Chapter 45
Chapter Forty-Five
Ryan
“ C heers.” Knox and I tap our plastic wine glasses together and take a sip of the delicious rosé he pulled out of Mabel’s saddle bags.
We’re taking a break from our ride under the shade of a group of Ponderosa Pines on a beautiful Pendleton blanket, eating bread, cheese, blueberries, strawberries and, of course, sipping our chilled wine.
He thought of everything. From my new boots, jeans, and McKinnon ranch T-shirt to the horses being ready and waiting for us when we got to the barn and now our perfect picnic. The evening summer breeze keeps the heat of the day at bay as the sun sets.
There’s nothing like watching the sun setting over the acres of tree-lined rolling hills with the Cascade Mountain Range as our backdrop. It’s the peace and contentment I desperately needed after such an emotional week.
We haven’t talked much, letting the serenity of the ranch sooth our souls while we rode. But as we sit on our blanket, sipping our wine, I can tell there’s something he wants to say. Before I can ask what’s on his mind, he shares what has him so deep in thought.
“I’m gonna see Sawyer tomorrow. And Mia. I’m gonna see Sawyer and Mia tomorrow.”
He seemed nervous to tell me and I’m not sure why.
“That’s great.”
“Yeah?”
“Of course it is. It’s been a long time coming and if you’re here, why wait until after the tour is over? You’ve waited long enough.”
“You don’t care that I’ll be alone with Mia?”
Oh, this man.
“Not at all.”
“I would care.”
“If I was alone with Mia?”
“Hilarious. If you were meeting up with another man. A man you had slept with.”
“Well, it’s a good thing you didn’t sleep with Mia. From what I hear, it was a ninety-second bang in a bathroom.” I wink at him. “Besides, she’s my friend and your son will be there.”
“And you aren’t mad that I won’t be with you? I came here to be with you, but now that I’m here, I can’t not see him. It’s killing me to be this close and not see him.”
“If you felt any different, you wouldn’t be the person I want to spend my life with.”
As soon as the words leave my mouth, I want to shove them back in.
His expression softens and he pulls me onto his lap. “Is that what you want? A life with me?”
“I thought we were talking about Sawyer.”
“Well, if you spend your life with me, he is a part of the package.”
“I think it’s a pretty great package.”
He nuzzles his nose against my neck, and I feel his words against my skin. “I want to spend my life with you too, Ryan.” My heart drops. “Do you know how happy you make me?”
“You make me happy too.” I say the words and I mean them, but I know where this is going. I know what comes next and we can’t go any further without him knowing everything.
Squirming off his lap, I position myself cross-legged in front of him, my knees bouncing.
“Hey, hey. Ry, what’s wrong? What did I say?”
“I… haven’t been completely honest with you.”
He bristles, his brow furrows, and he settles in his seat as he braces himself for what comes next.
“Before we go any further, you deserve to know everything. We can’t go any further until you do.” I’m shaking like a leaf, because this is when I lose him.
“Go on.”
Just rip the band-aid off, Ryan.
“I can’t have children,” I blurt out.
He’s quiet.
“Not like I might have a hard time conceiving, and IVF is an option. I had a full hysterectomy when I was twenty-three. Kids aren’t an option for me.”
“Good thing I’ve already got one, then. ”
“What?” I gasp.
He takes my trembling hands in his. “Did you really think that not being able to carry my child would push me away?”
Yes! Yes, I did!
“Knox, you need to take some time to think about this.”
“Don’t need to.”
“Spend time with Sawyer tomorrow and see if you change your mind. You’ve missed a lot and I can’t give you what you missed with another child.”
“I’m sorry you’ve gone through this,” he says as he brushes his thumb over the tear I had no idea had fallen.
“It’s fine. I never really wanted the whole marriage and kids thing, anyway.”
He’s quiet again.
“I froze my eggs, though. My doctors said I was too young to lose the option of never being a parent, so I followed their advice. So, there’s that.”
“That’s good. You never know. You might change your mind.”
No, you might.
“Come here.” He pulls me back in his lap, kissing my temple. “I’m not going anywhere.”