Chapter 7 #3
She laughs. “I cannot believe I’m getting married in a week.”
“Nervous?”
“A little.”
“There’s still time to call it off.”
“Shut up.” She nudges my shoulder. “I’m nervous, but also really excited. It’s weird.”
“Pretty sure that’s exactly what the passengers of the Titanic felt when they were boarding.”
“Jesus, Holly.”
“Kidding. But just know that if you’re having second thoughts and want to back out, I’m totally on your side. I’ll bring a getaway car and everything.”
“You don’t know how to drive.”
“It’s the thought that counts.”
She stares at me and a second later, both of us burst out laughing. There is a calmness in my chest, a feeling of coming home. April has this way of making everyone around her feel safe and loved. She’s sunshine in human form. I’m not.
She’s the golden child. More likable.
I’m a storm cloud. Stumbling through life, searching for a place to belong.
I wonder what would happen if April ever came to know the truth about me. About the things I do when I’m not working. What would happen if she came to know about my unsavory hobbies? Would we still be this close? I doubt it. A dead weight sinks into my stomach.
The thought of losing April goes through me like a bullet. Is this what Audrey meant earlier? The concept of being not okay?
Two weeks after I lost Aanya, I contemplated going down the same road. I thought that if she was gone, and I was gone, then somehow, we’d finally end up together. All I had to do was cut. Cut, I told myself. CUT!
But I wasn’t brave enough.
I didn’t — couldn’t do it. I thought about how I felt when I found Aanya’s body sprawled across her bathroom floor.
The deep cut on her arm. Her long brown hair and her vacant eyes.
Her limp fingers grasping the bloody note.
Up until that day, I thought I knew what the word “grief” meant, but I was wrong.
Every day after that became ten times more difficult for me.
Everything I did drained me out. Eating.
Cooking. Studying. I couldn’t concentrate on anything for more than a few minutes.
I went to therapy. It worked for a while.
It helped me find my problems. But imagine knowing your problems and still feeling helpless to solve them.
I became constantly angry and full of hate.
I tried to fake kindness, a little sweetness.
I’ve even tried to mirror how April behaves with most people since she’s always been liked by everyone, but all it ever did was leave me exhausted by the end of it.
For years, all I felt was emptiness.
And then I ended up killing someone outside Cami’s bar three years ago and everything started to get a little better.
I try not to think about what led up to it and the pain is still there, but at least I know how to numb it from time to time now. Like using a sedative. Not happy. Not sad. Just neutral.
In Audrey’s words, “not okay.”
I’m resilient like that.
April is not.
If I had ended up taking my own life all those years ago, I know for a fact that she wouldn’t have survived losing me.
She might be my older sister, but I’ve always been the one who’s had to look out for her.
I couldn’t do that to her. I couldn’t leave her all alone.
No matter how much I wanted to. Are there times when I wish I was just as important to someone?
Yes. I know it’s selfish to even think like this, but I wish Aanya would have thought twice before leaving me all alone.
Everyone I love has someone they love even more.
I have never been anyone’s first choice.
People matter to me, but I don’t matter to anyone.
I’ve never been the most important thing to another person.
Not to Aanya. Not to my sister. Not even to myself.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cursed. Maybe I’m not meant for this. Friends. People. And maybe that’s okay. Eventually, we all end up alone, right? I just have a head start, that’s all.
The doorbell rings.
I flinch, disoriented.
April says something and my gaze, locked in a daze, remains fixed on her, uncomprehending. “Hello? Earth to Holly?” She snaps her fingers in front of my face, jolting me back to reality, her voice flowing through my ears like jelly.
I blink, the room coming back into focus. I clear my throat. “What…what did you say?” My voice sounds rusty, disused.
April’s brow furrows. “The door, Holly.”
“The door?”
“Yes. The doorbell just rang.”
The loud heartbeat in my ears reminds me of where I am. I glance towards the bedroom door that opens into the hallway. The doorbell. Right. I shake my head, a hand running through my hair in frustration. “Yeah um, no. Absolutely not. I don’t want anyone to see me in this dress.”
“People are going to see you in this dress at my wedding anyway. Think of it as practice.”
“Why can’t you get the door?”
“Because it’s going to take me a while to change out of this. Please?”
“What if it’s Parker? Aren’t you scared I might hurt him for making fun of me?” Which given what I’m wearing, won’t really be his fault, but I’ll still enjoy cutting him a little.
“It’s not Parker. I’d never risk trying on my wedding dress if he was at home.”
“Why not?”
“Because he can’t see me like this before the wedding. It’s bad luck.”
“That’s an outdated and misogynistic tradition.
And what do you mean he’s not at home? Where is he?
” I know he’s not at work. Parker works as a stunt double and April is a celebrity publicist. Both of their work schedules can get pretty unpredictable, which is why they’ve taken this whole week off for wedding prep.
The bell rings again.
“He’s taken Dog to KittyCon,” April says, growing impatient. “Now can you please go open the door?”
“What the fuck is KittyCon?”
“Holly!”
“Fine,” I grumble. “But if it’s your fiancé on the other side of that door and if he laughs at me, I won’t be held responsible for my actions.”
April ignores me and I drag my feet out of her room. The doorbell rings again.
“Coming!” Jesus. I reach for the doorknob and pull it open, immediately wanting to slam it shut again.
Thick black hair, chiseled cheekbones sloping down to a square jaw and deep blue eyes staring right into mine.
“Theo?”