CHAPTER 34 #3
Victor glanced at the clock on his nightstand, which was still blinking because of the power outage. So Victor had to look at his phone instead. “Guess another 20 minutes won’t hurt.”
Johnny hopped into the bed, then scooted up next to Victor. They laid side by side for a contemplative movement before Victor turned to look at Johnny’s profile. “How are you feeling?”
Johnny shrugged, which seemed like an understatement. “Tryin’ to avoid thinkin’ about it too much.”
“You gonna go out to your house today and look around a bit more?”
“Guess I should do that. Also gotta call insurance and all that.” Johnny’s face twisted with a flash of dread before he faced Victor. “Do we have to talk about it?”
“No. We can just lie here.”
So that’s what they did for a few minutes, until Johnny shifted and pulled himself toward Victor.
Victor didn’t know what he had planned until he dropped his head onto Victor’s stomach and curled into a ball facing Victor’s feet.
Without delay, Victor reached down and ran a hand over Johnny’s forehead and through his hair like he might pet a cat.
Like a cat, Victor didn’t know how long Johnny was going to let himself be touched like this without pulling away. So Victor enjoyed it while he could.
“Vic?” came Johnny’s voice after a while, small and uncertain.
“Hmm?”
“Sorry about everything.”
“You’re going to have to elaborate.”
“Sorry for runnin’ out. For being a disappointment.” Johnny pressed his cheek deeper into Victor’s stomach until it slightly muffled his words. “I never know what to do with a good thing in my life.”
Victor didn’t respond immediately, just kept petting Johnny until he cycled through what he wanted to say. “Why are you so afraid of disappointing me?”
Johnny didn’t answer right away, though the question made his body tighten like a string. In response, Victor slipped his fingers out of Johnny’s hair and across the tense muscles in the back of his neck and shoulders, a silent way of requesting relaxation.
“I disappoint everyone,” Johnny finally replied.
“And then what? They leave you?”
“If they can, yeah.”
“Do you think I’ll leave you?”
“I’ve given you every reason to.”
“And yet where am I?”
Johnny sighed and sat up, turning to face Victor. “You can’t be patient with me forever.”
“No. But if you’re afraid of driving me away, maybe you shouldn’t purposely try to make it happen.”
“It’s different when I make a decision versus it just happenin’ naturally. It’s like…” Johnny’s face tightened with thought. “It feels better to have control of a thing than just lettin’ it play out.”
Victor reached out to touch Johnny’s wrist, thumb sweeping through the blond hairs on the side of his hand. “I’m going to make up a metaphor that might resonate if you hear me out.”
“What metaphor?”
“When you ride a bucking horse, you let go at eight seconds, right? There’s no point in holding on after that.”
Johnny eyed him suspiciously. “Not really.”
“Because you’ll fall off eventually.”
“Because they stop judgin’ ya after eight seconds.”
“But what if the objective was to hold on as long as you possibly could? Like, what if the objective wasn’t to ride the craziest horse for eight seconds but to buck out a horse you wanted to train to ride?”
“What the hell are you even talkin’ about?”
“I’m saying that you’re letting go because you’re trying to get the most out of a short ride. But if you change your priorities, you can change the ride. Maybe the objective with me isn’t to ride hard and fast and then fuck off. Maybe the objective is to hold on until the horse gets tired.”
“You think I need emotional stuff to be explained to me in rodeo terms to get it?”
Victor snorted, then laughed. “Do you understand what I mean though?”
“Not really.”
“You’re fucking all of this up because you can’t stop thinking about the inevitable end. All you can see is the fall.” Victor slid his hand over Johnny’s wrist. “But you could just enjoy the ride, you know?”
“I’ll fuck up and hurt you.”
“Okay, sure. Maybe you will.”
“I don’t want to do that.”
“You can’t love people without hurting them. That’s just how love is. I’m not going into this blind. I know every ugly thing there is to know about you, more than anyone else. I’ve decided that I’d like to be with you anyway. You don’t get to decide on the risks I take.”
Johnny looked down at Victor’s hand on his wrist, then pulled his arm up so that his fingers could fold through Victor’s.
“What if I can’t stop drinkin’?” Johnny asked, voice a little rough. “What then?”
“That’s for me to figure out.”
“If this goes any further, I can’t…” Johnny sucked in a shaky breath. “I don’t wanna lose you.”
With his free hand, Victor reached out to touch Johnny’s cheek, rough with a two-day beard and pinkened with a touch of sunburn. Johnny leaned into the touch like he craved it, and it made Victor’s stomach flip.
“Then hold onto me, cowboy,” Victor murmured, which got Johnny laughing. Victor interrupted him with a hasty kiss, and afterward they tumbled onto the bed together, lips, arms, and legs entwined, their twenty minute deadline forgotten.