling me. She should be at the hospital right now. I know because Becca wanted to come over tonight to see the twins, but Mom told her she had work.
“What’s up?” I answer. “Sorry, I’m putting Ethan and Gwen to sleep.”
“Gigi.” She manages to say my name before breaking down in a sob.
“Mom, what’s wrong?”
“There’s been an accident, honey.” I feel like I’m falling out of a building. The last time I got a call similar to this, it was Luke telling me Andrew died. My mind goes to the worst-case scenario.
Please, don’t let it be Luke. What if he had to split up a bar fight and got caught in the middle? What if he was in a car crash? Didn’t a car get T-boned while he was on the way back from his grandma’s house to Ravensfield that time?
“Is it Luke?” I ask with a tremble in my voice.
Mom is silent. “It’s Vince, Giuliana. He had an accident. You and Luke need to get to Kinsdale Springs.”