Gus #2
‘I only meant’—she shifted onto her elbow and looked at him—'it’s nothing to do with you. I just don’t orgasm with anyone and so if that’s like, your end goal , I don’t want you to feel disappointed, in me, or yourself, or– it makes me feel pressurised so…’
He propped himself up so that he could look directly into her eyes, her breast being in his sightline was not helping his concentration anyway.
‘I don’t want you to feel under pressure,’ he said kissing the top of her nose.
‘But I cannot, in all conscience, let that shoddy performance of mine, which lasted all of four seconds, be your only memory of our time in bed– I mean that would really be poor form. I couldn’t live with myself. ’
‘Oh, I’m very happy to have sex again,’ she said conversationally.
‘I’d love to. If you’re asking. Obviously if you’d rather not then that’s fine too.
It was just, I didn’t want you to be beavering away on some thankless task.
I don’t want to have to fake it just to make you feel better.
I’m a hopeless actress and it always feels so dishonest. I want to be honest with you– right from the start. ’
‘ Beavering away. Jesus, Violet, you are hilarious.’ He shook his head, laughing gently.
‘Okay, we need to get to the bottom of this.’ He addressed her seriously now.
‘Who on earth gave you the idea that a) there had to be an end goal and b) that touching you and making you feel good was a thankless task?’
She shrugged and looked uncomfortable. ‘Well, nobody’s said anything specific, other than my first boyfriend who thought I might be frigid, and to be fair, he might be right…
’ She saw the expression on his face. ‘Oh, God, I’ve said the wrong thing, haven’t I?
Maybe I should have faked it.’ She sighed and flopped back onto her back.
‘I just wanted it to be different. With you.’
Gus rolled towards her, tilting her cheek so she was looking at him again.
‘Violet,’ he said earnestly. ‘You are definitely not frigid. Being frigid isn’t even a thing , it’s not a medical problem or a clinical symptom– it’s a word dreamed up by men to make women feel bad about not wanting to have sex with them.
Come on, you’re a scientist, you know this. ’
She looked thoughtful and a little sad. ‘Well, yes but there are conditions where women can’t orgasm easily,’ she said. ‘Vaginismus for one– that’s thought to affect up to seventeen per cent of women worldwide every year. And there are plenty of endocrine problems that cause low libido.’
‘Low libido’ he spluttered, interrupting her.
‘Jesus, if you call what just happened an example of low libido then I cannot begin to imagine what you’re like when you’re properly fired up.
’ She laughed and he pulled her back onto her side so that she lay facing him.
The thought crossed his mind that this had to be one of the very strangest postcoital conversations he’d ever had.
‘I didn’t mean for it to be a big deal,’ she said, her grey eyes reflecting the lamplight from over his shoulder. ‘I really, really enjoyed having sex with you.’ She looked shy for a moment. ‘I don’t think I’ve ever wanted anything so badly– so suddenly.’
‘If by “suddenly” you meant “brief and extremely fast”, then I’m happy to have delivered,’ he said wryly.
‘Look, if you’d rather not talk about this then that’s fine.
I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. But on the other hand, there’s some weird shit going on in your head around male motivation and priorities in the bedroom.
We’re maybe not quite as cerebral as you’re giving us credit for– I don’t know many blokes who have an “end goal” when it comes to sex, other than the obvious one of just having sex.
It’s possible you are in danger of overthinking this.
’ He gave her a stern look and she laughed.
‘A common problem,’ she said. ‘I bet you overthink things too without realising.’
He considered the brief internal monologue immediately prior to kissing her. ‘Yes,’ he conceded, I probably do.’
They lay together in the glow of the lamp for a few moments and then Violet’s tummy rumbled loudly.
‘Oh,’ she said. ‘Sorry.’
Gus sat up in bed. ‘I’m starving,’ he announced.
‘Let’s eat. We can address this issue later.
’ He looked at his watch. ‘Without wishing to draw attention yet again to the brevity of that encounter it’s not even half five yet.
We’ve got almost three hours to kill before we’re in for the handover meeting.
’ He turned to her. ‘And I can think of plenty to keep us occupied in that time.’
‘Okay,’ she said, stretching languorously like a cat as she rose from the mattress.
Gus regarded her body with renewed astonishment, doubtful that this beautifully complex creature could really be in his bed.
He recalled her expression when she’d asked him to kiss her.
The reckless desire, a glimpse of the fiery passion behind that cooler veneer.
He wanted to see it again. He wanted to see that expression on her face every moment of every day spent in his company.