Chapter 53
The door shuts. I want to thank her and I want to deny everything and I want to ask what exactly she thinks she saw between us. But it’s too late to get a word in. I drift over to the food in a haze and sit down but don’t touch it.
Two minutes alone in a room with Vesper, and I’ve been yanked into a whirlwind, just like on Somnus.
When we first met, even though she helped me, I thought of her as frivolous. A sordid romp in a powder room behind her husband’s back painted a certain picture. Now that I see her inviting rebels into her home, enabling a plot she has supported with powerful magic and prophecies, I’m in awe.
She’s a force, though I’m not sure if she’s a force pushing me toward a good destination or a cliff.
Hunger wins out over shock after the day’s ride, so I eat a little of everything. As soon as the fork and knife go down, I’m left in the silence.
These walls aren’t warded against entry.
I stand and pace. I’m sure the masked man stayed in Arastos after he attacked me, and even if he left, there is no way he could have traveled as fast as we did to get here. But my father knows we are staying here for the night, which means my mother might know as well. She could send someone else.
But it’s always the masked man. No matter where I’ve gone, it’s always him. That makes me think she doesn’t have other options to call on. She may be well connected and endlessly wealthy, but she’s also closely watched. It would be risky to try to hire a new assassin on short notice.
So I’m fine. I’m probably fine. She’ll send the masked man, and he needs time to catch up.
The next step is bathing, but that sounds too vulnerable. I’ll sleep in my dirt and shower tomorrow. I always feel safer in daylight.
I glance at the wardrobe. Maybe I’ll crack the secret door between us, just to make sure Alaris can hear me if I scream.
I open the wardrobe and push aside the clothes. Sure enough, the back panel has a seam.
I raise my fist, then hesitate. He has enough to worry about. He really shouldn’t have to add my fears to the list the night before we face the emperor.
I lower my hand just as the wardrobe door swings open from the other side. Cool air spills through, carrying the green, mineral scent I’ve come to know so well.
Alaris peers at me, his dark curls hanging in his eyes. “Ah, there you are. I was finishing up some things with Dashol. Did you eat?”
I nod, unable to speak for a moment.
“I assumed we would resume our usual arrangement, since these walls aren’t warded against anything but sound.” He steps aside. “Come sleep in here, if you’d like.”
I swallow hard, relief pounding in time with my heartbeat. “Yes, thank you.”
This offer is saving me from a night spent wide awake, staring at the canopy.
I climb through the wardrobe. The color scheme of this room is a deep cobalt, with blacks and charcoals, plus a few silver and gold touches. The bed stands there like a taunt, and the echo of Vesper’s words makes me flush.
But Alaris is collected as ever. He gestures at the clothes hanging behind me. “These are all options Vesper provided for you to wear to sleep, and tomorrow. You can shower first.”
I nod and grab the first soft dress I can reach, then head toward the bathing room. I scrub myself with the fragrant soaps, all too aware Alaris is on the other side of the door. Not having to worry about the masked man is a gift, but my pulse is picking up for a whole other reason.
I finish as quickly as I can, wring out my hair, and don the blush dress. The surprisingly low-cut dress, with more lace than fabric along the neckline. Vesper.
I keep my hair over my chest as I re-emerge.
“You take the bed,” he says. “Feel free to go to sleep if you’re tired. I’ll shower.”
I nod, my words still getting caught in my throat as he moves past me to the bathing room.
I sit tentatively on the sheets, then lie back on them, their silky feel delightful on clean skin. I turn my face to them.
I wish they smelled like him.
I flip over, internally screaming. Why can’t I get a grip? I’ve been dealing with this attraction, these feelings, for weeks. Months. But I’ve never found myself so overwhelmed. I jump off the bed and stalk back and forth. I’m not going to survive this night with him.
What do curtains really change? Why does being in this room with him tonight feel so different?
Is it just because I’m nervous, now that I know what he is? Or maybe it’s because, deep down, I knew there was one more secret between us. And now he and I are standing before one another as we really are. That final puzzle piece, his powers, his ancient calm and stillness, explained.
Or maybe it’s all Vesper’s fault, for putting these thoughts in my head.
What did Alaris first tell me about her on Somnus, back when they were both strangers to me? That Vesper tends to get her way?
I’m quite sure Vesper didn’t choose this marriage to the sour Lord Folten for herself…
she’s in his house and his province, constrained by his loyalties.
But she’s making the best of it, in big ways and small.
She’s risking her life to stop the wither.
She unabashedly decorated the wing she was allowed to.
And when she needs a disguise to enjoy herself, she enchants one.
It makes me wonder what I could have done differently at the palace, even with all the scrutiny I was under, to make my life feel more like mine.
It makes me wonder what I can do right now to live the life I want.
The water is still running, and any second Alaris is going to come back out. There are no more lies between us. Nothing for me to steal, no excuse or distraction required. Just a squeezing in my chest and this desperate desire to be near him.
He can say no. But the last thing I’m going to do, for all the versions of me that lived and died before, is wait for a better opportunity that will likely never come.
An idea strikes me. I slip into my room to get my travel bag.
I step back through the wardrobe at the exact moment he emerges from the bathing room, toweling his dark waves.
“What do you have there, evil-minded Ly?”
I smile shyly as I hold up the bottle with the purple, green, and gold label. “A wine meant for celebrations.”
His mouth curves in response. “I don’t think that was on Karns’s approved packing list.”
“I know a certain lecherous lord I could blame this on if I was caught with it.” My heart is pounding, but every second that passes I feel more and more sure. “Leave it to the notorious lord of night to bring a bottle of wine on a rescue mission.”
“Expensive wine too.” He takes it and tosses the towel. “What are we celebrating?”
I clear my throat. “Our last night alive, probably. Do we have two cups for a toast?”
“Yes.”
“Then let’s have one.”
I’m not calm, but I’m resolved. I watch the muscles in his forearm work as he uncorks the wine, and the grip of his elegant ringed fingers as he tips the red liquid into clear glass.
I accept mine and perch on the edge of the bed.
He leans against the desk. “What would you like to toast to?”
“To our upcoming wedding,” I say, raising my cup.
He mimics the motion. I take a sip. I lick my lips. The wine really is delicious, with an acidic bite and a little spice on top of rich red berries. When I look up, his eyes are fixed on me.
Does he like seeing me enjoy the wine? Did he bring me foods, and encourage me to reveal my desires, because desiring things is new to him?
I take another small sip. “It’s good,” I say.
His eyes gleam. Obsidian.
I’ve been trying, and failing, to hide how my body has been on fire for him since we met. And despite his account of how indifferent to humanity he used to be, I think he wants me too.
“I know this engagement won’t lead to a wedding…”
It’s still hard to get the words out. He watches me, waiting. With that endless patience of his, he could wait me out forever.
“Even though none of it is real…I want to celebrate tonight like it’s our wedding night.”
His entire frame stills. The shift is small, but I think he’s stopped breathing.
“Sweet Ly,” he says, his voice pitched low. “You can’t possibly mean what I think you mean.”
“Does a wedding night mean something different in Arastos?” I twist the cup in my hands. “You understand I’m not asking for the wedding part.”
“And you can understand why I’m skeptical.” He puts down his wine, eyes glinting dangerously. “I think the only honest request you’ve made, without some trick or other motive, might have been that fur.”
“Aren’t you the one always telling me to ask for what I want? I want this.”
“You’ve lied to me with those words before, Ly.”
“I’m not lying. You know all my secrets now.”
He shakes his head.
I swallow. “If you don’t want to…”
“Don’t you dare say a word to undermine my restraint.” His jaw pops, even as he smiles. “Every night, every second near you, I’m in a fight to the death with better judgment.”
My pulse stutters. “What better judgment?”
“You need me to protect you.” He sighs, running a hand through his hair. “If you regret this, if it complicates things, are you going to want to go back behind the wards with me?”
“I won’t regret it.”
“I’ll still save you, no matter what.” His dark eyes bore into mine. “But I don’t want to cause you any unnecessary pain.”
I stand and lift my chin. “Here is my judgment: I’ve lived plenty of times, but never long enough to have something like this.” It’s a vulnerable admission, but I’m past caring. “I want a new memory. Something that is just for me, just because I wanted it. And I do. Want you.”
For a moment, he says nothing. He just looks at me. Then he stands, the movement precise, controlled.
And crosses to the bed.
The air shifts.
His pulsing presence floods the room. It’s electric. I feel every nerve, aware of every inch of space between us. A cool bramble scent washes over me. I don’t move, or even breathe, as he comes closer. His strength and beauty are overwhelming.
“And what about me?” he murmurs. He takes the wine out of my hand and sets it on the bedside table. He hooks a finger under my chin, lifting my gaze to his. “When you’ve had your fun, and this is just another memory for you?”
“There don’t need to be any promises between us. We’ll deal with after, after.”
“Oh, Ly. There is no after for me.” He runs his fingers through my hair, resting his hand on the back of my neck. “It turns out I’m terrible at saying no to you, and now you’re going to have to suffer the consequences.”