Thirty-Two
I wish I had a camera.
The look on Alice’s face when she opens the door, and then when her eyes fall to Theo’s hand in mine, is nothing short of priceless.
“What’s this?” Her mouth spreads into a wide grin I’m sure I’ve never seen on her before. “Are you guys back together?”
I glance up at Theo, letting him take the lead on this. I’m not sure “back together” would be the right way to describe it, but it’s not too far off. Besides, Alice doesn’t know the truth of why we really started seeing each other, so from her perspective “back together” makes sense.
Theo meets my eyes with a shy smile, brings our clasped hands up to his mouth to kiss my knuckles, and says, “Something like that.”
“I’m glad.” She claps him on the shoulder, the contact only lasting for a second before her arm falls back against her side. “Come on in. We’ve got a lot of work to do.”
The door is held open by a cardboard box, and her welcome mat is gone. Inside, a stack of boxes block the couch and what appears to be kitchenware wrapped in old newspaper covers every surface of the granite countertops. I get to work helping Alice pack up in the kitchen while Theo loads her car with the boxes that were previously packed. He picks up each one easily, without so much as a grunt except for when he adjusts the wide TV box against his shoulder. Before long, sweat beads his forehead, his skin glistening.
“When are you leaving?”
“Next week,” Alice says, grabbing an empty box and a roll of tape. “I’m staying with Christine in the meantime. The goal is to move all my stuff out of here by the end of the day.”
“So soon,” I say. “You must be excited.”
“I’m more stressed at the moment. Aside from Theo, I couldn’t get help from anyone last minute, so I’m really glad he brought you. Christine helped for approximately one hour before bailing on me yesterday. But I’m sure excitement will follow once I’ve gotten everything taken care of.” She stares at the stack of boxes taking up her living room. “There’s no way all this is going to fit in my car.”
“Will you need a second trip?”
“That’s what I was trying to avoid.” She heaves a sigh. “I need to get out of here today.”
I stare at her for a long moment. “That bad, huh?”
She sends me a knowing look that speaks for itself. No wonder she took the TV. She’s taking almost everything, if the empty cabinets are any indication.
“Car’s full,” Theo announces, watching us stare at the stack of remaining boxes. “Are you really taking all of this with you when you move?”
“Of course not.” She crosses her arms over her chest. “I’m just taking what’s mine.”
“Does that mean you’re giving away any of this stuff?” he asks. “Can I call dibs on the espresso machine?”
He elbows her side playfully, and she waves him off, shaking her head but smiling with exasperated fondness. There’s something about seeing them interact together that clicks something into place for me. This must’ve been how they were together in high school, teasing each other the way lifelong friends do. There are no more longing looks on Theo’s end, no visible trace of the feelings he has for her.
Is it possible that he’s gotten over her?
She’s moving across the country next week, and he’s not a wreck the way he was the night of her engagement party. Instead, he’s happily helping her pack and calling dibs on whatever she’s leaving behind. He did exactly what he told me he would, didn’t he? He let her go.
“Maybe I shouldn’t, but I kinda feel bad for Ben,” he says, eyes sweeping the bare apartment. “You’re not leaving him with much, are you?”
She shrugs, but I don’t quite buy the careless motion of her shoulders. “He’s lucky I’m leaving him the sectional.”
“He is lucky,” I say. “It’s a lot nicer than mine.”
“My neck can speak to that.” Theo rolls his head in slow circles, startling us both when his neck cracks with a loud, crunching sound. His eyes cut to me in playful accusation. “I couldn’t do that before spending one night on your couch.”
I’m about to roll my eyes and call him dramatic when Alice’s face morphs.
“When did you sleep on her couch?” She glances up at him, confused. He stills, eyes trained on the floor as he realizes the mistake he’s made.
“Um.” I’m still racking my brain for a way out when headlights beam through the blinds, and the low rumble of a car engine sounds outside. It’s just my luck that my way out of this conversation includes him. “Is that who I think
it is?”
“What?” Alice turns to where I’m looking.
“Someone just pulled up,” Theo says.
We wait in silence as the car door slams. A moment later, a key turns the lock and the front door swings open.
His shoulders are slumped as he walks into the living room, eyes downcast. That’s why he doesn’t see us at first. When his head lifts and his eyes lock squarely on me, he freezes for a moment. He turns toward Alice, and then Theo, and that’s when his whole body flinches back.
“Ben—”
He doesn’t wait around for his brother’s explanation. Ben turns on his heel and walks out the door he just came through. Theo doesn’t hesitate before following him outside.
Alice and I exchange a look, both of us wondering if we should follow. This feels like a reckoning. After months of tiptoeing around each other, this is the confrontation that was coming. They need a chance to work out their issues in an honest way. It shouldn’t be our responsibility to interfere or help mend their relationship.
I nod once, and we walk outside.
“What the hell are you doing here?” Ben asks. “You can save whatever speech you planned—she’s made up her mind. It’s your fault she even applied to that internship.”
“I don’t have a speech this time.” Theo’s voice is dry as he holds up his hands in surrender. “She asked me to help her move out, and that’s all I’m doing.”
This time. A callback to how this all started, but Ben can’t know that, can he? He doesn’t react to Theo’s specific phrasing, doesn’t seem to notice anything strange in it. But then, he’s too angry to notice much of anything.
“That doesn’t change the fact that she’s leaving because of you.” He shoves at Theo’s chest, and though Theo doesn’t fall over, he nearly loses his balance.
“Ben, stop!” He halts at the sound of Alice’s voice, head swinging around, eyes bulging with rage. “I… thought you weren’t coming back until nine.” Alice shifts her weight from one foot to the other. “They’re just helping me pack.”
“It had to be them of all people. It’s not like there was anyone else you could call that I’m still on good terms with.” He keeps his eyes trained on Alice, maybe because of the three of us, she’s the only one he can stand to face. Even if his venomous tone suggests he’d rather have nothing to do with any one of us. In a way, I can’t blame him. In his mind, he’s sharing oxygen with three enemies. Three ghosts reflecting the mistakes he’d sooner bury than own up to.
“Ending our engagement and moving halfway across the country wasn’t enough, now you need to humiliate me in my own home? Haven’t you done enough?”
“Don’t talk to her like that.” I step forward, blocking him from Alice. “You don’t have the right. You’re just as culpable—”
“Me? You think this is my fault? What the fuck is even happening—” He lets out a laugh, humorless and wild. Runs his hands through his hair until his face stretches back. It would almost be comical if he wasn’t so pissed. “I would still be engaged if it wasn’t for you! That fucking text blew up my entire life!”
Okay, so we’re doing this out in the open then. I’m conscious of every car that passes by, a few even slowing down to stare. Despite the curiosity of strangers, I’m far more scared of the chaos that will be unleashed if we attempt to hash this out inside. There’s an entire box labeled brEAKABLES in there—any one of us might be tempted to crack it open for ammo.
“She didn’t blow up your life,” Alice cuts in. “I did. I chose to end our relationship, and don’t you dare pretend not to know why.”
“You saw the text before I did!” He throws out his arm, raising his voice. “You wouldn’t even let me explain—”
“You didn’t have to. It opened my eyes to what’s been right in front of me this entire time. Every time we had a fight, she’s the one you ran to. Do you know how many times I wondered if you were looking for a reason, any reason at all, to break up with me so you could be with her instead?”
A punch in the gut couldn’t knock the air from my lungs as much as that question just did.
I never knew about any of their fights. I always thought Ben and Alice were happy and in love and in it for the long haul. He never once hinted at the cracks in their relationship. I wonder how much I would’ve latched on to the hope of one day having him for myself if I’d known.
“I’ve been trying to get through to you for years about how unsatisfied I’ve been with my career, but every time I tried you took it as an attack. You never listened to me, never asked me what I wanted, not once. You can’t blame Theo for reminding me of the dreams I left behind, or Marcela for one goddamned text message. They didn’t blow up our engagement.” She shakes her head. “They saved us from the worst mistake of our lives. Ben, we don’t work.”
I don’t notice the shine of his eyes until tears streak down Ben’s face. He tries to hide his face with his hands, but it’s too late. Of all the times we’ve shared our pain in the past, of all the low moments we’ve experienced together, I’ve never seen him like this. I’ve never seen him broken.
We used to understand each other in a way other people didn’t. That’s why I’ve always been drawn to him. He was the first guy I ever saw myself in. I latched on to that, believing that was the reason why we should be together. But maybe we’re too much alike in the worst ways for us to have ever worked out.
Ben doesn’t understand how this happened, but I do. He told me once this was his worst fear. Becoming like his father, abandoned by everyone he loves. Now I’m watching it happen in real time.
“Why is everything always my fault?” His voice comes out garbled from the effort of keeping his voice steady. “Why am I the only one to blame here? If you never saw that message, we’d still be together.”
“Maybe.” Alice sniffles. She’s crying too, now. “But that doesn’t change the fact that we had problems we couldn’t solve. Getting married wouldn’t have fixed them.”
“Right. Fine. I’m the problem, once again.” He heaves a deep breath, collecting himself. “Never mind that you were the one looking for a reason to leave, and you found it in the form of something I had no control over. But sure, I’m the bad guy here.”
“I never said that—”
“You didn’t have to.” He’s not looking at her anymore. He needs someone to blame, and his eyes are pinned straight on the only logical source in his brain. His brother.
“This is exactly what you wanted, isn’t it?” Ben asks. “Well, congratulations. I ruined your life all those years ago, and now you’ve successfully ruined mine.”
“I never wanted this.” Theo shakes his head.
“And I don’t believe you,” Ben seethes. “You never would’ve turned the two people I care about most against me otherwise.”
“Enough.” Theo drags a hand over his face, exhausted. “It’s
only been a few months, and we’re back to the same bullshit. I made my feelings about your relationship with Alice clear from the start, but she made her own decision. I never influenced her. And let me make one more thing clear to you: No part of my relationship with Marcela was to get back at you. You’re the one who chose to see it that way. It was never a game, it was a method of survival. For both of us. That’s how it started, anyway. Anything after that, quite frankly, is none of your goddamned business.”
His chest falls, shoulders sinking in relief. I never realized how much the lie of how we started was weighing on him, but with the truth finally out Theo seems calmer. More assured of himself.
“I came back to San Antonio to be closer to family, but if you’re going to continue blaming me for your own actions, we need to get something straight.” He steps forward. “I’m not gonna take this abuse from you anymore. Any part of it. At this point, we’re only brothers in name. We may as well stay that way.”
“You’re not the martyr you think you are.” Ben grits his teeth. “You can’t put this all on me! You said it yourself—you’ve
only been back for a few months, and my life has imploded because of you!”
Theo lets out a mirthless laugh. “Of course I know I’m no martyr. But I’m not the one who blew up your life. I almost did try to, once,” he admits, looking at his brother head-on. I try to catch his eye, shake my head, anything to silently communicate to him that he doesn’t have to go this far, doesn’t have to be this honest, but he doesn’t so much as spare me a glance. “You don’t know what it looks like for me to ruin your life, and you have Marcela to thank for that.”
Ben’s brows crease, his expression turning wary. He turns to face me. “What is he talking about?”
Alice is looking at me too, the same confusion written on her face as when she asked when Theo slept on my couch. I wonder if she’s piecing together the ways they’re related, even now, waiting for Theo to confess his greatest shame.
“You don’t have to do this.” I take his hand, make him meet my eyes. “It’s already over. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
His gaze is steady as he looks down at me. He gives a slight nod, telling me he’s okay, silently communicating that this is something he needs to do, and that’s when it hits me.
I don’t want to lie anymore.
He wasn’t talking about the relationship we had before, not really. That’s never been a lie, even when I was telling myself it was. This is the lie he meant. The secret he kept from both of them for months.
“I almost told you not to marry my brother,” he says to Alice. “At your engagement party. I didn’t have any right to involve myself in your relationship, and I’m thankful Marcela stopped me. I’m ashamed of myself for the way I acted, but I can’t say there’s much about that night I regret.” He brings our clasped hands to his chest, intertwines our fingers. My chest fills when he looks down at me, eyes soft. “Except for any doubt it made you place in our future. If I could do everything about that night differently and still walk away with you at the end of it, I’d do it this second if it meant being worthy of you.”
I don’t know who looks more shocked, Alice or Ben. Alice keeps blinking at us like she can’t believe what she’s seeing. For a moment, Ben just freezes. I’m not sure what Theo thought he would accomplish by coming clean to his brother, if it was to clear his conscience or any doubt I’m still harboring about our relationship, but whatever the reason can’t be worth the ammo he just put into Ben’s hands.
A derisive clap of his hands and humorless laugh fill the air. He doesn’t look angry anymore.
“Well, isn’t that romantic?” His smile is brutal, and it’s aimed straight at me. “You stopped him from running away with my fiancée, by what? Throwing yourself at him?” Another laugh. “Well, if that isn’t love, then I don’t know what is.”
“Ben, don’t—” Alice tries, but it comes out half-hearted. Resigned.
“No, no, they should know what they’re getting themselves into,” he says over her. “Don’t fool yourselves into thinking you can come out of this as something real. You’re smarter than that, Marcela.” He gives me a knowing look, one that’s both familiar and chastising. “He’s gonna hurt you the same way he hurt me. I told you all about that once, didn’t I?”
He did, but he also left out so much. I can understand why Theo needed a clean break from him, at least for a while. He came back eventually. Maybe his return was influenced by Alice at the time, but I wonder if she’s not the only reason after all. If Theo kept coming back, hoping something about his relationship with Ben would change for the better.
“No fiancée, no best friend, no brother. And it all started when he moved back. You really think that’s a coincidence? You’re willing to take that risk?”
I wonder if Ben knows he’s found a way to use my worst fears against me, twist and jab them straight into the center of my chest. But it’s the way he’s warped them to make himself out as the victim that finally pulls me back. Because it all comes back to what he wants.
“No.” I shrug. “I don’t think it’s a coincidence. I just think it makes you a shitty person.”
“You’re fucking delusional.” He’s called me that before, hasn’t he? He steps backward, grabs his car keys from his jeans pocket, and walks around to the driver’s side. “I’m done. With all of you.” He looks at each of us in turn before shaking his head and hiding away inside his car.
I take a deep breath as his car pulls out of the parking lot, watching as it turns the corner and disappears. Theo isn’t the person his brother thinks he is. I’ve known that all along. That’s not the part of what he’s said that bothers me.
Don’t fool yourselves into thinking you can come out of this as something real.
I tried telling myself something similar at the start of this, didn’t I? It’s why I set boundaries in place, never mind all the times we broke them. We weren’t supposed to last this long, but we did. We weren’t supposed to fall for each other, but we did. We weren’t supposed to become something real, but we did.
We’ve beaten the odds before, so who’s to say we can’t do it again?
Alice heads back inside, but Theo makes no move to do so.
“Are you okay?” he finally asks. I glance up at him, this man I should’ve lost a long time ago, and nod.
“I should be asking you that.” He’s the one who just cut himself off from his brother. As shitty as Ben might be, that still has to hurt. “Are you, Theo? Okay?”
He drags in a deep breath, steadying himself. “I’ll be fine, Marcela.”
It’s true enough, I think. He’s not fine now, but he will be with time. I wrap my arms around him, giving him the comfort I know he needs. His arms come around my back, pulling me into him.
“It was a long time coming,” he goes on. “Something has to change between us before we mend our relationship. If that’s even something either of us wants to do. And right now, it’s the last thing I want.”
“I don’t blame you. Believe me. Our friendship soured when I stopped doing what he wanted. I made plenty of mistakes too, but there’s no going back for me. I understand why you can’t, either. Why you might not ever be able to.”
“As much as I hate him, I can’t close the door completely,” he says. “He’s my brother, but that doesn’t mean I have to subject myself to his crap all the time. Unfortunately, that also means I’ll always care about him. Even if he never changes.”
I want to tell him that that’s okay. He can change his mind at any point, give Ben all the chances he’s willing to give or none at all.
“He’s wrong, you know,” he says. “We’re not delusional. We walked into this with open eyes from the get-go.”
“Not you, though,” I remind him. “I didn’t tell you—”
“You may not have said his name, but you told me there was a guy,” he counters. “You were as honest with me as you were comfortable being. I can’t fault you for that.” He gusts out a sigh that tickles the top of my head. “What are you thinking?”
I tilt my head up to the dusky sky. Instead of answering, I tell him we should help Alice so she’s not stuck here another night. We spend the next two hours boxing up Alice’s entire life with Ben until the walls are bare and the living and dining rooms are nearly empty. Since we came in Theo’s car, we play the most high-stakes game of Tetris of my life filling it with Alice’s remaining belongings.
When we finish unloading everything at Christine’s apartment, Theo hugs Alice goodbye and I count all three seconds it lasts for. They speak quietly for a moment, words I can’t hear from where I’m standing beside the passenger door. They wave as they walk away from each other, a final send-off before Alice steps inside and Theo climbs into the driver’s seat.
On the drive home, Theo takes my hand and asks, “My place or yours?”
I smile at him, at this man I don’t have to part from yet.