Chapter 10
Edur
I have no idea what to expect of the coming conversation, especially because I have no idea exactly what's going on in Lexi's mind.
And I've never had a conversation like this.
It's important that I get this right. I don't want to ruin my chances at building something with her, but I also know that there's a chance we could discover that it's not possible for us to have a relationship.
My heart squeezes even at the thought. Ever since she told me she was ace, I've been trying to figure out what that might mean for us, and I know that this conversation and finding out what it means to her is going to be key to that.
I try to keep my thoughts in check as I split the pasta bake into two portions and carry the bowls over to the table where Lexi is currently waiting for me.
Lexi's green skin is so pale that I think she might be sick, and I feel awful for it. I don't want her to be uncomfortable at all, especially not because of me.
I set the two bowls of pasta down, and take the seat opposite her.
"Are your flatmates not going to want to use the kitchen?" she asks nervously, looking at the door as if expecting one of them to walk through the door at any moment.
I shake my head. "They're out at a party."
"Right. Thank you for making dinner." She picks up her fork and sticks it into the pasta to get herself some. From her expression, she's not really paying attention to anything.
"Do you just want to skip to the chase?" I ask.
"Yeah, that might be best. I'm sorry, this is...not a normal conversation for me."
"I don't think I've ever had one like this either," I admit. "But that's not a reason to avoid it."
"True." She takes a deep breath. "So, sex. There, I said it."
I chuckle. "Was that a problem?"
"Not really. I've just been thinking about it a lot since I saw you in the dining hall, and exactly what it might mean for me. It's strange to have it on my mind as much as I have."
"Maybe we can take it off your mind a bit more after today. I don't expect anything."
"I'm sure you believe that, but what about in five years' time?" She manages to eat some of her pasta, but I'm not sure how much she tastes it when I can barely register any of mine.
"I don't know," I admit. I want to tell her that this is never going to be a problem for us, but I don't actually know if that's true. The situation is definitely a lot more nuanced than that.
"All right, well, the truth is good."
"Is it?"
She shrugs. "We can work with that." She eats a bit more of her pasta. "And it's not like everything is off the table."
I raise an eyebrow. "It's not?"
She shakes her head. "I enjoy orgasms."
"Who doesn't?"
She laughs. "There are some people. But I'm not one of them."
I try everything I can not to think about how she might have found out that she enjoys coming. "All right, so if you enjoy that part, is it something you prefer to do alone, or..."
"I can be with someone." She looks down at her plate.
I clear my throat. "Okay. So, erm, I'm sorry, my mind is all over the place."
A small smile lifts at the corner of her lips, not quite amused, but it isn't unamused either. "I can guess where your mind is," she responds.
"I'm trying to keep it off there," I admit. "It's hard."
"I bet it is."
I snort. "Innuendo?"
"I can still enjoy making jokes about it, even if I don't desire to have sex," she points out.
I frown, trying to work out what feels off about the way she phrased that.
"What?" Her eyes widen, and I can already see her trying to work out what she's doing wrong.
"You said desire," I say. "I was wondering about that."
"Mmhmm. It's different from saying that I don't want to have sex. I can want to have sex for reasons that aren't desire, so I don't want to misrepresent what I'm saying by using the wrong words. Though I'm sure I'm going to do that at some point."
I reach across the table and take her hand in mine. "Even if you say the wrong thing, that's okay. We'll figure it out. So you don't desire sex?" I ask, using her words.
She swallows hard, completely ignoring her food now.
"Yes. Erm, I'm not really sure what the best way to say this is," she says slowly.
"So I don't think about sex as sex very much.
Not in a way that turns me on. And when we kiss, it's nice, and I enjoy it, but it's not causing the same kind of reaction in me that it does in you. "
I nod. "Okay." I search for the right question to ask, but don't really find one.
"But I am open to having sex. But I don't know how I'm going to feel about it.
I've not had the best experiences in the past, and I'm a little worried that I'm going to try it but not like it again, and then where will that leave us?
" She looks up and meets my gaze, and I can see the pain in her eyes.
"I don't know," I admit.
She clears her throat. "How often do you want sex?"
"I've never thought about it," I admit.
"What about with your exes?"
I think back over the few and fleeting relationships I've had over the years. After I discovered that Lexi was my mate, none of them lasted longer than a few months. Even before that, I didn't have anything particularly serious with anyone. "I guess we were having sex once a week or so," I respond.
"And was that enough for you?"
"Maybe."
She gives a nervous laugh. "Reassuring that you don't know yourself."
"I don't have any specifics to tell you," I respond. "If I did, then I would. But I know that I never felt annoyed about the amount of sex I was having with any of my exes, in either direction. And I've never been interested in one night stands."
She nods. "Okay, that's good to know."
"But I do get turned on. Like when you kissed me."
She touches her lips. "I didn't intend to do that."
"I know. And it wasn't a problem. We didn't plan the kiss, and neither of us knew how we'd react."
"So, you don't want me to kiss you like that again?" she asks.
I grimace. "I don't know. I like it, a lot. But it could be a little frustrating if you leave me like that all the time. But sometimes? I don't think it would be a problem. Unless you have a problem with me dealing with it myself?"
She shakes her head. "No, I don't. Did you?"
I swallow hard. "Yes."
"Was it...good?"
I close my eyes and try not to think about it too hard. "Yes."
"That's good." She picks up her fork and starts to eat some of her pasta again, which I think means that she's not feeling too uncomfortable.
I clear my throat. "So, did you change the topic of conversation onto me so that you could avoid carrying on with what you want?"
"Not on purpose," she admits. "But this is the first time I've talked about it, so I think I'm just nervous."
"Do you want me to ask questions, or do you want to talk first?"
"I can talk." She bites her bottom lip, which only draws my attention to it. "So I would like to try having sex with you. I think it's hard to say how I feel about things without really knowing what it's like. I've not had great experiences in the past."
"Not even your exes?" I remember her dating a couple of people when we were at school, though sex was the one thing we didn't talk about, now I'm starting to realise why.
"No. I was still figuring things out when I was with Ethan, and thought it was just inexperience that made me dislike what we were doing."
"I remember him. At the time, you said that he was pushy." It was before I'd recognised the mate bond between us, but even then, I'd wanted to protect her when he made her cry.
"He was. But I didn't realise what was wrong until much later."
"Nothing is wrong," I assure her quickly. "It's just different."
"Maybe. But it felt like something was wrong. Like I wasn't wired the same way as everyone else."
"You might be different. But that's not a bad thing. What about when you were with Natasha?" I ask, able to see on her face that she doesn't want to dwell on the idea of anything being different about her.
"Natasha ended things when I wanted to take things slow."
I blink a few times, never having realised, even if I was around when they broke up. "I never knew that." I should have paid better attention while all of this was going on, maybe then she wouldn't have felt the need to run away when she discovered that we were mates.
"I didn't want to admit it to you," she says quietly. "I thought that saying it out loud would mean that you'd ask questions I didn't have answers to. Or maybe that you'd give me answers that I wasn't ready to hear."
"Like?"
"That I was ace. Or that I didn't like sex. I don't really know. It seems so foolish now, because if I'd said something at the time, maybe I wouldn't have messed things up with you when I ran away."
"Maybe. Or I might have said the wrong thing, as sixteen-year-olds are prone to do," I attempt to joke.
She cracks a small smile, but I can still say tell that she's nervous.
"I'm sorry. I had no idea you felt like that." And I hate it. I hate even the mere idea that she had to go through part of her life with no idea whether people were going to understand her.
"In hindsight, I should have just said the words out loud. But I didn't."
"Things are different now."
"Yes. I know who I am. Or as well as anyone can know who they are at twenty-one."
"Fair point," I respond.
"It feels good to talk about it. Awkward, but good."
"I know what you mean. And we're going to keep talking about it, Lex." I take her hand more firmly in mine.
"Thank you." She reaches out and touches my face, trailing her hand down my cheek. "So I'm guessing that you'd like to...do something at some point."
I clear my throat. "If you want to."
"I think so," she responds. "I mean, it's about being close to you, and I want to do that. I also don't want to kill our relationship before it's even started."
"You're not going to kill it," I assure her.
"Maybe not. But I'd still like to try."
I nod. "All right, then we should."
"Later this week?" she suggests. "We could have dinner, and then... do something."
"If you're comfortable with that."
"I am." She smiles at me in a way that convinces me that she means it.
I reach across the table and take her hand in mine. "Maybe we can do another non-sex date first," I say. "I want you to know that sex isn't why I want to spend time with you."
"I know it isn't," she assures me. "Thank you for listening to me."
"Thank you for trusting me," I say back to her, glad that she feels safe enough, even if I know that this is probably not going to be the last of these conversations that we have to have.