Chapter 59
Chapter Fifty-Nine
Ryan
T he whoosh of the opening hospital doors sends a shiver down my spine.
The last time I was in a hospital was when I had the surgery that took away my ability to have children.
For years, I thought it didn’t matter. Getting rid of the endometriosis that caused such debilitating pain was worth it.
I’d never had dreams of being a mother. It wasn’t a loss as far as I was concerned.
But that was before Knox.
Before seeing him with his son. Witnessing the pure joy between them. As happy as I am that they’re finally in each other’s lives, it also breaks my heart. He missed so much with Sawyer, and I’ll never be able to give him a second chance at any of it.
Swallowing my anxiety, I follow the signs to the maternity ward where I find the entire McKinnon clan in the waiting area. Knox is sitting by his mom with Sawyer on his lap. My heart fractures a bit more to see the smile on his face brighten when he sees me.
“Hey, baby,” he says, meeting me halfway with Sawyer on a hip. He wraps his free arm around my shoulders and kisses the top of my head. Sawyer leans forward, making kissing sounds, wanting to copy his daddy. Knox lets go of me so he can get Sawyer closer to me.
“Muah!” Sawyer exclaims, his kiss landing on my cheek.
“Ah, thank you,” I say. “It’s good to see you, too.”
Sawyer squirms to get out of Knox’s arms, so he places him on the ground. He takes off toward the big dinosaur he must have brought from home. He’s already in his pajamas. Smart thinking on his mom’s part, since we’ll likely be here for a while.
My attention is on Sawyer, but I feel everyone else’s on me. When I scan the room, all the faces are familiar, but the looks on their faces are anything but. Daisy, Angus, and Mia try to stifle their smiles, but Sharon doesn’t bother. She beams from ear to ear.
My cheeks heat from the attention. Not knowing what to do or say, I wiggle my fingers and say, “Hi.”
We were all together a few days ago. This shouldn’t feel awkward, but it does. This is a family event. At the concert I was obviously with Knox, but I was also there in a work capacity. It was almost as though I had that to hide behind.
Always the one to add levity to the moment, Daisy saves the day. “Hope you’re in your comfy clothes. We may be here for the long haul. Our girl’s water broke an hour ago, but she’s only two centimeters dilated.”
“Oh, wow,” I reply. “Poor Charlotte.” Knox takes my hand, leading me back to the set of chairs next to his mom and Daisy. “How was she doing? Were her contractions bad?”
“Well, we haven’t heard any screaming. So far, so good,” Daisy kids.
Sharon takes the hand Knox isn’t holding. “Hi, dear. It’s good to see you again so soon. I hear we’ll be seeing a lot more of you.”
“Hi, Sharon.”
I don’t comment on seeing a lot more of me, because sitting here in this family setting during this life event is scaring the shit out of me. I don’t know how to do this happy family stuff.
Sharon pats my hand, then releases it. “We’re glad you’re here.”
“Yes, we are,” Knox whispers in my ear, before kissing my temple while his thumb rubs soothingly over mine.
“We’re havin’ a baby!” Owen announces, bounding into the space. He’s in his uniform and loaded up with more balloons than is sane. I would expect nothing less from him.
Sharon fawns all over Cal’s best friend, but it’s Daisy’s reaction that stands out to me.
She doesn’t acknowledge him. Instead, she pretends to be busy on her phone.
However, Owen, being Owen, makes a point of earning her attention by setting the enormous balloon bouquet in front of her as he sits in the chair next to her.
The absurd display infiltrating her space.
She bats the balloons out of her face. “Swift, why do you have to be so annoying?”
“Oh, sorry. Didn’t notice you there, Clover.”
She hates the nickname he coined for her back when we were kids.
It started as something sweet. He claimed she was his lucky four-leaf clover because whenever she came to one of his baseball games, he would hit a homer or pitch better than ever.
She was way too young for the nickname to be anything other than innocent.
The older we got, the more it turned into a tease.
He’s always been like a brother to her, so of course he annoys her just like Knox, Cal, and Angus do.
However, in New York, they were inseparable.
They seemed to have the time of their lives together.
So why do things between them seem different?
She still hasn’t looked up from her phone.
Owen ducks behind the balloons, and they have a quiet conversation, but I’m distracted because I sense a meltdown coming from Sawyer on the other side of the room. He throws himself on the floor whining, and as cute as he is, I’m afraid he might blow.
Mia picks him up and walks circles around the waiting room. He lays his head on her shoulder, and within a couple of minutes, he’s out for the count. “Sorry about that. He’s exhausted after his big day with the horses.”
“No need to explain,” Sharon comforts her.
She continues to walk back and forth, gently bouncing him. “He’s not as light as he used to be.”
“I can take him,” Knox offers tentatively.
“You sure?”
Standing, he holds his hands out in answer. They transfer the sleeping toddler, and Knox starts his own laps around the room, only he holds the back of Sawyer’s head as though he’s an infant.
It’s adorable .
Once he’s convinced he won’t wake up, he sits back down next to me, being ever so careful not to wake his boy.
My heart splinters watching them together.
Angus and Mia whisper in the corner. Angus is encouraging her to do something she seems apprehensive about. Eventually, she caves and approaches us.
“So, I was wondering... well, he’s exhausted and he really should get to bed, but we’d like to stay. Would you like to take him home and hang out with him? I totally get it if you want to stay here and wait for the baby, but I wanted to give you the option.”
Knox looks at me, petrified. I nod my encouragement.
“You sure? I’ve never changed a diaper or?—”
“I’ll help with all that. You’ll be fine,” I chime in. The poor guy is a nervous, excited wreck.
“He’s pretty durable. You won’t break him.” Mia smiles down at him.
“I don’t have a car seat, and I drove Cal’s truck.”
Angus steps in. “Take mine. The seat is already in the back.” He hands over a set of keys. “We met here so we can take Mia’s car to come get him.”
“If you’re comfortable with it, I’d love to.”
We say goodbye to Daisy, Owen, and Sharon. Angus hands me a backpack, kisses Mia, then escorts us to his truck.
Sawyer doesn’t wake as Knox’s little brother gives him a lesson in car seats. Knox hides his fear well until Angus says they just started potty training.
“No shit?” Knox says, stunned.
“It’s early days, but if he asks to go, you’ll have to help him. At home he has a toddler seat that fits him, so just set him on the seat and hold on to him so he doesn’t fall in.”
“Okay,” Knox replies, sweating and looking so unsure I’m afraid he’s about to change his mind.
“He isn’t waking up to pee yet, so he’s in a pullup diaper. If he doesn’t wake up, he should be covered.”
“No problem,” I say, unable to stop myself from stepping in. Knox is a deer in headlights.
“Just call either of us if you have questions, and thanks.” Angus shuts the truck door and makes his way to the front of the hospital before his brother can chicken out.
Knox rolls down his window once he’s behind the wheel. “Follow me?”
“Sure, but you’ve got this.”
“Thank you. I’m so glad you’re here.” He really means it. He thinks he can’t do this on his own. He’s wrong, but I’m happy to help him through his first time alone with Sawyer.
“No thanks needed. Give me two minutes. My car is right over there.”
Knox drives five miles under the speed limit all the way to the cabin. The drive that should have taken us twenty minutes takes us closer to thirty. It would annoy me if it wasn’t so sweet.
This side of him is why I’ve fallen so hard, but it’s also the reason I should walk away before things get too serious.
Will he resent me one day when he doesn’t get to have more children?
Is he not thinking clearly because of all the changes happening in his life?
The band ending. Becoming a father. Moving back home.
Absolutely everything about his life has changed.
Is it right for me to commit to him when I know it’s not what’s best for him?