40. Zach
CHAPTER 40
Zach
A FEW WEEKS AFTER ANDREW’S DEATH
You killed someone. You killed someone. You killed someone.
“Fuck!”
I open my eyes to a dark room. My blanket is on the floor and my roommate’s bed is still made up, telling me he didn’t come home last night. Relief washes over me when I realize he wasn’t a witness to another one of my nightmares.
Scrubbing my face with a sweaty palm, I try to get the picture of Andrew out of my head. Ever since he died, that guy is the only thing I can think about. At parties. In the hallway. When I see the girl he left behind looking all sad.
My alarm goes off. 4:30 a.m. I guess it’s time for me to pretend to be a functioning member of society again. Get ready. Breakfast. Gym with the team. Repeat. This life used to be my dream when I was younger. But I feel so down now. So fucking down, so fucking angry, and so fucking scared.
I don’t want this life anymore. I hate my routine. I dread going back home to my family. I don’t like who I am.
The cold fall wind greets me as I take a step out of my building. With barely anyone in sight, all I can hear is the sound in my own head.
You killed someone. You killed someone. You killed someone. You’re going to go to prison or you’re going to get sued. Good luck paying for the lawyer.
“Fucking stop it, Zach!” I say to myself.
I need something. I need something to calm me down. I need something to make it all go away. I need…
My feet move on their own accord, taking me to my car. I yank open the glove compartment and shove things aside, trying to find the one thing that can numb me. Numb me from my anger. Numb me from the guilt. It’s a bad idea. If coach doesn’t see it, my teammates surely will. Most of them don’t know me that well yet. They won’t cover for me like my team back in high school did. But the voices in my head are getting louder and I can’t deal with it anymore.
I stare at the pill in my hand, contemplating whether losing my scholarship, the only ticket I currently have to a better future, is worth the few hours of peace.
“Zach?”
I freeze.
“Zach, is that you?”
“Hey, Gigi!” It takes everything in me to smile. “What are you doing up so early?”
“I was taking a walk,” she answers like it’s the most normal thing for a girl to be strolling around alone in pajamas at five in the morning. “What do you have there?”
Oh shit.
I follow her line of sight and grimace. For some fucking reason, my fingers are playing with the blue pill. A calming gesture that’s biting me in the ass right about now.
“It’s nothing.”
Gigi studies me for a second. Her eyes traveling from my face back to the pill. She’s too fucking close. Too fucking suffocating. Too fucking…
You killed someone. You killed someone. You killed someone.
“Zach! Are you okay?”
“Huh, what?” I ask her, feeling the churning in my stomach.
“You look like you were about to pass out there for a second.”
“I’m good, really.”
Gigi walks toward me and I wonder what she’s going to do. Is she going to kill me here and now? Is she going to confront me? I swallow the lump in my throat when she leans on the passenger door of my car.
“You want to talk about why you feel the need to take a downer at five in the morning?” She flashes a sad smile before she continues, “I know Xanax when I see one.”
As I’m contemplating my next move, I finally realize something. This girl doesn’t know anything. It’s written all over her face. Her expression is too comfortable to be standing next to someone who bullied her dead boyfriend.
“You can get in trouble, you know,” she murmurs when I don’t answer. “You’d probably get kicked off the team. I was a cheerleader in high school. I saw a couple of football players get benched because their coach found out about them doing drugs.”
“Maybe they just needed an escape from their life.”
“And you? What are you escaping from?”
“I don’t like who I am anymore.” My answer startles me. I didn’t mean to respond. This is the last thing I need. To open up to her. What I need is to stay the fuck away from her now that I know she’s clueless. There’s no reason for me to linger around anymore. If I play this right, I might be able to walk away without anyone knowing. “You’re not going to tell anyone about this, are you?”
When she shakes her head, I give her a nod and walk away.
She doesn’t know anything, Zach. Let her go and leave her the fuck alone. You’re off the hook.
“I like you!” I hear Gigi yell from behind me, causing me to stop in my tracks. “As a friend. I like you.” I hear her jog to me, her breaths heavier the closer she gets. Turning around, I see Gigi with her hair all over the place. “Look, I don’t know what made you desperate enough to pop a pill this early in the morning, but I just want you to know, if you ever need someone to talk to, I’m here for you. Take it from the girl whose boyfriend just killed himself.”
Fuck me. This girl has been nothing but nice to me, blind to the fact that I played a huge role in her boyfriend killing himself. And all this time when I had her on my mind, it was either because I wanted to use her to get Andrew angry, or to figure out what she knew so I could anticipate the fallout.
“How are you doing?” My voice is gravelly, so I clear my throat. “With that. With everything.” Just say it, Zach. Say his name. “With Andrew.”
“It’s been tough, I’m not going to lie.” Gigi’s gray eyes turn a shade of silver and drops of tears start falling on her cheeks. “I miss him, but I’m also mad at him. He just left without a note. Without anything.”
This is your fault. This is your fault. This is your fault .
“If you ever need someone to talk to, I’m here for you.” Blowing out a breath, I curse myself in my head. You stupid fucking idiot. Why did you fucking say that?
To my surprise, Gigi’s mouth forms a curve. “Life will get better for us, Zach. It has to. You’ll see. Now how about we throw the pill away together and you go to your training?”
“Why are you so nice to me?” I can’t help but ask.
“You look like you could use someone in your corner.” She flashes me a smile, small but genuine.
I wanted, and I still want, Michael Palmer to pay for his sins. For ripping my family apart. For leaving me and my siblings with dysfunctional parents. I wanted Andrew to just feel a fraction of my pain, but he wasn’t meant to kill himself. And if he didn’t deserve to die, Gigi certainly doesn’t deserve to be punished for my doing. Apologizing to a dead guy is pointless, but maybe something else will ease this gnawing feeling in my chest.
“You look like you could use one, too.”
“Well, then.” She smiles. “My first act as your official friend will be to throw those pills away.” When I don’t move but cock an eyebrow instead, she continues, “I won’t tell anyone if you promise to quit. Friends talk and vent.” She sees that I’m not convinced and takes the initiative to snatch the baggie away from me and head over to my car. The girl actually goes through my car, finding my stash. I don’t know if I should be ashamed of her finding or impressed by her audacity. “Any time you feel like taking drugs…” She trails off as she dumps them all unceremoniously in the trash can. “Come hang out with Zoey and me.”
“Why are you being so nice to me?”
“Because eighteen-year-old boys should be enjoying their freshman year of college.” Her face looks pained as she speaks. “Not numbing their misery.”
I hear the words she doesn’t say. Don’t follow in Andrew’s footsteps.
The pool of guilt in my stomach grows bigger.