Chapter 47
Chapter Forty-Seven
Knox
T he truck’s AC is cranked up as high as it will go, but I’m still sweating. Not from the heat of the day though. Because I’m scared shitless. I have been since we walked out of Mom’s house last night.
The entire drive back to the cabin I was in my head.
Before we climbed in the truck, there had been other things to do to keep my brain preoccupied.
But then Mom’s reaction right before we left opened the floodgates of the warring emotions I’d been pushing down deep.
This resulted in a sleepless night. And not because Ryan and I were up screwing all night.
She could tell I was anxious and asked if there was anything she could do.
I assured her there wasn’t, and she didn’t press further.
When we got to the cabin, she showered, and I poured a glass of wine and had it waiting for her when she got out.
She thanked me with a small kiss before heading out to the porch swing while I took my turn in the shower.
When I finished, I joined her in my favorite spot. She cuddled into my side, and we star gazed in silence. I didn’t tell her how scared I was. I didn’t need to. She knew.
As well as she knows me, I’m not sure she would have guessed my nerves had gotten so out of control I nearly threw up in the shower. He’s only two and a half and I’m petrified. What I’m so afraid of I’m not sure, but the fear is all-encompassing.
When we went to bed, she assured me everything would be okay.
Sawyer would love me, and she couldn’t wait for me to come home and tell her all about it.
She also warned me about the terrible twos , urging me not to take it personally if he was grumpy or not into me.
I felt guilty that she had buried her grandfather this morning and here she was taking care of me.
I was supposed to be taking care of her, not the other way around.
She told me I was being silly and reassured me her grandfather was at peace, therefore so was she.
I had taken care of her this afternoon, the way she needed to be taken care of, as unconventional as it was.
Tonight, it was her turn to take care of me.
At that moment professions of my love for her lingered on the tip of my tongue, but it wasn’t the time.
I was emotional and exhausted. Not the state I want to be in when I tell her I love her.
She needs to know no external factors are at play, and my words are sincere.
I was dead serious when I told her I wanted to be everything to her.
Her best friend. Her lover. Her protector.
Instead, we went to bed, and while Ryan slept, I clung to her.
She was the only thing to provide me with an ounce of peace .
I didn’t fall asleep until the sun was rising, as I do too often after years on the road.
Ryan let me sleep in, not waking me until ten with coffee and breakfast. Her calm, quiet presence was reassuring.
As the barn comes into sight, I wish she was sitting next to me, holding my hand and telling me everything will be okay.
But today is something Mia and I need to do alone. No Angus. No Ryan. No Mom. No siblings. Just the two of us and our son.
As always, I’m early, giving myself a fifteen-minute cushion to chill with the horses. The barn is my meditation room. The quiet, the animals, the smell of dust, dirt, and manure ground me. Considering how unsettled I feel, the ranch seemed the safest place.
I put the truck in park and climb out. As I round the hood, my favorite blond approaches, intercepting me on my way to the open barn doors.
“Hey, beautiful.” I scratch her head. “You here for moral support?”
Bernadette, my mom’s highland cow, is just who I needed to see. Bernie is as sweet as they come. She has free rein of the land and seems to always be there when you need her.
As sweet as she is, I walk around her into the barn where it’s cooler.
Using the band around my wrist I pull my hair off my neck then make my way around each stall to say hello to Cal’s horses Mabel and Honey, Angus’s horse, River, a few boarders I’ve never met, and then the three beauties I just purchased.
I didn’t tell Ryan I bought her a horse.
Didn’t tell her I bought one for Sawyer and myself either.
I see where our relationship is heading, but I’m not sure she’s at the buy-her-a-horse stage just yet .
Opening the door to the tack room I’d upgraded for my brothers a few years back, I’m hit by the smell of home. The hit of leather from the saddles, bridles, and reins are pure nostalgia. I never miss being here more than when I’m here.
When I’m actually here, my heart hurts from all the years I’ve missed. The time with family, of course, but also the years of peace. Quiet. Sanctuary.
That sanctuary quakes under the tires of an approaching vehicle. This is it. This is when life as I know it changes. What if he doesn’t take to me?
Damnit! I should have brought him a present. I thought the horses would help entertain him but now meeting him empty-handed seems like a metaphor for the role I’ve played in his life thus far.
Wiping my sweaty hands on my jeans, I inhale deeply through my nose and exhale out of my mouth, before I leave the quiet of the tack room, steeling myself to meet my son.
When I reach the open barn doors, the passenger side door of Angus’ truck is open. But I don’t see my brother. Instead, Mia climbs out of the truck with Sawyer in her arms. He’s wearing a John Deer T-shirt, jeans, and little man cowboy boots.
He’s the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.
Mia closes the door and sees me. Worry crosses her features for the briefest moment, replaced by a smile and a quiet, “Hey.”
“Hey,” I say, lifting a hand.
“Bernie!” Sawyer yells, when he sees the blond cow standing in the shade where I left her. He tries to kick out of his mom’s arms, but she wins the battle.
“You can say hi, but I’m not putting you down.” Sawyer’s hand stretches out, ready to pet the cow as Mia walks toward her. “She’s sweet, but she’s still an animal. I don’t want him to get under her feet or for her to accidentally kick him.”
I nod my head, taking my first note of the day. I’m behind the parenting curve, and plan on soaking up everything I can whenever I can.
Sawyer pats the top of her nose and Bernie leans into him. It’s nice to see how familiar he is with her. I’m sure he sees her often what with the two of them living on the ranch with Angus in his house a half a mile past the barn. There isn’t anywhere better for a kid to grow up than this ranch.
“Come on, let’s go wash your hands.”
He tries to wiggle out of her arms, but she marches him into the tack room to use the sink.
Standing on the opposite side of the island, I watch them work in tandem.
Knowing exactly what his mom wants from him, he sticks his dirty cow hands under the water while Mia douses them in soap.
She dries him off with a clean towel and he says, “Trucks, Mama?”
“In a minute. I want you to meet someone.” She rounds the island, stopping in front of me, her eyes glossy with unshed tears. “Sawyer, this is Knox.”
“Hi, Mox,” he says in his adorable two-year-old voice, holding his hand out for me to shake.
My heart cracks right down the middle. He’s already a little man. His own little person with his own personality.
Taking his tiny hand in mine, my future life flashes before my eyes. There is no doubt I’ll protect this little boy with my life. The half of my heart that doesn’t belong to Ryan is his. “Hi Sawyer, it’s nice to see you again.”
“Mox like trucks? ”
“I do. How about you?”
“Trucks, Mama?”
“Okay, but you have to clean up your mess when you’re done.”
She sets him down and without a second thought, he takes me by the hand to a basket in the corner by the brown leather chair. I didn’t notice it earlier, but it’s full of trucks and dinosaurs. He really is growing up here.
“Sit.” It’s an order, not a request.
Plopping my ass down on the tack room floor with my back against the oversized chair, I marvel at the little blond boy in front of me.
His pudgy little fingers fish through the basket of toys until he finds what he’s searching for.
He sets a dump truck in front of me. “Mox. Dump truck.” He may not be able to say my name, but he can say dump truck perfectly.
He selects a tractor for himself before placing four dinosaurs on the ground.
“Vroom, vroom,” he says, driving his tractor around us.
I’m in awe listening to his sound effects.
The bit of spit on his lip is the sweetest thing.
He crawls around me, eventually driving his truck over my outstretched legs.
He follows the path of the tractor, climbing over me until he’s sitting between my outstretched legs loading the dinosaurs into the dump truck. “Vroom, vroom.”
For the next five minutes, we vroom, vroom all over the tack room. We crash into each other. We race. We get lost in our world. So lost, I startle when Mia speaks.
“I’m sorry, Knox.”
Currently on all fours, I drop my head between my shoulders, wishing we weren’t back to apologies. If I think about what I’ve missed with him, the anger I’ve kept at bay will rear its ugly head and nobody needs that .
“No more sorries,” I say, sitting on my butt to look at her, unsurprised to find tears streaming down her face.
Sawyer crawls into my lap. “Why Mama cry?”
Squeezing him tight to me, I kiss the top of his feather soft hair. “Because she loves you so much, buddy.”
Pulling out of my arms, he flies a dinosaur in front of us, nonplussed at the emotions filling the small space.
“How are we gonna do this?” The fear in her voice is palpable.
The anxiety overwhelming me when I arrived has taken a backseat, because even if I don’t know how, I know we’re gonna give this little guy the life he deserves. A life full of love, acceptance, and protection.
“We’re gonna take it day by day,” I tell her. “Figure it out as we go.”
“You make it sound so simple.”
“Hardly, but we won’t let him know anything other than how loved he is. I think we can agree on that.”
She sits on a stool next to the island. “We can.”
I can’t help but mention something that’s been on my mind. “What’s he gonna call me?”
“That’s up to you.”
“Uncle Knox doesn’t work for me. I want to respect your wishes and keep his life private from the prying eyes of the world, but I don’t want him to think for one minute I didn’t want to shout from the mountaintops that he’s mine.
We need to find some sort of balance, because let’s face it, Angus is already his dad.
” My chest constricts as the words come out of my mouth. “I don’t want to confuse him.”
“Are you saying you want to make it legal? Change his birth certificate?”
“The thing is, if you list me as his father, the whole world will know. They will converge on Goose Hollow and upset his life.”
She frowns. “It’s not fair to you. None of this is fair to you.”
“It’s not about me. When he’s old enough to understand everything, if he wants to change his name or wants to be adopted legally by me or Angus, that will be his decision.” My stomach churns to think of my baby brother adopting my child, but it’s not about me.
“Knox—”
“Right now, the town knows him as a Powell. This keeps the prying eyes of the press away.”
“I’m not sure that works for me.”
The churning intensifies into twisting knots of pain. How can she not agree with this? I’m making sure none of her fears come to fruition. What more could she possibly want me to sacrifice? I don’t dare speak, hoping she’ll explain herself.
“You have every right to be in his life and be a part of all decisions made on his behalf. Whether that’s what age he should start riding or playing rec soccer or club baseball.
You should be at teacher conferences and doctor’s appointments.
He may not live with you full-time, but he needs to know who you are to him. You both deserve that.”
The knots in my stomach release, and I grab my son again, helping him fly his dinosaur before tugging him in for another quick hug to quell my shaking body. “Really?”
“Yes. You are his father.”
“You sure?”
“I am. We’ll figure out the paperwork when you’re ready. I know you’ll do whatever it takes to keep him safe, though. ”
“I will.”
“I know.”
There’s so much going through my mind that the room is closing in around me.
Flashes of the future and a teenage Sawyer rejecting me.
Not wanting me in his life. The press finding out and putting him in the spotlight.
The anxiety is stifling and I need some air, even if the last thing I want to do is let go of him.
“Hey, buddy. Why don’t we put your toys away and go say hi to the horses?”
I release him, and he scurries off my lap to clean up, excited to see the animals. His chubby cheeks beg to be squeezed as his tongue sticks out of the corner of his mouth the entire time he focuses on his task.
All the questions I’ve had about him and his life thus far have vanished. There’s time for those questions to be answered later. Right now, I just want to know him.
Want to be in his orbit.
“He’s perfect, Mia.”
“I know.”