37. Dylan
37
DYLAN
W hen I get home, Amelia is curled up on the couch with a chunky blanket and a sleeve of Oreos, watching the latest trashy reality TV show. Despite feeling heavy-hearted over my behavior and the idea of Parker leaving as we’re just getting started, the sight brings a hiccupped laugh out of me.
She perks up when she sees me, turning the TV down. “Hi, Dee. How was your date night?” She sneaks a look at the clock on the wall. That’s right, we’re mature adults with wall clocks. It has nothing to do with the fact that it looks cute and matches the decor. “You’re home early.”
I kick my shoes off, drop my purse onto the kitchen counter, and slump on the couch next to her, grabbing an Oreo–or two–in the process. I sigh and run a hand through my hair.
“I fucked up.”
She turns her body toward me, crossing her legs and setting the cookies in between us for easier access. God bless her for knowing anything sugary can get me through the trenches. “Fucked up, how?”
“Mia, the night was perfect. He cooked us this beautiful dinner–steak, potatoes, asparagus, a nice bottle of wine. He planned the whole thing to tell me that Evelyn is a New York Times Best Seller. It was so romantic.”
Her bottom lip juts out in a pout. “That sounds amazing. So how did you fuck up…” She trails off, confounded.
“I got to tell him the news of the promotion, and he was so damn proud of me. We had some of the best sex we’ve ever had, and then, as we were getting ready to shower, I picked up his phone by accident.”
Her back goes stiff, and her eyes narrow down into slits. The look is so deadly it gives me the heebie-jeebies. “If that fucker is already cheating, I swear I will take a baseball bat to everything he loves. I’ll make him regret the day he was born.”
I can’t avoid the small smile that grows on my face. She’s so protective, and it’s a reminder of how lucky I am to have her in my life. It’s reassuring knowing that even if my world goes up in flames, I’ll always have her in my corner. If I go down, she’ll be right there with me.
“It’s nothing like that.”
“Thank God. I’d prefer not to have the cops called on me.” She pats my hand. “Just remember that it is on the table should you ever need it, though.” She throws me a wink, and I chuckle, shaking my head.
When the laughter dies down, I continue, “I saw an email, Mia. It was from a publisher in London. I couldn’t see the full thing, but it mentioned wanting to talk over a job offer they previously discussed. I couldn’t even bring it up with Parker like a normal person. I started to have another episode, so I shut down and ran.” My eyes tingle with tears, and I push them back, having had enough for one day.
“Oh, babe.” She scoots closer to me on the couch and envelops me in a tight hug. I cling to her and let out a shaky breath. “I think that email would’ve freaked anyone out in a new relationship. Why do you think it made you so anxious? ”
“I was immediately brought back to college. We were two very different people back then, but the distance ruined us. I’ve had to protect my heart every day since he walked away from me last time. I don’t want to go through that again.”
She brushes my tangled hair down, gently twirling the ends around her finger. I feel her chest vibrate with a small hum as she processes everything. “I love you, Dyl. And I don’t blame you for wanting to protect yourself. But that’s no way to live. You can’t constantly walk around afraid that Parker is going to break your heart. I bet if you asked him about the email, he’d have a very reasonable answer.”
I pull away from her grasp and lean against the back of the couch, throwing my arms over my face in shame. “I know. I didn’t mean to.” My voice cracks, and I feel so small. She pulls my hands away, placing them between us and giving them a light squeeze. Her face transforms into a gentle, reassuring smile.
“I know you didn’t. No one faults you for your actions. Trusting someone with something as valuable as your heart is one of the scariest things we can do in our lifetime. It’s easy to put your guard up at the first sight of danger. But if we all did that, we’d live in a sad, loveless world. And that’s not a world I want to live in if you ask me.”
A vision of my life without Parker flashes in my mind. A montage of the past five years plays, and I force myself to swallow the despair that rises in my throat. I have learned so many lessons in that time.
I took myself on solo dates and lived alone to learn how to appreciate my own company. I moved across the country and taught myself that I could do hard things. I watched all of my friends slowly move on with their lives, leaving me alone, and it taught me the most important lesson of all–to be happy in life, I have to be happy with myself.
These lessons are invaluable, and I’m so grateful I was forced to go through them because I wouldn’t be who I am today without them.
But when I think about what my future looks like, Parker is by my side. When I’m going through anything that makes me doubt my strength, I want him there to help pick me up. When I have moments where I momentarily lose faith in myself, I want him there by my side to tell me just how much he believes in me. I want him there through it all–even if it means that I get that support from over three thousand miles away. I’d rather have some of him than none of him.
“That isn’t a world I want to live in either. I hope he’s not mad at me. I did a pretty poor job of rushing out of there.” I blow out a sigh, my cheeks ballooning up as I release the hot air and tension that’s been building inside of me.
“I’m sure he’s more confused than anything, but he’ll be understanding. When are you supposed to see him next?”
“Tomorrow. We’re supposed to have a date at The Met.”
Amelia slams a hand against her chest dramatically, shaking her head. “You two are so damn cute. I need my own Parker.”
It’s my turn to give her an encouraging squeeze. “He’s coming, don’t you worry.”
She disregards the thought with a flip of her hand. She presses on, “I think you should text him right now and tell him that you’re still on for the date. And be honest with him. Tell him you saw the email and panicked. I think he’ll be understanding, and you guys can talk about what the future holds for you together.”
“You’re right.” I shift closer to her and rest my head on her shoulder. “Thank you. I don’t know what I would’ve done without you.”
“You would’ve been fine. But I understand sometimes you just need to talk things out even though you know deep down what you need to do. ”
“Forever grateful shitty social media brought me you,” I gush.
“Me too. Thank God you weren’t some creep. This conversation would be going very differently,” she cracks.
With one last laugh, I grab one more Oreo, give her a hug, and stand. I grab my purse off the kitchen counter and dig around for my phone, which I snatched in a hurry on my way out of Parker’s apartment. Turns out I had left my phone in there the entire time. One look tells me that I have two missed texts and a missed call from Parker.
“I’m going to get some sleep. Goodnight Mia. I love you!” I exclaim.
“I love you too, Dee.” Amelia turns the TV back up, and our apartment fills with the sound of housewives screaming at one another about god knows what.
When I stride into my room, I throw my purse on a chair beside my bed and plant myself on the edge of my mattress. I reread the texts from Parker, remorse rising in the back of my throat like bile.
Parker: You seemed upset when you left. I hope everything is alright. Please text me when you get home so I know you made it safely.
Parker: I love you, Lucky
I send him a text back, letting him know that I’m home, safe, and happy. I also let him know that we’re still on for tomorrow before changing into a pair of silky pajamas and getting ready for bed. With an absurd amount of skincare products on and my teeth brushed, I climb into my bed, allowing myself to immediately be swallowed by the warmth of my comforter.
I grab my newest romance novel off of my nightstand and read about the love everyone fantasizes about–which I’m now confident I have–until my eyes grow heavy.