CHAPTER 26
Victor was kept more than busy the next few days, between boarders moving out and moving in, a water pump that stopped working, a fallen tree knocking down a fence that resulted in several horses escaping, and now Sprout had decided to colic, which required an emergency visit from the vet and several hours spent walking him in circles around the barn until he was willing to nibble at grass, which went late into the night.
Victor told Hannah to go to bed, then set up a lawn chair outside of Sprout’s stall and checked on him every fifteen minutes, waiting for him to poop so that he could be assured Sprout would make it through the night.
He had nearly fallen asleep in his chair when he heard a whistle that had him jerking awake and looking frantically around for the source.
“What are you doing here?” Victor asked Johnny’s unmistakably lanky silhouette at the end of the barn. “Isn’t it midnight?”
Johnny stepped further into the barn and out of the shadow of the night. “‘Fraid to say it’s another one of those situations where I either drive here or to the bar. I tried knockin’ at the house but all I got were the dogs barkin’ at me. Then I saw the lights were on down here.”
“Ah. Well, you caught me at a very glamorous time. I’m waiting for a horse to take a shit.”
“Oh?”
“He’s colicking. Or he was. I think he might be over it, but I want to make sure he poops before I go to bed.”
Johnny’s long strides had him at Victor’s side in no time. He leaned over and pressed his face to the bars, looking into the stall at Sprout. “Damn, he’s just a lil guy.”
“One of my lesson ponies. Picked him up at the same auction where I bought Midnight.”
“I’m glad he seems to be doin’ better.”
“Yeah, me too. The vet put a nasogastric tube in him with some mineral oils and laxatives, so I’m waiting for that all to make its way out.”
“Fun. Mind if I join ya?”
“Pull up a bale.” Victor gestured toward a hay bale a few stall doors over.
Johnny grabbed hold of the twine binding and lifted it one-handed like it was as light as a backpack, then tossed it down at Victor’s side and collapsed onto it.
He opened his thighs and stretched his long legs out, slumping down against the stall wall behind them.
“So. What made you want to drink this time?” Victor asked softly.
“I watched that movie.”
“What movie?”
“Brokeback Mountain.”
“Oh, right. The one Sarah told you to watch.” Victor paused. “Does she know you’re bisexual?”
“I dunno. We haven’t talked about it.”
“I think she knows, man.”
Johnny laughed. “Yeah, I guess there’s a reason she invited me to that rodeo, huh?”
“I doubt she’d ask you to go with her if she thought you were straight.”
Johnny snorted forcefully through his nostrils like a horse.
“Never doubt a woman’s intuition.” He rubbed his hands on his thighs for a second.
“I think Daisy suspected, too. Sometimes she’d make lil jokes about how I didn’t act like a straight man should.
But maybe she was just startin’ shit to get me goin’. I don’t know.”
Once again Victor was reminded of why he did not like or trust Daisy, no matter how nice she acted toward him. She seemed like a schemer, and knowing how trusting Johnny could be, Victor could see how got him so tightly wrapped around her finger.
“How’d you like the movie?” Victor asked, figuring he should change the subject.
“My ass cried for two hours afterward.”
“Wow.”
“I wouldn’t normally tell anyone this but I figured you might understand.”
“I haven’t watched in a long time, but I can see why you’d relate.”
“God, that shit…” Johnny rubbed at his face with a hand. “That movie killed me. And at the end when Ennis is all by himself but he’s got Jack’s shirt… Christ, I felt that too much. Sometimes I had to pause it cuz it felt too real. Ain’t no movie that’s felt like that to me.”
“It has a pretty depressing ending.”
Johnny’s body was practically vibrating with pent up energy.
“Yeah. But that’s how things were, you know?
It’s how they still are. These people who live in these big cities, they don’t know how it is out here.
Feels like livin’ in Soviet Russia or somethin’, always watchin’ your back, wonderin’ who will figure you out and what fuckin’ redneck with a gun might kill you.
It fucks with your head. It’s why I never wanted anythin’ more but quick hook-ups, nothin’ else felt worth it.
Best to just stick to women, you know what I mean?
But life ain’t always so convenient. Sometimes you feel a certain way about a certain somebody and you don’t know what’s scarier, goin’ for it or decidin’ not to.
In the end, after all Ennis did to pretend he was someone he wasn’t and do everything society told him to, he got nothin’ but Jack’s shirt.
” Johnny shook his head. “Felt like some kind of cautionary tale if you ask me.”
“Should have called me.”
“Why?”
“Don’t get to hear you cry that often,” Victor half-joked.
“Yeah, well.” Johnny looked away. “I was taught not to.”
Johnny’s affable mask slipped just enough that Victor could see the agony stuffed behind it.
On top of all the work Johnny did to seem as heterosexual as possible, the act had to wear on him.
One thing Victor learned the more he was accepted into masculine spaces was that manliness was just as much of a theater performance as femininity was—just with murkier rules and harsher penalties.
Victor wondered what Johnny would be like if he’d never been forced and beaten into little box he’d been given at birth.
In that way, Victor could relate. Maybe his assigned box hadn’t come with violence, but freeing himself from it had him feeling like a pent-up horse finally released into a pasture.
“I got to thinkin’ about what you said back at my house,” Johnny continued.
“How you decided to be yourself even if it fucked you over in other ways. If Ennis had just run off with Jack, maybe it woulda turned out differently. Or maybe they both woulda been killed.” Johnny’s knee was jiggling.
“Ain’t no way to know. That’s the risk you take. ”
“Ah yes, Johnny Stearns, infamously averse to risk-taking.”
Johnny chuckled, shaking his head. “Honestly, I’d rather ride a thousand of the meanest buckin’ stock before dealin’ with this coming out business. I guess that makes you braver than me, huh?”
“Bravery isn’t something you’re born with. It’s a skill like anything else. I was terrified when I started my transition, and some of that terror was justified. But it did get easier, even though the world didn’t change. The first step is the hardest. After that, you learn to deal.”
Johnny nodded, throat bobbing as he stared hard at the empty stalls across from them.
Sitting this close, Victor could see the few spots Johnny had missed shaving.
Hunger began bubbling up in his gut. He reached out and squeezed Johnny’s shoulder in what he hoped was a comforting gesture.
When he saw Johnny’s expression harden, he started to pull away, figuring Johnny was about to tell him off.
Instead, Johnny clutched him behind the neck and drew him into a dry, bruising kiss that shocked Victor enough to freeze him for a moment.
It took a dodging maneuver to end the contact, and when Johnny tried to follow him, Victor grabbed a fistful of his shirt to keep him at an arm’s length.
“My terms,” Victor forced out, already breathless.
“These got-damn terms,” Johnny grumbled. “I’ll agree to whatever you want if I get to fuck you.”
Victor frowned. “What the hell does that mean?”
“I mean—shit. Vic. Can we just fuck? I’m tired of talkin’.” Johnny leaned in again, but Victor strengthened his grip on Johnny’s shirt.
“Say it,” Victor said firmly.
“Say what?” Johnny let out another snorty breath before his eyes truly met Victor’s and he realized how serious Victor was. “Fine. Alright. You want me to say it, I’ll say it. Do you wanna… I mean… is it okay if we… shit.” Johnny sighed and slumped. “You know I ain’t good at talkin’…”
“Bullshit. You never shut up.”
“I’ll be your boyfriend,” Johnny blurted out, face now so pink he looked like he might be suffocating. “There. I said it. Happy? Since you’re so—”
Victor cut him off by rocketing out of his chair and onto Johnny’s lap.
Johnny had the sort of reflexes that won him belt buckles, so in an instant his arms were around Victor, grabbing handfuls of his coat and forcing him so close that Victor swore he could feel Johnny’s heart beating through his heavy flannel shirt.
The force of Johnny’s kiss was bruising enough to knock the breath from Victor’s lungs.
This felt so much better than a stolen moment in a horse trailer, because now there were no more secrets—and no more reasons to hold back.
Victor grasped a fistful of Johnny’s hair and tugged his head back so he could get his mouth on one of those spots on his neck that he’d missed shaving.
Johnny let out an undignified groan and coasted both hands over Victor’s thighs until they settled on his ass.
As much as Victor liked foreplay, he’d spent far too long daydreaming about this sort of thing to waste much time on it.
He yanked back and fought to remove his coat as Johnny fumbled with the zipper on his jeans.
The first coherent thought trickled into Victor’s brain as Johnny’s fingers started sliding past the rim of his briefs.
“Condom,” Victor said, because a full sentence required too much processing power.
“Huh?” Johnny wasn’t paying attention, still trying to get his hand into Victor’s underwear. Victor grabbed his wrist to draw his mind away from the task.
“Do you have a condom?”
“Don’t need a condom,” Johnny muttered. “I haven’t fucked anyone but Daisy in like eight months and I used protec—”
“We need a condom. I’m not on birth control.”