Chapter 53
Chapter Fifty-Three
Ryan
N ot one to encourage sleepovers with the men I’ve shared a bed with, I surprisingly love waking tangled up in Knox. We’ve both just opened our eyes and are doing that annoying thing couples do in movies: lying on our sides, staring at each other.
His long locks are wild, spread out over his pillow. Unable to keep my hands to myself, I lazily run my fingers through his hair. His eyes are bright as his fingers trail up and down the side of my body.
I’d never seen him as happy as he was last night.
He gave the performance of a lifetime. He also made a point of finding me in the wings every time he lifted his shirt to dry his sweaty face, inhaling deeply like the maniac he is.
During the break before the band’s encore, he rushed to me, kissing me senseless.
Telling me there was no way I could possibly love him more than he loved me.
As though I didn’t believe him the first time, he has repeatedly told me he loved me.
In bed. While he was inside me. As I fell asleep. This morning, as we lay here basking in the afterglow of a perfect night. But I burst our bubble.
“I have to meet with the magazine today.”
“Oh, yeah.”
“I have to tell them about us.”
“Will they care?”
“Well, after the media fiasco last week, they called and asked me point-blank if there was something going on between the two of us. I panicked and fed them some crap about you protecting me like I was your sister or something like that. I’m about to look real stupid when I tell them the truth.”
He stiffens under my touch. “Why did you lie?”
I can hear his self-doubt creeping back in, and that won’t do. “I was scared. The tabloids wouldn’t shut up about the fight and I was being stalked by the paparazzi. I didn’t want to look unprofessional on top of everything else. I was afraid they’d fire me, and I panicked.”
Rolling to his back, he brings me with him positioning me so my head is on his shoulder, our legs tangling.
“I’m gonna make Goose Hollow home base when this is all over. I’ll keep a place in the City and in L.A. but I’m gonna put roots down in Oregon. I want you to come with me.”
My fingers draw circles through the light dusting of hair covering his chest. “You want me to stay with you at the cabin?”
My fight or flight anxiety threatens to make an appearance, but the usual overwhelming need to run doesn’t kick in.
Instead, my mind races as I wait for him to repeat himself, wanting more than anything to hide away at the lake with him forever.
But I also know I’m not right for him. His desire for a family.
To be a father. I won’t let him sacrifice all of that to be with me.
Even if I’ve never wanted to settle down with someone the way I do with him.
“No. I want you to live with me at the cabin.”
It sounds much more permanent the way he says it.
“Living together is much different than being on tour together.”
“I can’t wait to find out all the ways it is.”
“Knox, I can’t just live in your house rent-free.”
“Sure you can.”
“That’s not who I am.”
“Babe, I paid for the house the day I moved in. It sits empty most of the time. It’s usually only occupied by friends or family a few times a year. I want to change that.”
Sitting up, I cover myself with the duvet, needing to look him in the eyes for this conversation. “What’s your plan? You seem to have given this some thought, so hit me with it.”
He smiles, trying to tug the duvet down, but I hold on tight.
“Well, for the first few months I don’t plan to do much more than relax, spend time with Sawyer, and fuck you until you can’t see straight.
I need a break from the constant go of the tour.
After that, I’m not sure. I’ve got a few business ventures I’ve been waiting for the right time to explore, so I’ll see what happens there.
” He sits up, his face only a few inches from mine.
“I know I want to travel the world and be a good dad, and I’d like to do all of that with you.
” He presses a soft kiss to the corner of my mouth.
“You don’t think this is all too fast?” I ask against his lips.
Throwing himself back down on his pillow, he rests his hand over his heart. “As you keep reminding me, I’m no spring chicken. You’re who I’ve been waiting for, and I don’t want to waste another second not exploring all the ups and downs of life with you.”
I don’t realize my mouth is hanging open until his forefinger is under my chin, gently pressing it closed. I’m completely gobsmacked by the implication of his words. He wants to share his life with me. In Goose Hollow. A place I said I’d never return.
Undeterred by my silence, he continues. “Tell me your plans and let’s figure out how what I want and what you want can come together.”
He’s not gonna let me say no and I’m not sure I want to.
“Well, I have a bit of a cushion financially. So, I was finally going to take a stab at writing a novel.”
“That’s awesome, baby. I’m excited for you.”
“Thanks, but I’m scared to death.”
“Why?”
“What if it’s awful?”
“It won’t be.”
“I wish I had your confidence.”
“You think you can write that book in Goose Hollow?”
Again, he’s right back to the heart of the matter.
“Truthfully, if you had asked me a few months ago, I would have said no. I had no desire to go back. To be that close to my parents. But after spending time with Becks and being there with you, it’s different.
All the good memories I had buried came flooding back.
If it weren’t for the shitty family dynamic, I would move there in a heartbeat. ”
“I’ve got your back, Ry.”
“I know you do. And if I’m being honest, your porch swing may be my new favorite place to be. The hours I spent on your front porch inspired a new book idea. I may or may not have outlined the whole thing already.”
“See, you got this!” he says, his voice full of sincerity and excitement. I wish I had the faith in myself that he has in me. “You know you want to write that great American novel at the cabin.” He smiles up at me where I still sit with my back against the headboard.
“Great American novel may be pushing things.”
He ignores me. “We can turn the spare bedroom into an office, or you can write at the kitchen table. Hell, in the summer you can write outside at the kick ass table Charlie built. You can stare at the water during the day and the stars at night for inspiration. I promise to give you all the space you need as long as you fall asleep in my arms every night.”
“You make it sound so easy. So perfect.”
“Maybe it will be.”
“I think you should turn the spare bedroom into a room for Sawyer.”
“I was thinking that too, but if you need an office, we can figure it out. He won’t be there full-time, but it would be nice for him to have his own space.”
“I agree. It’s not like I have an office at my apartment. I write wherever my butt lands. I don’t need a designated space. I can see myself writing at the coffee shop, too.”
“Sounds like I’m not the only one who thinks this might work.”
“What about your other homes?”
“Well, I’d like to keep the house in Beverly Hills. It’s a historical home that’s seen a lot in its day. I love that house. I also want to keep a place in NYC. I was thinking of selling my penthouse and buying your apartment.”
“I’m sorry?” I snort. Like actually snort out a laugh. “You want to trade your penthouse for my teeny tiny apartment? Are you serious right now?”
“I felt more myself in your apartment than I ever did in my penthouse. I wouldn’t want to stay anywhere else when we’re in the city.”
When we’re in the city. Every time he speaks of his future, I’m in it.
His future is impossible to resist, even though I know how selfish accepting his proposal of a life together would be.
“This is a lot.”
Guiding me back down to his chest, he holds me against him, our naked bodies once again wrapped up in each other.
“I know it takes a lot for you to let someone in. To tear down your walls. I know, because until you, I was the same way. I’m asking you to take a chance on me. I’m not sure I’m worthy of your heart, but I’m selfish enough to ask you to let me keep it.”
This man knows me better than I know myself. He knows that even though he’s toppled my wall, all those bricks are stacked neatly to the side, ready to take back their place, blocking my heart once again.
All I have to do is decide which road to take. The one wide open with Knox waiting for me on the other side, or the one leading to the loneliness of giving him up.
Maneuvering my body until I’m straddling him, I press kisses across his chest until I reach his heart. I was trying to be sweet, but when I feel him against me, I can’t not grind myself over his impressive length. “Somebody’s got morning wood.”
“It’s got nothing to do with the time of day, darlin’. It’s all because of you.”
He nudges my entrance with the tip of his cock.
Without thinking, I slide down his shaft until I’m fully seated, making my movements slowly.
It doesn’t matter how many times he’s been inside me; his size takes me by surprise every time, stretching and filling me until I think I can’t take any more.
But with his gentle care, he always makes sure it feels good to both of us.
Moving up and down his length at a leisurely pace, I continue our conversation. “How about a temporary trial run? And nobody buys my apartment for the time being?”
“If calling it temporary is what it takes to get you there, sure.” He leans forward, sucking my nipple into his mouth, only to release it with a pop.
I groan and twist his hair around my fingers, pulling his head back so we’re eye to eye when I say, “I think you’ve dickmatized me, because my answer is yes.”
His mouth crashes into mine a surge of passion amplifying the intensity of our kiss. He rolls us over; our bodies stay connected and he sets a heated pace.
“I’m gonna make you so fucking happy.”