Chapter 22
Chapter Twenty-Two
Knox
“ J ust breathe, asshole,” I say aloud to the empty bedroom at the back of the bus.
I intentionally scheduled my call with Mia for now, knowing there would be a small window when the guys would be busy. The last night in each city, the after-party goes longer than usual.
My laptop sits waiting while I white knuckle the towel around my neck to catch drips of water from my wet hair.
My knee bounces as anxiety builds in my chest, attempting to steal the air from my lungs.
I’ve practiced this conversation in my head a million times.
I know what I want to say. What I need to say, but actually speaking the words when the time comes is a hell of a lot different.
Watching the time on the screen, my finger hovers over her number. The second the time changes to 11:45, I press the touch screen, calling before my fear gets the best of me.
I was shocked Mia replied as quickly as she did, and that she wanted to talk so soon.
She asked if it was okay if Angus was on the call and, of course, I said yes.
I would imagine the knowledge that his big brother has slept with the love of his life has added some tension to their relationship.
If it reassures either of them to have him on the call, it’s fine by me.
It’s awkward, but he’s currently the only father figure in Sawyer’s life and he’s a part of this too. As crazy fucked up as it is.
Still, when the two of them appear on my screen, it’s like a dagger to my heart. Not because I want Mia. But because he’s there and I’m not.
“Hey,” I barely get out before clearing my throat.
Mia waves her hand and Angus says, “How ya doin’, brother?”
“Good... good... how are you two?”
“All good, Knox,” Gus replies.
Mia remains quiet.
There’s an awkward moment of silence as fear practically radiates off Mia. She’s scared shitless. I clearly need to put her mind at ease.
“Mia, thanks for agreeing to talk to me. I haven’t exactly handled things in a way that I’m proud of and because of that, I first want to tell you how deeply sorry I am. Second, I want to assure you I’m not calling to take him away from you.”
Her shoulders relax while her hand holding my brother’s tightens before she finally speaks.
“I appreciate that, but you’re not the only one who’s sorry.
Knox, I did everything wrong. It was awful of me not to tell you that you were going to be a father, and it was cruel not to tell you after he was born.
You’ve lost two and a half years of his life and for that, I am so very sorry.
I need you to believe me when I tell you I thought I was doing the right thing for my son. ”
I’m stunned silent.
Her regret and compassion. Are unexpected. Everything I had prepared has vacated my brain. I’m not sure what I expected. Maybe for her defenses to be up? Maybe for her to give me the cold shoulder? I sure as hell wasn’t ready for her admission of wrongdoing right out of the gate.
“I appreciate it, Mia. But I get it. I wouldn’t want me for?—”
“No!” She stops me before I say anything else.
“It’s not you. It’s what comes along with your life.
I didn’t want my child to grow up with that kind of attention.
You see what happens with famous kids. It’s scary.
But it’s more than that. I was being selfish.
I didn’t want to share him with you. You live so far away, and you can afford the best legal representation.
I knew you’d be able to take him away from me if you wanted to, at least for half the time. And, well, I was scared.”
Whoa.
She’s got quite a list. Albeit, a reasonable list. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. However, I respect that she’s giving me her truth and I need to do the same. But I also have questions.
After taking a beat to get my emotions in check, I speak. “Can we start from the beginning?”
Her mouth opens to speak, but nothing comes out. She looks confused and my brother turns toward her, rubbing her back.
“What do you mean?” she barely gets out in a whisper .
“I want to know everything, Mia. Everything about Sawyer. Everything you’ve been through.
But before we get there, can we start with that night?
I’m embarrassed to say I can only remember flashes.
I know you said you were a willing participant, but I need to make sure I didn’t cross any lines.
I mean, obviously lines were crossed, but I just need to know I wasn’t a complete asshole. ”
It’s clear by my brother’s red cheeks that this topic wasn’t on his bingo card for tonight, but it’s been on my mind.
I need to know.
“It’s okay,” Gus encourages her.
“Be honest. It’s important I know exactly how things went down.
If it helps, I’ll go first. Here’s a truth I’ve never told anyone.
I was a drunk bastard that night because it was one of the biggest nights of my life and I was miserable and alone.
Yes, my family and the band were there, but I was alone.
I was fucking jealous of my bandmates for having the families I knew I would never have. ”
Her eyes well up and a tear slides down her face. She quickly wipes it away. “And I’ve kept you from what you wanted all this time. Can you ever forgive me?”
“Please, Mia. Don’t waste your tears on me. I understand. I just wanted it to be fair. I tell you my secret and you tell me yours. Well, ours.”
Releasing a shaky breath as she swipes at her face again, she begins.
“Were you drunk? Yes. Did you force me to do anything I didn’t want to do?
No. I was a willing participant. You came on strong, but it had been a while and the McKinnon brother I actually wanted had no idea I existed. So, I thought, what the hell? ”
“Babe, we’ve been over this,” my brother says in his defense.
“I know, but at that moment, I didn’t know you had feelings for me.” She pats his knee, and he runs his hands over his short hair. “Anyway, all our clothes stayed on, and it was over before it started. No offense.”
“I’d love to say none taken, but you are vicious, girl.”
“Sorry,” she says through a smile. “You wanted to know.”
“I did.”
“Anyway, within thirty minutes of our encounter...” She holds her fingers up in air quotes when she says, encounter . “You kind of lost it and we all left.”
“Not my proudest moment,” I confess. I don’t remember my tirade, but I’ve been told it wasn’t pretty.
I apparently went off about how the other members of the band were ruining things because they were too concerned about their families and weren’t making the band a priority.
It was a load of bullshit. I behaved like a child.
“Anyway, a month and a half later, I took a pregnancy test. There was nobody else, so I knew it was yours. I freaked out. I was just finishing school, living in California on my own, barely able to afford my apartment. This wasn’t part of my plan.
Not to mention, you were my best friend’s brother.
Regardless, I knew I was keeping the baby.
But then all the things I mentioned before kept me up at night and I decided I would keep your identity to myself.
I didn’t tell my parents, Daisy... nobody.
If I’m keeping it real, if it hadn’t been for things getting serious with Angus, I may have kept it to myself forever.
I’m ashamed to say it, but at the time that’s how I felt. ”
This makes me bristle. But we can’t go backward. Her plan didn’t come to fruition, and we’re starting from scratch today.
“There was no way I could do it on my own. So, after graduation, I turned down the full-time job I had been offered and moved back home to live in my parents’ barndominium. Got a job waiting tables at Gracie’s cafe and was fortunate that my parents were retired and could watch him while I worked.”
“I’m sorry you gave up so much. I would have helped. I hope you know that.”
“I know, Knox. It was my choice. I did a lot of things wrong, and I just hope you can forgive me one day.”
“You’re forgiven.”
A steady stream of fresh tears appear, her body shaking from her sobs.
Her hands cover her face and my brother mouths, “thank you” to me.
All I can do is nod, because what is the other option?
Start drama and lose more time with my kid?
Get lawyers involved? It would be her worst-case scenario becoming a reality.
“Tell me more.”
Mia gains her composure and tells me how she told everyone the father wasn’t interested, and she wouldn’t discuss it further.
She tells me about her 36 hours of labor and how she thought about me when she named him.
She gave him the middle name of Brian. Now it’s my turn to get emotional.
Sniffing, I quickly wipe away a renegade tear.
She gave my son the same middle name that my brothers and I share, which means more to me than she will ever know. We laughed when she said Daisy thought it was her way of naming him after her since her middle name is Brianna .
From there, she shares a bit more about their day-to-day life with her job as a lead medical assistant at a new medical clinic and tells me all the things Sawyer’s into. Like trucks, especially fire trucks, dinosaurs, and Bernadette, my mom’s cow.
I take it all in, trying to burn every detail into my brain. I’ve missed too much of his short life and even though I’ve been in the same room with him many times, I can’t wait to meet him. Like, really meet him.
Angus asks the question I think Mia is afraid to ask. “So, what do you want to do?”
“Well, I want to be in his life, but I don’t want to ruin his life.
I don’t want to mess up the family the three of you are creating.
” My stomach churns even though I mean what I’m saying.
I want Mia and Gus to be happy, and I know my baby brother would be a much better father than I could ever be.
It hurts, and it’s hard, but it’s the truth.
“He’s young and I know he doesn’t really understand everything right now, so if we could start with me spending time with him, that would be great.
We can work on the rest when you’re ready or when you both think he’s ready. ”
“Brother, if you’re going to be a part of his life, you’ll be a part of those decisions, too. He’s your son and I don’t want to take anything away from you. I’m not going anywhere. So, sooner rather than later, we need to come up with a plan that works for everyone.”
Anxiety creeps its way into my central nervous system. A sheen of sweat coats my skin. Ripping the towel still around my neck off, I toss it to the floor, hoping to cool myself.
“I agree. Mia?”
Her voice is barely audible when she replies. “I agree. ”
I check the time on the screen and know my quiet reprieve will end at any moment, and I really don’t want to explain myself just yet. Tonight has left me with a lot to sort through on my own before I share with anyone else.
“Listen, the guys are gonna be back on the bus any minute. But I’ll be home after the tour and plan on staying for a bit. How about we plan some time when I get back to spend with him and we go from there? We don’t have to figure it all out tonight.”
“That sounds perfect.” Mia seems relieved she has weeks before she has to deal with this face to face.
“Thanks for the call, you two. Again, I’m sorry for my initial reaction to the news. I was upset.”
“You had every right to be. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.”
“It is what it is. It’s out there now and we’ll make this work.
We’ll also talk about finances at a later date.
I know you said you don’t want anything from me, and yes, I started the trust for him.
But if you think I am just going to sit back and not contribute to my child’s day-to-day well-being, you will have a fight on your hands.
I won’t take him away from you, but you have to let me help.
Again, a conversation for another day, but one that will be had when I get home in August.”
She nods, because what can she say when I’m promising not to take him away from her?
“Miss you, brother.”
“Miss you too, Gus. Mia, thanks again. You two have a good night.”
“You too,” he replies as Mia wiggles her fingers goodbye.
I close my laptop and stand, finding it hard to believe this is my reality when my phone pings. It’s a message from my brother.
Gus
Sawyer at his first birthday party.
Under the message is a picture of my son in a highchair with a handful of birthday cake.
The kid is fucking perfect.
Gus
You on your first birthday.
Holy shit.
I’m completely dumbfounded. With his second message is a picture of me with blond hair the same color as Sawyer’s, sitting in a highchair with a handful of cake. We look like the same little person. If it weren’t for the fashion, and the picture quality, you would think both photos were of Sawyer.
Happy tears stream over my first genuine smile in weeks, but I don’t bother wiping them away.
I’m a father.
My stomach flips and a jolt of energy races to my heart.
I. Have. A. Son.
Sure, the situation is far from ideal. My brother is more like his dad than I am, and that messes with my head, but we’re gonna work it out. Our conversation may have been one of the hardest of my life, but I feel better.
No longer hopeless.
I’m still a piece of shit, but I may not be a piece of shit stuck to the bottom of someone’s boot.
Nope. Just a regular piece of shit and for right now, I’ll take it.
Knox
Thank you.
Gus
We got this.
I don’t miss that he says we got this. I’m a lucky bastard. If I were to trust my child to be raised by anyone other than myself, Angus or Callen are the only two on my list. Lucky bastard for sure.
Feeling better than I have in ages, I inhale a deep breath, puffing up my chest with just a morsel of confidence making an appearance. Hell, I think I’m gonna be social and grab a beer with the guys.
Still fixated on the photo of Sawyer, I open the bedroom door, and a gasp snags my attention.
You have got to be fucking kidding me.
Deep strokes of red paint my vision.
“Get the fuck off my bus!”