Chapter 38
CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT
The next morning came very slowly, as it so often does when you are wearing a tracksuit made of polyester and trying to sleep on an uncomfortable bed cobbled together from NHS-standard plastic and metal waiting-room chairs. They had spent the night surrounded by people shouting and doctors coming and going and generally just hospital noise and detritus. Felicity had eventually dropped off in the early hours, only to be roused abruptly at 7am, first by the extraordinary noise made by the canteen workers bringing breakfast round the wards, and then the tall, thin doctor looming over her, looking rather like Jack Skellington from Nightmare Before Christmas .
James had moved to a bench a few metres away at some point during the night and now, annoyingly, was still asleep as far as she could tell from the steady up-and-down movement of his back.
‘I’m sorry to disturb you,’ said the doctor in a low voice, ‘but I’m about to go off shift and I wanted to update you first.’
‘He’s okay, isn’t he?’ she said, standing up and straightening her clothes as best she could.
Please God.
‘Yes, yes, he’s had a good night and seems to be doing okay.’
He hesitated then, and Felicity waited anxiously.
‘Has he had some kind of emotional stress or trauma that you know of?’ said the doctor, taking off his glasses and cleaning them on his green scrub top.
At that, Felicity must have gone even paler than she usually is.
She decided the truth was the only way forwards and explained what had been going on when it happened. A slightly edited version, of course.
‘Did…? I mean, who…? I mean, was it me, is it my fault?’ she said at the end, swallowing back fresh tears.
‘Not exactly,’ said the doctor, which wasn’t all that reassuring. ‘It does explain a few things though.’
He paused. For dramatic effect? Or was he trying to find the right words?
‘I shouldn’t really say any more. You’re not his next of kin.’
But he really looked like he wanted to tell her. So, Felicity waited patiently, keeping her features as still and friendly-looking as possible.
Come on, Jack Skellington.
It didn’t take long for him to crack.
‘Okay, fine. But I didn’t tell you anything, okay?’
‘Okay.’
‘Good. Well. Okay. Our initial scans seem to show he didn’t have a heart attack. It presented very much like it, but I suspect this may be what’s known as stress-induced cardiomyopathy or broken heart syndrome. We don’t normally see this in men… it’s usually women, I’m afraid to say, around ninety per cent of cases, in fact. Perhaps because you are generally more in tune with your emotions,’ he added, with a weak smile. ‘In any case, it can be brought on by a severe emotional trauma. Usually, the death of a loved one. Hence the name.’
Felicity’s hands flew to her face.
‘Oh my goodness. I did it. It was me. I nearly killed him.’
‘Oh no, I shouldn’t think so,’ said the doctor. ‘Even if your, er, argument was somehow a trigger, you couldn’t possibly know that this would happen. It’s not your fault.’
‘I think you’re just being kind.’
‘No, honestly. It’s not something we see very often, it’s very unusual. Most likely he’s got something underlying. We are doing some more investigations.’
‘Oh my God.’
‘He’s in good hands, don’t worry.’
‘Can I see him now?’
James waited outside with the sports supplement while Felicity crept tentatively into Adam’s room.
He looked terrible, which was hardly surprising, but Felicity still felt inwardly shocked. She was so used to Adam looking ‘together’, having it all ‘together’, and it dawned on her that in all the time they had known each other he had rarely been ill – or not that she could remember.
Now though, he looked ghastly. His cheeks were pale, his face gaunt, and his bare chest was covered in electrodes. There was a large cannula in his hand, something that always made Felicity wince. He looked tired, but he smiled as she walked in, and she felt overwhelmed with guilt yet again.
‘Hey, you,’ he said, his voice sounding hoarse.
‘Hey yourself,’ said Felicity, trying to keep her own voice light and airy. Don’t cry, don’t cry.
‘How are you feeling?’
‘Oh, you know, I’ve been better.’
‘I would have thought being waited on by nurses would be your idea of heaven.’
Don’t mention heaven, what are you doing?
‘Well, I haven’t had a bed bath yet and I don’t know if they still do them but if they do, I’m definitely down with that.’
Felicity rolled her eyes. ‘Glad to hear you haven’t lost your sense of humour, if that’s what you call it.’
‘What do you think of my gaff?’ said Adam, ignoring her and waving his free arm around the room weakly.
‘Love what you’ve done with the place.’
‘Knew you’d like it.’
They smiled at each other for a moment.
‘So… what the heck was that about then?’ said Felicity, mock punching him gently on the arm. ‘Apart from scaring the living daylights out of me, that is.’
Adam winced and shuffled on his pillows. Felicity stepped forward and began to help him rearrange them behind his head. Too late she realised it was rather an intimate move – a girlfriend move, really – and she quickly retreated, bashing into the heart rate monitor as she did so and ripping two of the electrodes from his chest.
He let out a yelp and then tried to cover it with something a little more manly. As he jerked in pain, both his pillows fell off the bed and landed on the floor at Felicity’s feet.
‘Ouch!’
‘Oh my goodness, I’m sorry! So sorry.’
Adam was rubbing the sore place on his chest with one hand and trying to reach down to retrieve his pillows with the other and something about the scowl of concentration on his face gave Felicity a sudden and irrational impulse to laugh. She tried to cover it by fussing around on the floor picking up the pillows herself but as she stood up, she could hold it in no longer and it came out in a guffaw. As she leant over him again to put the pillows back in place, Adam burst out laughing too and then winced in pain.
‘What are you like?’ he said when he could speak again.
‘I really shouldn’t be allowed out in public.’
‘You’re not kidding.’
He was still rubbing his chest and once he was comfortable – ish – and they’d both stopped giggling, Felicity picked up the ends of the electrodes and attempted to stick them back in place, batting feebly at his chest to get them to stick and trying not to think about the last time she’d touched that skin.
She had to get really close to him now, and let out a little cough to cover the awkwardness. But if Adam felt the same, he didn’t comment. When it all looked reasonably similar to before, she sat down on the bed and patted his hand lightly.
‘Ahem. Sorry about that. You were saying?’
‘What was the question?’
‘I was just asking you about, you know, the whole terrifying the life out of me thing. You remember that, right?’
‘Oh yes, that. Well. I have no idea what happened, basically. I don’t remember much about it. But my previous approaches didn’t seem to be working on you… so I thought I’d try a different tack. Sympathy vote, you know.’
She flushed. ‘Bit dramatic, don’t you think?’
‘You know me. Never knowingly understated.’
Felicity laughed. ‘That’s true enough.’
‘So…?’
‘So?’
‘Did it work?’ Adam shifted himself upwards in the bed. Then he held up a hand. ‘No. Second thoughts, don’t answer that. I don’t think I want to know.’ Still, his brown eyes flashed with hope. Or was it anxiety?
‘I think it’s best I don’t,’ she said, gently. ‘It was all my fault. I’m so sorry, Adam, I never should have spoken to you that way.’
Adam waved a hand. ‘Don’t worry, honestly, I deserved it.’
‘Maybe. A bit. But I was pretty cruel. And then I tried to bump you off again by pulling all those thingies off you. Sorry.’
Adam stared into her eyes for a long moment. ‘I meant what I said earlier, Fliss. It’s me who needs to say sorry. Please forgive me.’
‘Of course, I forgive you,’ said Felicity, and in that moment, for the very first time, she knew it was true. She had forgiven him. It felt like a huge iron helmet lifting from her head. Relief washed over her.
‘Thank you,’ he whispered.
She placed her hand on his and they just sat quietly together for what felt like an hour. Felicity’s heart had started to thump. It felt so familiar. So comfortable. She was conscious that a certain particularly gorgeous Penguin Man was just outside the door and yet she suddenly didn’t want to leave. How did Adam always have this effect on her? Even now. He was so irritating and also so confusing. And charmingly pathetic, right in this moment.
Adam looked as if he was about to say something more and Felicity’s heart raced even faster – calm down – but just as he went to open his mouth, in bustled two nurses and asked Felicity – politely, but firmly – to let him rest.
Don’t look too closely at the electrodes, for God’s sake.
As she left the room, she looked back over her shoulder to see Adam staring out of the window and biting his lip. He never bites his lip, she thought, vaguely.
What had he been going to say?
Her head ached.
God, she needed to sleep.