Chapter 8
San Luis Obispo, California
“Crap,” said Ben, hanging his head. “I totally forgot about a condom.” Giving Ella an apologetic look, he added, “I got too caught up in the moment. I did not even think about it. I was just jumping in to wash up. But seeing you, I lost control. I am so sorry.”
Ella just looked at him, trying to process what he was saying.
When she did not respond, Ben said, “Ella, say something.”
Instead of answering him, Ella nose-dived into her own personal hell where all she could think about was they had sex without protection. The phrase “no protection” ricocheted through her mind.
No protection.
No protection.
No protection.
It was an ugly chant that she could not stop.
Ben started rapid-firing questions at Ella about when her period was due and if this was a safe time.
Ella just stared at him. She tried to remember when her last period was.
Two weeks? Three? Maybe? Given that she had been as regular as a clock, she never worried much about it.
It came when it came. When one is not having sex, being late is like a blessing.
Now the thought of being even one day late, much less pregnant, made her stomach flip.
She had to swallow hard to keep from throwing up a little bit in the back of her throat.
Unable to think standing so close to Ben in the confined space of the shower and worried she might actually throw up if she did not get out immediately, Ella pulled back the shower curtain to get out.
Ben grabbed her arm to stop her. “Where are you going?” he demanded. “We need to talk about this. Is this something we need to be worried about? Just so you know, you are the only girl I have ever been with without a condom.”
Ben’s tone was serious, waiting for Ella to respond as water droplets rained down his face.
With tears filling her eyes, Ella held back from shouting the first thought that popped into her mind, which was, “Well, good. At least I don’t have to worry about getting an STD along with an unwanted pregnancy.
” Instead, she quietly replied, “Honestly, I don’t know if this is something we need to worry about.
How would I know? I have never been in this situation before. ”
“You think I have?” shot back Ben. “Look, I did not mean that. I am just a little freaked out here.”
“I totally get it. I am not doing so great myself.” Hot water continued to pour down on Ella as she tried desperately to remain calm. All she wanted to do was throw on her clothes and get as far away from the shower and hotel room as possible. She was so out of her depth here.
Knowing he had been a jerk, Ben took Ella’s face in his hands.
“I am so sorry. I shouldn’t have snapped at you.
I don’t know what came over me. This is all my fault.
I should have brought a condom into the shower with me.
I wasn’t thinking. I have never lost control like that before. Please forgive me. I am so sorry.”
Ella did not pull away, but Ben could plainly see the look of fear in her tear-filled eyes. This whole situation had freaked her out too. Trying to find a way to make things better, Ben said, “Let’s take a beat and think about this before we both lose it completely.”
Shaking her head, Ella tried to make sense of the gravity of the moment. Suddenly, the weekend and all that had happened felt really heavy. Pulling away from Ben, Ella stepped out of the shower, needing space.
Ben tried to grab her arm to stop her a second time, but Ella shrugged him off. “I am ready to get out. I am hungry.”
Once Ella was out, she quickly dressed as recriminations assaulted her mind.
All of her life, she had been taught that sex outside of marriage was bad.
The nuns never used the word karma. Instead, they buried them in condemnation and consequences.
Every good Catholic girl knew that sex outside of marriage meant pregnancy.
It was beaten into them. Ella had thought she was too smart for that to happen to her.
As a first born, Ella had been raised to take care of herself.
She had learned to depend on her own abilities and not to rely on others.
It was how she maintained control, how she had made something of her life, and how she was going to secure her future.
At this moment, Ella felt scared. All her worst fears were bouncing around in her head.
She needed to regain some semblance of control, and to do that, she needed her computer and time to think.
Ella searched for pregnancy odds with and without a condom on her laptop. She discovered that based on the last day of her period, she had low odds of getting pregnant. Or at least on the day she thought was the last day. In the future, she would definitely be writing all that down.
Through Ella’s internet search, she learned that even using condoms was only between 87 and 98 percent effective.
She realized she should have done this research before having sex.
Suddenly, she wished she had waited until next month when she was set to get her IUD.
At the least, she should have stopped Ben in the moment.
She felt anger and rage driven by fear. She wanted to yell and scream and throw a fit.
Ella was still stewing in her meltdown and taking her anger out on her long, wet, tangled hair when Ben walked back into the bedroom. With a towel slung low on his hips, he made his way over to where she was.
Wrapping Ella in his arms, Ben could literally feel her distancing herself from him.
Gone was his beautiful, carefree, uninhibited Ella.
Now a wall stood between them. Burying his face in her neck, he said softly, “I know you are mad at me. Hell, I am mad at myself. But whatever happens, we are in this together. I love you. You know that.”
Ella let him hold her for a moment longer, then jerked herself free.
She suddenly felt very unsure of herself and them as a couple.
The thought that their time together could have lifelong repercussions had her reeling.
She needed a few minutes to figure out her next steps.
She had always been able to think her way out of sticky situations, and this was the stickiest she had ever found herself in.
Ben could feel the anger rolling off Ella. Sighing deeply, he asked, “Ella, help me here. I have said I am sorry. What else do you want me to do?”
“Do? I don’t want you to do anything. I think you have done quite enough,” snapped Ella. “And what do you mean by ‘deal with it together’? Abortion, adoption, having it? What?”
Ben threw his hands in the air and said, “Gesh, Ella, I don’t know. I haven’t really thought it through.”
By his tone, Ella could tell he was as worried as she was. “Well, I haven’t either. But I do know I wish I had not come here this weekend. If I hadn’t, none of this would have happened. I should have just stayed at Eliza’s and never...”
“Never what, Ella?” asked Ben. “Never trusted me? Been with me? Told me you loved me? What is it you wish you had never done?”
“I don’t know, okay? I am just scared.” At that, Ella broke down crying and collapsed into a heap on the floor.
Seeing Ella cry and knowing he caused it destroyed Ben. Dropping down next to her, he said softly, “Ella, baby. I am so sorry. This is all my fault. Please don’t cry. I am sorry. I am so, so sorry. I can’t stand to watch you hurting like this. Tell me what to do. How can I make it better?”
Ella continued to sob for several minutes, then through her tears she managed to say, “I am sorry. This is just everything the nuns pounded into me my whole life. I am really scared. A baby would totally destroy my future. Surely, you understand that. I have dreamed of finishing my master’s and then coming back to Napa to work.
None of that can happen with a baby. The thought that all my dreams could be gone in an instant is just too much for me to handle. ”
Ben nodded his understanding, “I totally get that. Please know that whatever happens, I will always be here for you.”
Ben’s words seemed to mollify Ella a bit, and after a few more minutes, she managed to stop crying. Wiping her tears, she shrugged. “Wow. This is a lot. Isn’t it?”
Nodding, still holding Ella close, Ben replied, “Yeah, but whatever happens, we are in this together.”
Ella thought about that and hoped it was true. At the end of the day, they had only known each other a short time.
Knowing that sitting on the floor of their hotel room worrying about something they could at that moment do nothing about was a waste of time.
Ben kissed Ella’s forehead softly and said, “How about we go get breakfast and agree not to worry any more about this until we actually have something to worry about?”
Wiping the last of the tears from her eyes, Ella agreed.
Over the next few hours, they grabbed some breakfast and took a long walk on the beach.
Ben held Ella’s hand the whole time, but he could not shake the feeling that something had shifted in their relationship.
Before she had been totally open and free with him.
Now she seemed guarded and more reserved.
Ben tried several times to engage Ella and draw her back to him, but she gave only one-word answers—if she answered at all.
After a while, Ben gave up trying. They spent most of the rest of the day in silence, watching the waves roll in.
Ella did not want to ignore Ben, but all she could focus on was how much she did not want to have a baby.
In fact, a baby was the very last thing in the world she wanted.
Of course, she wanted to be a mom, but not for years, only after grad school and then after she had established herself in her career.
Then she would think about those things.
She had her whole future in front of her. A baby would derail her entire life.
At that time, Ella seriously considered getting the morning after pill.
To her knowledge her mother had never used any birth control.
She was a staunch Catholic, who always said she would have all the children God wanted to give her.
Ella had always assumed she would do the same when the time came.
So that was giving her pause. When she had researched her chances of getting pregnant earlier, she had learned how the morning after pill worked.
While technically it did not terminate a pregnancy, it did prevent one from developing.
Ella believed life began at conception. After much thought, she decided that it was not for her.
If God wanted her to have a baby, she would have a baby. She just prayed He did not.
Around 3:00, Ella’s ride called and asked what time she wanted to head back. Usually, she pushed it as late as possible. Today, she wanted to be home and told him that she was ready when he was. Her friend said he would be there shortly.
Normally, Ella hated saying goodbye to Ben, but today, she could not get away from him fast enough.
When Ben reached over to give her a kiss on the lips, she instantly turned her head.
Ben jerked back and gave her a hurt look but said nothing.
Then he kissed her softly on the forehead and asked her to call when she got home.
Ella nodded but said nothing as she quickly got into the car.
As the car drove away, Ben stood watching, saddened by Ella’s distance but clueless how to fix the situation. He knew time would either heal the gap between them or blow it wide open. The thought of losing Ella filled him with an emptiness he had never experienced before.