Chapter 4
Lexi
There's a chill in the wind that reminds me of the upcoming winter, and it tears through my clothes, making me want to rush back inside and forget about coming for a swim, but I know this is going to be good for me.
I need to clear my head, especially because I need to think about Edur and what it's going to mean for the two of us to go on a date together.
A huge part of me wants to go. We used to have so much fun together until I ran away.
Getting that back would bring so much joy back into my life.
And then there's the mate bond that I can feel tugging me towards him.
Or maybe it's just giving a name to feelings I already had, but didn't want to face.
All of that is complicated by the reality though.
He might say that he's okay if we have a relationship without sex, but is that going to be true in a few weeks? A few months? Years?
I'm not even sure that I want that. I have no desire for sex, and I've not had the best experiences with it.
But when I hear my friends talk about the intimacy and connection it brings, I find myself thinking that I might like to.
Maybe that's something I can have with Edur.
Though trying it and then saying never again is also an issue.
Tears prick at the corners of my eyes, but I blink them away. Now isn't the time.
I arrive at one of the changing stations and slip inside the cubicle by the side of the moat surrounding the academy.
I don't know exactly how they made it happen, but the current runs as if it's a river, but it's restricted to the space surrounding the castle, removing a lot of the dangers that come from swimming in open water.
I press my hand against the magical lock, turning the light on the outside from green to red so that anyone else approaching will know that this changing station is taken.
I strip off my clothes and put them in one of the lockers along with my other belongings, leaving me naked save for my necklace.
I reach up and touch it, running my fingers over the snowflake charm where it rests next to the water plant.
Edur might have been out of my life, but he's never been out of my thoughts.
Maybe the fact he bought the charms for me should have been some kind of indication that we were more than just friends beneath it all, even if neither of us had felt the mate bond yet.
Though I suppose that is what they say about mating bonds, sometimes, it can take people a while to put the right name to it, and then one day, everything slips into place.
But all of that is immaterial, because now we both know that we both felt it, and there's no going back from that. We can choose to ignore it if we want to, but we can't unknow it.
Once I've put everything in the locker, I pull out the key and slip the attached band around my wrist before hitting the magical lock on the other side of the changing cubicle.
This one starts a timer so that I can get into the water before the cubicle unlocks and can be used by someone else.
Not that many people are going to be coming down to the water on a day like this.
The wind is even colder now I'm not wearing anything, and I have to force myself to take it slowly over the rocks that lead down to the moat.
The last thing I want is to slip and hurt myself.
It would be mortifying enough as it is, considering I'm a nixie and should be used to rocky shores, the fact I'm naked is another level to that.
It's a relief when I get to the edge of the water and slowly dip my toes into it. Magic tingles through my veins in response, and I have to hold it at bay until the water has reached my waist. Any lower and I'll just fall over when my legs become a tail.
The moment I let the magic take over feels like letting out a breath.
The release is immediate, and the changes take place so quickly that it might as well be instant.
My legs fuse together, and the fins on my arms and legs unfold.
They're there all the time, but the water does something to them that makes them more useful for swimming.
And even though I'm not under the water yet, I can feel my gills preparing for me to be.
I take a deep breath despite the fact I don't need to and dive down beneath the surface, revelling in how it feels to have the water brush against me.
It's no longer cold, the transformation from being in the water also does something to keep me from freezing.
Though I suspect it's in part because I'm also moving.
I lose track of time as I weave my way through the darkness of the water, my eyesight adjusting easily to the gloom.
I pause as I catch sight of something grey-ish blue moving towards me, and there's a brief hint of fear while I worry that it's some kind of predator, even if I know that isn't possible in Rosewood's moat.
As they come closer, I recognise features that make me relax, and my best friend Marnie appears within taking distance, her light blue hair drifting in the waves behind her.
Despite both of us being creatures of the water, there were a lot of clear differences between us, most notably that she's blue where I'm green, and she has scales as opposed to my fins that are meant to resemble some kind of underwater weed.
"I didn't expect you here," she says, her words vibrating through the water between us. I'm not exactly sure how it works, but a lot of us are able to communicate this way if we're underwater beings.
"I needed a swim," I respond.
"Mmm, I know the feeling. But I thought you had your date tonight."
I grimace. "Tomorrow."
"Okay, so why don't you look happy about that?" she asks.
I let out a sigh, causing bubbles to float past my face and to the surface. "It's complicated."
"Complicated is the kind of thing a swim is for," she responds. "So, tell me?" She gestures for the two of us to continue through the water.
There is something soothing about getting to swim at the same time as processing my thoughts. "You know I'm ace, right?" I check, glad that I thought to actually tell my flatmate about it at some point so it's not a surprise to her now that I want to talk about something related to it.
"You mentioned it," she responds.
"I suppose I'm worried about that."
"Hmm, okay, understandable. Does he know? What's his name again?"
"Edur." I have to say his name slowly, as it isn't a usual word to be said under the water.
She turns to swim on her back so she can look at me, a curious expression on her face. "The frost elf?"
I nod. "Do you know him?"
"He's in my Healing class."
"Makes sense. He always said that he wanted to be a healer." I smile at the idea that he gets to see that through.
"Does he know you're ace?"
"Yeah, I told him." Though I'm starting to think that might have been the wrong thing to do.
Marnie raises an eyebrow. "And he actually knows what it means?"
I shrug, even as I use my arms to keep myself travelling in the right direction. "I have no reason to think that he doesn't." From what he's said already, I have to assume that he does.
"Then I don't think you have anything to worry about."
"It wouldn't be the first time someone's said they understood and then decided to try and fix me when they didn't get what they wanted," I murmur, thinking back to my last disastrous attempt at a relationship.
A large silver fish swims between us, so used to the merfolk of the academy being in the moat that it doesn't even respond.
"That sucks," Marnie says.
"It does suck," I agree.
She turns so she doesn't run into a large rock sticking out of the side of the moat, and I follow her, not wanting to hurt myself either. "Do you want to be in a relationship?"
"Yes." If we were on land, it would be a whisper, but there's no real concealing any of my words while we're underwater.
Her dark blue tail flicks, catching another fish that's swimming by, minding its own business. I'm sure I do that myself sometimes, it's one of the hazards of being underwater.
"If you want it, then you're going to have to risk getting hurt," she says. "He might not really understand, but he also might get it. The only way you're going to find out is if you talk to him about it."
More bubbles escape from me as I sigh. "I suppose so."
"I know it's probably terrifying..."
"No probably about it." And it's even worse because of the reality of the word mate that's been bouncing around my mind.
This isn't just any relationship we're talking about, it's one that could last. I suppose to some extent, Edur is right.
If we weren't compatible, then the mate bond wouldn't be reacting when we're close to one another.
It's not the only thing that's needed for a good relationship, but it should be a good indication that there could be one.
Marnie turns around in the water, circling her hands to keep herself in one position. "There's something else, isn't there?"
"What makes you say that?"
"I might have only known you for a couple of months, but the look on your face says it all."
"I get a mate reaction to Edur. The same as I did before."
"Before?" she prompts.
I sigh and manoeuvre myself to a rock pointing out of the moatbed.
I perch on it, folding my quasi-tail under me like I would my knees.
Though technically, my knees are still there, they're just fused together into some kind of tail-leg hybrid.
"We met when I was eleven. I didn't get a mate response to him until we were eighteen, but I did get one.
I...ran away. I didn't want to deal with it or ruin our friendship, so I persuaded my parents to let me move schools for the rest of the year. "
Marnie raises an eyebrow as she comes over to join me on the rock. "You wanted to protect your friendship by abandoning it for three years?"
I groan and close my eyes. "I know, I made a mistake."
"I would say so," she agrees. "And he's still willing to date you?"
I nod.
"Then I think you owe it to yourself to go, and to have fun. If you can feel a mate bond, and he's saying that he understands what it means that you're ace, then it could be good. And if it's not, I can lure him to the depths with my voice."
I laugh. "You know I can do that myself, right?"
"You'll be sad, so I'm offering to do it for you," she responds.
"I appreciate that." I smile, feeling a little better than I did before.
"Good, because that's what friends are for. I'm sure you'll help me when I find myself in a romantic pickle."
I laugh. "But you have it all together."
"But knowing my luck, I'm going to find out someone's my mate, and then discover that they don't want that. Or worse, that their favourite snack was pickled herring. Can you imagine kissing someone when they've just been eating it?"
"I don't think I'd care, I like pickled herring."
"Then I feel sorry for Edur. If kissing is something you want to do with him."
"I think so. I like kissing. And I enjoy other parts of intimacy. I think."
"Well then, I doubt he's going to have any problems," she responds. "And if he does, then you know my plan."
No matter what happens tomorrow, I don't think I have any plans to let Marnie sing Edur to the depths of the moat, but at least I know it's an offer if things do go badly.
Not that I really think that they will. While there's a part of me that's worried about what's going to happen when we start talking about sex, there's another part of me that knows Edur wouldn't do anything to hurt me.
I just have to trust that part and not let the scared part of me ruin things all over again.