Chapter 2
Edur
A horrible feeling settles in my chest as I wonder what happened to make Lexi run away. I want to pretend that it was something else that caused the reaction, but I know deep down that it was me.
Again. I know I should let it be, especially after how long it took for the hurt to leave after she left school and me behind.
Despite that, I hurry after her, pushing through the crowd of students until I'm out of the dining room, completely abandoning my food so that I can.
I have no idea how I know where to go, but I'm not surprised when I spot a familiar figure huddled against a wall.
Worry worms its way through me, drowning out the echo of the reality I've known for years.
I'm not about to let my mate slip through my fingers for a second time, even if I should.
"Lexi?"
She shakes her head, her dark green hair falling out of the ponytail she's got it in. A vague memory of a panic attack she had right before one of our exams springs to mind, and I realise exactly what's happening.
I crouch down in front of her. "I'm going to touch you, okay?"
She makes a noise that sounds like an affirmation, but is quickly swallowed by her hyperventilating.
"You've got to breathe out," I tell her, rubbing her back with my hand and hoping that it will help her refocus. "Do you remember the time we got ice cream in the middle of winter?"
She doesn't answer, but I don't really expect her to. This is about her focusing on something other than whatever it is that has her panicked.
"We were twelve, and the man thought we were joking when we asked for ice cream because it was forecast to snow. You had bubblegum syrup on yours, which I still think is your biggest flaw..."
A small laugh breaks through the fast breathing, reassuring me that I'm doing the right thing. A little more, and she might be able to regain control completely.
"I made a much more sensible choice and had strawberry sauce on mine." Although I know one of the reasons she always chose bubblegum was that it covered up the taste of dairy-free ice cream for her.
"Not...sensible..."
I smile to myself at the progress. "It didn't snow that day, but it did a few days later. We went sledging and built a snowman with horns and a tail. Or we tried to. Every time we tried to attach the tail, it fell off."
"You should have attached it with magic," she says quietly, her voice raspy, but exactly how I remembered it.
"I thought that was cheating," I admit, moving so that I can sit down beside her with my back against the wall.
"Why would it have been cheating?"
"I couldn't tell you," I admit. "It was pre-teen logic. Feeling better?"
She nods.
"Then, hey."
"Hi." She pushes her hair out of her face, revealing her mesmerising green eyes that swim like the depths of the rivers nixies are supposed to inhabit.
"Long time, no see."
"Yeah. I didn't expect you to be here."
"Same." I take a deep breath. "I've missed you." The feelings are complicated, but that's at the heart of them all.
"Me too." Her voice cracks, but it's probably because of the panic attack.
"So, why did you run away?" I probably shouldn't ask, especially when she's just been so upset, but I need to know the answer.
Lexi swallows hard and looks at her knees instead of at me. "I didn't see you."
"Okay."
She raises an eyebrow. "You believe that?"
"No. But if you don't want to tell me, then I'm not going to push you."
She sighs. "It's complicated."
"The mate bond?" I don't know what makes me say it, but as soon as I do, I know that it's the reason.
Lexi tenses, wrapping her arms around her knees. "Is there any point denying it?"
"You can if you want."
"I can't be your mate, Edur." Her voice cracks as she says the words, making me hurt for us both.
"Why not?"
"You really want to know?" The way she looks at me breaks my heart. Her eyes are full of pain, and it seems as if she's holding onto things that she doesn't necessarily want to share.
I rub a hand over my face, trying to think of the right way to respond. I want her to know that she can trust me, especially when I want more than anything to be with her despite the time apart, but I also don't want her to be uncomfortable.
"Maybe we can work up to it?" I suggest instead. "When did you realise we were potential mates?"
"The day I went home sick from school and never came back."
I blink a few times. "You left because you realised we were mates?" I know that isn't what she said, but it's the crux of it.
She nods and looks down at her knees again.
"I know I have my flaws, but that stings a little." I try to make it sound like a joke, but it doesn't manage to cover up the hurt.
She shakes her head. "It's not you, it's me," she says quickly.
"I find that hard to believe. But I guess everything that happened makes a lot more sense now.
I thought..." I trail off, not sure how much I can admit to her.
"I thought I'd done something really wrong.
We went from spending almost every day together to you being gone.
For years. I know we used the mirrors to message a few times, but that was it.
" Pain lances through me, but I push it aside for now.
"I'm sorry," she whispers.
"But if you realised we were mates, and that freaked you out, then I guess it makes more sense."
"I'm really sorry, Edur."
I sigh. "I know." I don't know how I know, but I do.
"When did you realise?"
"The same time you did," I respond.
"Why didn't you say anything?"
"Because you didn't seem to have the same response to me, and I wasn't about to make you uncomfortable." I'm starting to think that I made a mistake in not doing that.
She bites her bottom lip.
"So, here we are," I say. "A few years later, and if anything, I think the mate has gotten stronger."
"Me too," she whispers.
"But you don't want to do anything about it?" I ask.
She takes a deep breath, and for a moment, I think she's going to tell me no and just disappear on me. But she doesn't move, and thankfully, none of the other students are paying us any attention. We're lucky that it's lunchtime and most people are focused on getting something to eat.
"I'm asexual," she blurts out.
"Ah." It's not what I expected her to say, and there are implications I don't fully understand, but at least I have an explanation. I just have to figure out what to do with it.
"So, yes. I guess that's why I don't feel like I can be the mate you need me to be," she responds.
I reach out and take her hand in mine, taking us both by surprise, but it feels right to have that contact with her again, like it's something I've been missing for years and finally get to experience again. "I don't think that's the deal breaker you think it is."
"What?"
"If you want to work out the mate bond, and if you want to date, then that's okay. I think we can," I say.
"You want to date me still?"
"I would like to go on a date, yes," I respond. Maybe it's fast, and maybe I should have suggested that we reconnect as friends first, but that's not what slips out.
"And my asexuality isn't a problem?"
"I mean, would we have responded to one another as mates if it wasn't something that we could work out?"
She frowns. "I hadn't thought about it like that."
Relief fills me. Because if she didn't think about that part, then there's a good chance that it can work. "So, what does it mean?"
"That I don't feel sexually attracted to anyone," she responds.
"Oh, yes, I know that. I mean, what does it mean for us to have a potential relationship?" Maybe it's too soon to be asking about that, but I know how I feel. Lexi was my best friend for years, and then the mate reaction made it even clearer that there was something between us.
"I don't know," she says.
"We can have one without sex."
"And how would you feel about that?" She looks at me with so much fear in her eyes that it hurts. I know she isn't scared of me, but I can understand why the situation is scary for her.
"It's hard to say. It's not a problem for the mate bond, and if I know what I'm getting into, then I think we can deal with it." I haven't had a relationship like that before, but I also have never really been serious about anyone either.
"You might think that now, but in a few years, you might not like what the relationship has become."
"Maybe not. But that could also be because you leave the top off the milk, or you eat cheese by the block even though you shouldn't," I respond.
"I'm lactose intolerant," she reminds me.
"Ah, well, that's a far bigger deal breaker," I tease, bumping my shoulder against hers.
"It can't be a deal breaker if you already know about it," she responds, seeming to lighten up a little bit.
"Well, now I know about your asexuality, so it can't be one."
"That's not how it works, Edur." She gives me a look that softens her words, as if she knows there is a chance for something between us.
"True. But there are a lot of ways we can approach this. It depends on how you feel about sex."
She looks at her hands. "A complicated way."
"Maybe we can talk about that after we've been on a date or two?" I suggest. "We can fill each other in on the last few years, and remember why we're friends, and go from there."
For a moment, I think she's going to tell me no, but then she nods.
I let out a sigh of relief. "All right, well, I'm going to need to know how to connect to your mirror. You've changed it, right?"
"I thought it would be easier for both of us if we weren't still messaging," she mutters.
"I gathered."
"It was selfish." She looks away from me.
I shrug, she's not wrong, but I don't want to make her feel worse than she already does. "A little bit. But at least I know the reason for it now. That's better than I used to know."
She swallows hard. "I don't think I'd have been ready to date back then anyway."
"Fair enough."
"But I'd like a date now, if we both know what we might be getting into."
"A date it is," I respond, already starting to plan what the perfect date is going to be to convince her that we can have fun together. And we'll figure out the other parts when we're ready, because if there's one thing I know about Lexi, it's that she's worth it.