23. Kamryn
“I’d like to propose a toast to my best friend Kamryn for finishing an amazing fashion week. And for finishing up her work on her upcoming spring and fall lines. Kam, we are so proud of you. You set your mind to something and got what you wanted. Congrats, Kammy.” Sarah toasts to our group. We all clink glasses and I send a wink to her.
One blessed thing that came out of college was my solid friendship and sisterhood with Sarah. She has seen me at my lowest and me at my highest. She’s never one to judge me for my decisions. She was there for me when I thought I had no one. She helped me when no one else bothered to. I owe her more than just my undying friendship. I owe her my life.
We chat through dinner and traipse down memory lane. We plan what bars and clubs to hit, while praying this night doesn’t end in disaster.
The night is still young. We start at a restaurant I was recommended to by a few of my employees and make our way up the strip to the other bars. The girls said they wanted to celebrate all my hard work on the line, but I know what they’re playing at. They’re trying to get me to let loose and completely move on. To forget about the things that I said and did that cost me Liam. To forget the things I said that take me back to that time in place. Where I disappear and become a lesser version of myself.
After two more glasses of champagne and some too sweet shots, we make our way down the strip to a few of the bars. We flirt with college guys whose egos don’t know when they’re fighting above their weight class. Emily challenges Sarah to get two numbers before we get to the dance club. The overachiever in her gets three numbers and causes us to break out in laughter. After an over dramatic goodbye to the bar, we make our way to one of the best dance clubs in the area.
This dance club opened about a year ago and it’s grown exponentially. Their marketing team has had visitors from all over the states. It’s a place where you can be free to be yourself. As rare as it is, celebrities will make an appearance or two here. But this club is mainly for those that are looking for a place to forget about the long work week.
When the bouncer sees us walking up, he waves us on through. The groans of displeasure from those waiting in line are hard to ignore. But it’s all about who you know that grants you direct access.
“Thanks Frankie!” We all shout as we walk past him.
We walk down the dark hallway that leads to the club. The DJ is playing an awesome set and the beat flows through my body. I scan the area in hopes of finding an empty section when the owner walks up to us.
“Mike, how are you?” I greet the owner with a hug and a kiss on the cheek.
I knew Mike from back in high school. He was a couple years ahead of me, but we still ran in the same circle. Coincidentally he played football too and was an offensive lineman. Played at PennU up until his sophomore year and was forced to stop playing after breaking his leg and tearing his ACL. I felt terrible for him. He was always my favorite teddy bear. His talent on the field was unmatched and I knew he was destined for the NFL. We kept in touch and always made it a point to get dinner when I was home from college. Except for those unfortunate summers when I locked myself away from the world.
When I found out we lived in the same city, I reached out to him. With both of us being business owners, we make it a point to host events together. Networking is key to keeping your business in the mouths of those that can never seem to shut them. I have dinner with him and his wife once a month. They give me a sense of normalcy in a world that’s not so normal.
“Staying busy as always. Congrats on the last show.” He says as he wraps his arm around my shoulder.
“Thank you,” I reply in earnest.
“I’ve been meaning to ask how you’ve been. I know we haven’t seen each other in a while, but I wanted to make sure you were okay.” Mike says as he leads us to our roped off section.
The anniversary of Liam’s death is coming up. It’s a date I usually spiral. But I’m hoping that’s not the case this year. My coping mechanisms are better. Therapy has given me a lot of tools that I now use on a daily basis.
“You know…” I start as I lean into him. “It hasn’t been easy. I’m trying not to focus on what’s coming up. But it’s hard.” I end on a shrug.
Mike pulls me in for a hug and places a kiss to the top of my head. “Well for what it’s worth, I think you’re doing great kiddo.”
I squeeze him before letting go. “Thank you.”
Mike makes a point to tell us this section is ours for the night and that our drinks are on the house. We all loudly protest, but him having the most gracious heart in the world refuses to take our money.
Jax pops the top on the bottle of Dom Periogn that has been icing and hands out the flutes.
“To an amazing night. To all of the dancing our feet can take. To friendship. And to no regrets,” Jax promises.
Our waitress comes over to get our drink orders and supply us with water. My gaze takes in the energy of the club as the DJ plays a mix that has the beat flowing through our bodies as we dance in our roped off section. When our new drinks are dropped off at the table, we down the shots and then chase them with something stronger. I’m officially at the buzzed level of the night.
Sarah is the one that gets us out of our small bubble. She leads us to a somewhat open section on the dance floor. Laughter is drowned out by the music. People are dancing all around us with not a care in the world. And after the busy year I’ve had I use it to my advantage. Doing my best to forget about work and upcoming meetings. I close my eyes and let the music wash over me.
I startle as hands land on my waist when the DJ switches to a song that has a heavier beat. Tentatively, the stranger molds our bodies to each other. It’s not dirty or romantic. It’s almost platonic in a sense. Well, as platonic as grinding in a club can be. I’ve never been one for dancing with a stranger in the club, but nothing some innocent dancing can’t solve. My mind goes back to the trashy reality TV shows I would watch when strangers would hookup in clubs. Do people still do that? Why am I entertaining it?
My eyes close as the DJ switches up the mood by playing Chase Rice’s Ride. A sultry and sexy cover of the original. Our fast grinding goes from frantic to sensual. Chase Rice sings about riding all night. Our bodies roll and gyrate. Our hands crossed across my torso. My head falls back against his shoulder as his head falls into the crook of my neck. Soon he brings one of my hands up to curl around his neck to anchor us from head to toe. It’s almost as if we’re the only two to exist.
I scold myself that it’s only dancing. That he’s a random guy. But as hard as I try to wrap my mind around that I’ll never see this guy again, my mind tricks me into thinking I will.
As soon as the song ends, my mystery dance partner says, “You wanna go get a drink?” I nod my head and grab his hand as he leads us off the dance floor. I turn to my girls and make a drink motion to let them know where I’m going. I get a thumbs up and an inappropriate hand gesture from Sarah that has me barking out a short laugh and shaking my head at her antics.
As we make our way to the bar all I can think is that this man is tall. Like just about 6’5” to my 5 5. His body looks like that of a professional athlete with his hair shaved in a nice fade and the curls that are just slowly growing out on top. His brown skin complements what I’ve seen of him so far…if only I could see his face. It seems he doesn’t drip money obnoxiously like other guys I’ve come across, but he most definitely isn’t a cheapskate. It’s one of my many talents as a designer. Singling the fakes from the real ones. And he most definitely is a real one.
When we get up to the bar he pulls me to stand in front of him so that he’s caging me in. The bartender sees us and asks us what to drink. “I’ll take a whiskey sour, please.”
I note his watch. Which is a top of the line Rolex with his wrists and forearms adorned with tattoos. I can’t make them out fully in the dim club lighting, but I see the streaks of black that’s inked his skin.
“And I’ll take a Jameson and ginger ale,” Is what I think I hear but the music drowns out his response.
Not a bad choice in a drink either. The bartender nods to our orders and we thank him.
“So…” I start and turn around to look at the mystery guy. My eyes bulge out of my face. I’m almost convinced I’m seeing things. “Mason?!!!” I screech.
Time ceases to stop. And not in a way that a first kiss seems to always do. But in a face-the-reality stop. In the seeing of the person that broke you for the first time in years, time stops.
Over the sound of the club music, I distinctly hear the bartender put our drinks down behind me. In a haste I break free from the cage his arms created and I walk away from the bar without grabbing my drink.
Mason and I...well we know how that story unfolded. It was, he was, all-consuming in a way that I never knew could be.
He knew what he had to do. But he waited for months to do it. His cowardice broke us. And then no apology. Not even a glance back. Not even a phone call later on to make sure that I was okay.
To say that I was devastated and that I guarded my heart behind a ten-foot brick and steel wall would be an understatement. Am I over it? Am I over the hurt that he caused? I thought I was. I moved on. But seeing him brings that pain right back to the surface.
“Kamryn, wait!” Mason yells.
Realization that we’re in a crowded club rushes back to me. I stop to compose myself, when I should just keep walking. I turn around and look at him with annoyance all over my face. He holds my drink out to me and I reluctantly take it.
“May we go somewhere and talk? Please? I have some things that I need to say to you.” Mason says in a rush.
This is what I’ve been waiting for. A chance for me to get years worth of hurt off of my chest. A chance for him to say what he needs to say. What he should’ve said years ago.
I raise a perfectly plucked eyebrow and hold my arm out as a gesture for him to lead the way. Mason leads us outside to an isolated area of the rooftop area of the club and motions for me to sit on a bench as he sits next to me. I take a sip of my whiskey sour and wait for him to explain.
“First I want to say how sorry I am about Liam.”
Not how I thought he would start this. My armor slips a little before I lock it down. But of course he heard about Liam. You couldn’t escape the news of his passing. Our universitys Facebook page did a memorial post to him and ESPN reported on him for days. Looking at Mason from the corner of my eye, I nod. “Thank you.”
He roughly runs a hand down his face before getting back to explaining himself to me. “This is hard. I imagined the day I would see you, I just never assumed it would be this soon.” He blows out a breath while I wait for what he’s about to drop at my feet. “Okay. Here it goes. I never should’ve let my coach dictate my personal life. I never should have walked away from you.”
It’s like the sudden stopping of a record. The unmistakable and horrendous scratch before nothing but silence is all that greets me. Of everything I thought he would say, I didn’t think he would say this.
“That year, my main focus was finishing up my final year of football and being with you. While football is still my focus, having to choose between a sport I love and the then love of my life was never a choice I should have had to make. I was terrified because the threat of having a career ripped from my grasp was a high probability. On top of finding love in college, it was the last thing that I expected to do. But as soon as I saw you I was hooked. At the time and all I could think about was you. It didn’t matter if I didn’t know your name. It didn’t matter if we had absolutely nothing in common. All that mattered to me was how I saw you take control of the room you were in. That was the moment that I just wanted to know you. I wanted to experience the warmth that you radiated to other students.”
I remember the day that he’s talking about perfectly. How I hadn’t noticed him before that baffles me. If he had come up and talked to me that day, I don’t think Liam and I would’ve continued to explore our friendship on an intimate level. But the hurt when Mason left would’ve stung even deeper because I would have been able to love him for longer.
“Do you remember that week after the party?”
I nod. How could I forget? We talked for hours.
“It was that Monday. I remember it clearly. Do you?”
“Of course I do.” My throat is tight with emotion so my response comes out whispered.
“Us running into each other was not an accident. When I saw you walk past the athletics building, I ran to the other end just to make sure I didnt miss you. As you know, that’s when we collided. Kamryn I was enamored by you. Your determination and beauty kept drawing me more and more into you. School had barely been in for a month and I was already so gone for you. When I wanted something, I went after it. Just like you did. And I wanted you so bad Kam. Football was becoming second place and my coaches and parents weren’t happy with me. I told myself I was just having an off week. But when it lasted longer than a week as you and I started getting more serious, that’s when they knew it was time for me to walk away. They gave me a warning. But that’s when you pushed me to get back to focusing.”
That time he’s talking with the love we shared is hazy at best. I’ve lived what felt like a thousand lives since he and I were together. The time he’s talking about with the kisses we snuck and the moments we just existed together. I briefly remember that time telling him to hangout with his team. To be the leader that his team needed to be successful. Early on I knew that in order for our relationship to work, we needed to try and not let other people slip away. As much as I loved having him to myself I also knew he needed to be present for his team.
“When I was forced to walk away from you the year of the draft it wasn’t because I didn’t love you. I was so in love with you that I couldn’t breathe without you around. After my first three years in the league I had everything that I wanted. I was getting to play a sport that I love, my friends and family were unbelievably proud of me. Yet the one thing that was missing was you. I didn’t have the one person that supported me behind closed doors to share it with. It’s been seven years since and nothing has been the same. This game means absolutely nothing to me if I don’t get to share it with the one person that makes my world complete. That person has been you since I was twenty-one years old.”
When he finishes, my eyes are filled with tears that are begging to fall as I struggle to catch my breath. So I hit him back with a question. One that I stayed up all night wondering.
“Why didn’t you call me?” I hate myself for my voice breaking. “Those last few months were hell for me.”
It’s the one thing I always wondered. How he could go from being my everything to being nothing at all.
He shakes his head before answering. “You have no idea the effort it took to not barge into the sorority house and beg for you back. With the way I ended things that night, I just thought you’d be better off. I thought you’d be the warrior that I always knew that you were, and you’d just move on.”
“There was no “just moving on from you”, Mason. I was broken. You broke me. I wasn’t the same after you. And the fact that the whole campus had a front row seat into my heartbreak was the cherry on top of the fucking cake.” The tears that I fought to keep from falling lost that battle. Gently streaming down my face and making me feel weaker and weaker as each tear falls.
“I know. I have no other answer to give you. Other than that, I am so terribly sorry. I didn’t want that for you.” He pleads with me.
Here goes nothing...and everything. “Loving you, the way that I did was so easy. Mason, you were so easy for me to love. So for you to break me the way that you did…for so long I thought I was the problem. I ran through our entire relationship trying to pinpoint when it all shifted. And for the longest time I thought of what I would say to you. But every time I thought of the words to make you feel even an inkling of what I felt, it would send me into another spiral. I did everything to try and fix myself. I did everything.”
He nods his head. “I understand.”
“No you don’t, not even a little bit. My junior year of school, I shut everyone out. I was absolutely broken. I kept making mistake after mistake. I hid behind school. I hid behind alcohol. I hid behind this fear that I wasn’t good enough until I came to some weird epiphany that I’d go nowhere in life if I continued on this path.” I take a deep breath to continue. Talking about the boy I loved to the boy I’ll always love…well the universe never prepares you for that.
“It was the summer of my senior year, where the fight I had put up for the past year was bone deep and exhausting. I was so tired. So I stopped fighting. I accepted the change as it came. That’s where Liam comes into the picture. We were at that back to school party at the baseball house. He came up to me and said everything that I needed to hear. But by the end of those four years together, I realized that it was never what he wanted. At least not as badly as I did. He said those words because it’s what I wanted. My words…the way I treated him.” I bite my bottom lip to hold back the sob that threatens my next breath. “For so long I blamed myself for his death.” Tears continue to slip down my face as I voice the words I’ve only said to my therapist.
I’m grateful that Mason doesn’t attempt to placate me. Because no matter the gesture or the words, no one can assuage my guilt over what happened. I’ve been told that it’s not my fault. And very deep down I know that. I wasn’t the one that made him get into his truck. I wasn’t the one that made him crash his truck. Deep down I know this. But convincing my brain and my heart to get on the same path is a difficult road.
“When he died two years ago, I didn’t know how I would or if I could pick up the pieces of my broken heart again. How does someone move on when their guilt and actions are constantly thrown in their face? Because most people don’t experience love and loss as hard as I have all before thirty, but I did. Most people don’t have to live with the words they said and the words they never said on repeat.”
The words I wished I’d said to Liam play on a loop when the silence creeps in. The guilt keeps me up at night when my mind starts to wander. The breathing and mind exercises I’ve been taught only work for a little while. So in the end I let the guilt run its course until sleep takes me.
“For so long I thought of what I would do and say to you if we ever saw each other again. Now that you’re in front of me saying these things, I don’t know what’s right anymore. You say you want me, but I don’t even know what that means. Because I’ve heard that line too many times to believe it. I don’t know how I’m sitting here in front of you after all this time when all I want to do is yell at you. Because all I see when I look at you is that moment on the bridge. That moment that has played on a constant loop in my mind for years.”
My mind flips back to the days I would sketch that moment on the bridge. I drew it so many times I eventually drew it with my eyes closed. I take a deep breath and steady my heart rate. Looking at him absorbing all that I went through…I can’t feel pity for the pain that he caused.
“It took a long while for me to even be happy again. Most days I’m still so far from that feeling before everything in my life crumbled. And here you are, after almost eight years expecting me to just forget the past. And I can’t do that.” I tell him sounding more defeated than I should.
Mason shakes his head. “I don’t want you to forget the past. Doing that would be selfish of me. And with you selfishness is all I know. But you have no idea how many times I wanted to call you. Just to hear your voice. To know that you were doing okay. To know if you moved on. I am glad that you moved on. That’s all I wanted for you. That was my selfishness thinking.”
Mason was always an eloquent speaker. On days we would lay around in his room, he would just read to me. I would float away with nothing but the baritone notes of his voice lulling me to sleep.
I could never forget the way he made me feel when we were together. The love difference between him and Liam, were worlds apart. Still, I felt utterly safe while I was in the other’s arms. I would have given the world to be with Mason, but I wouldn’t have gotten the world from Liam. Is that what it’s like to love and be loved?
Loved? Or love?
“Thank you. I would be lying if I said I didn’t want to try again…with you. Because I do. That whole year after that’s all I pictured. You coming back and begging us to just wait a little longer while you got settled was all I wanted. I would’ve waited for you had you asked me to. But soon I realized it wasn’t healthy dwelling on the “what ifs”, I know that now. Because despite everything I went through, you were the one I wanted to experience all of the accomplishments with.” I get carried away and tell him my silly dreams of being part of a power couple. Labeling us that in college was the start. He would be the star QB for the professional team that drafted him. I would end up wherever that would be. But what I know now is that I’d be my own boss.
“I’m not saying one night is going to make up for years of absence. Because it can’t. I’d like to start over as friends to see how that plays out. But if and when things progress, I need you to know that I’m not dating to date. I’m dating for marriage. I’m dating because the person that I’m with is my endgame. They’re not a pit stop to something better. That person is my something better.” A lull in my speech has me looking over his face. Cataloging every shape and curve of his face that’s only gotten more distinguished as he’s gotten older. “Tell me this, in five years from now where do you see yourself?”
“Married. With a kid or two. Maybe three depending on how lucky my wife and I get.” He answers without hesitation. A smile threatening to break free as he tells me his answer like he’s been waiting for someone to ask him that for years.
The chills that slide over my body hearing the words ‘my wife’ coming from his lips has me envisioning it as me.
“Maybe taking a gig on a sports talk show that allows me to work while the kids are at school and my wife is at work. I’d make sure our family understood that celebrating little accomplishments were just as important as celebrating the big accomplishments.”
It wasn’t a fluke. Chills spread through my body again when he says ‘my wife’. Also a tinge of jealousy as I imagine him with someone else. But still that spark of ember threatens to ignite as I still can’t help but feel he’s placing me in the picture. Selfishly that’s all I want even though I just told him we’d start back as friends. Stupidly, I shouldn’t even entertain that notion.
“I see a life outside of football that’s not all-consuming. I won’t lie and say that it’s not you I’m picturing, because it is. It’s been you since I said ‘I love you’, all those years ago Kamryn. And it’ll always be you. I don’t plan to take this second chance for granted. That’s if I get a second chance with you. I want us to fall in love again, Kamryn. I want the endgame with you.”
Fresh tears form at his words. My breath freezes and my head feels as if it’s floating in the clouds. His confession on a silver platter just for me. All I have to do is take it. Yet I hesitate. Remembering the last time he told me he loved me that ended in destruction.
“I’m willing to give this another chance, as friends. I want to cheer you on at your games, because that’s what I did in college. Seeing you succeed was all I wanted. And I want nothing more than to see you in the audience at my shows. I want the life you just painted to be a life with you. But I won’t make this easy for you.”
Removing a brick from that wall around my heart, while not easy, I do feel it’s necessary. Not just because of Mason. But because of me and my family and friends. My heart has been hardened for so long that I don’t know it any other way.
“What do you want from me Kam?” Mason asks me.
I get a flashback to our first true weekend together. “Dates. Quality dates. And then hopefully we go from there.”
A smirk that hasn’t changed in the years past, graces his face. “I’m up for the challenge.”
I hide my growing smile behind my drink and take a sip. “Okay, then. I’ll see you around.”
I’m about to step back into the club when I hear my name called behind me.
“Same number?”
“Yeah. Same number.”
I find the girls when I’m back inside. The DJ popping out hit after hit and the patrons dancing to their hearts content. But my whole world was just shaken. The love of my life came back into my life. Well, I shouldn’t say back into my life. He has to work for it.
Making my way back to our roped off section, I see the girls dancing the night away. I’m hoping they stay on the dancefloor as I try and sort through the last thirty minutes. The last thirty minutes in which my world has shifted. Am I happy to have seen Mason? I hesitate to say yes so firmly. Does the hurt feeling resurface? Yes. Without a doubt, yes.
In all of the romance books I’ve read, there has always been a good ‘on his knees, forgive me’ moment. The moment when the guy, or even the girl realizes they messed up and do everything in their power to win the forgiveness and love back for their person. Sometimes it’s a monstrous gesture and sometimes it’s small things that mean more to the couple than even the reader realizes.