Chapter 61
Chapter Sixty-One
Ryan
W aiting on the front porch swing, I wave at Mia when she walks around her car.
The sky gradually transformed from black to blue as I waited for her to get here.
She texted at six when she left the hospital after baby Grace was born.
I should have woken the boys up, but the two of us haven’t had a moment together without the family around.
I pat the empty space next to me, and she joins me on the swing.
“How’d it go?”
“Good. He woke up to go potty around midnight and they hung out for a bit. Other than that, they’ve been sleeping. Sounds like things got pretty scary at the hospital. I’m sure an emergency C-section wasn’t the plan. Grace’s daddy must have been out of his mind. ”
“I think Cal aged a good decade tonight. When he came out to tell us Charlie and Grace were both doing well, he looked like he had been to hell and back.”
“What happened?”
“Labor wasn’t progressing and then the baby’s heart rate dropped. They didn’t have a choice. But mom and baby are good. Dad too. Hopefully, all three of them are getting some much-needed sleep.” She yawns the last word out.
“I know you’re exhausted after being up all night, but I was hoping we could chat.”
“Of course. What’s up?”
“I should have called you weeks ago, but I wanted to talk in person.”
“Geez, it must be serious. You know you can tell me anything.”
It’s true. I’ve always been able to talk to Mia and Daisy about anything.
Too often I don’t, though. When we were kids, I could have trusted them with my family problems, but I already felt like a burden at home.
It was nice to be the friend who never had issues. At least not any I shared with anyone.
“I hope you know how much I respect you as a mother.”
She nods, looking concerned about where this is going.
“Because of that, I want to make sure you’re okay with me spending time with Sawyer.”
She stares at me like I’ve got three heads. “What in the world are you talking about? Why would I have a problem with you being in Sawyer’s life? You’ve always been a part of his life.”
“I know, but there’s a difference between a friend living on the other side of the country who only comes home a couple times a year and someone dating his father and spending time with him when you aren’t around. I want to make sure you’re comfortable with me being a part of his life.”
“Ryan, I couldn’t be happier that you’re home. Knox or not, you were already his Auntie Ry.” She looks over her shoulder to make sure we’re alone. “If I’m being completely honest, it’s a relief to know you’re here to supervise.”
We both chuckle and I keep to myself that Knox was a shaking mess when he held Sawyer on the big boy potty or that he threw a towel over Sawyer’s lap, convinced he was going to pee in his face.
We rock in companionable silence until Mia speaks. “You know, it was only one night. Well, it was a few minutes. There was never anything between me and Knox. No offense, but I’ve never been attracted to him. It was just an intoxicated moment.”
“I know, and we never have to talk about it.” It makes me sick to think of one of my closest friends being with Knox, regardless of how brief their encounter was. I believe her and truly don’t want to talk about it ever again.
The robins in the trees surrounding the cabin sing their morning song for the two of us and we enjoy another moment of peace before Mia opens up a door we’ve kept shut until now.
“Do you hate me for keeping Sawyer from him?”
I knew we’d have to talk about this at some point. We’re both tired, our emotions fragile, and likely not the best time to do this. So I take a minute to think about how I want to answer my lifelong childhood friend.
“I think what you did was wrong. You took experiences and memories from Knox that he can never get back.” A tear slides down her face and I take her hand in mine.
“But I’ve had the tiniest taste of the attention his life can bring and I can’t say that I wouldn’t have considered doing the same thing in your position. ”
“I’m so sorry.”
“I know you are. I also know you were doing what you could to protect your child. Your intention wasn’t to hurt Knox.”
“I swear it wasn’t. I was afraid, Ryan. He has an entire legal team who could have fought to take my son from me. And I wanted to protect him from all the assholes in Knox’s world.”
I squeeze her hand even tighter. “I know.”
“Do you think he’ll ever forgive me?”
“That’s something for him to answer, but I think he forgave you the moment he found out. He lays the blame solely on his shoulders.”
“There’s no blame for him to carry. I should have given him a chance.”
Yes, you should have.
“I don’t think I’ve ever seen him as happy as he is when he’s with Sawyer. He loves him already and I know he’ll only do what’s best for him.”
Leaning forward, she rests her elbows on her knees. “I feel so bad.”
“We’re both exhausted.” I rub her back. “This probably isn’t the best time to talk about any of this.”
“You’re right.” She sniffs, wiping her face with the sleeve of her hoodie.
“Let’s talk about something happier, like you and Angus. ”
Sitting back in her seat, she smiles. “How about you and Knox? This is the real deal, isn’t it?”
Emotion wells up inside me, stinging my eyes and burning my throat. Unable to hold it back, I bury my face in my hands and sob. Yep, I’m tired.
“Wait, no. What’s wrong? What happened?”
“I love him so much,” I wail into my hands.
“Aw, sweetie. That’s a good thing.”
I shake my head from side to side but can’t speak through the emotions stuck in my throat.
“Why, what’s wrong, Ryan? Take a deep breath and talk to me.”
“I’m no different than you.”
“What? How?”
“I can’t give him what he missed with Sawyer.”
She’s tired, too, so it takes a moment for things to click, but when they do, realization widens her eyes. “Oh, sweetie.” She pulls me into her arms, my tears refusing to relent. “Does he know?”
“Yes, and he says he doesn’t care.” I take a steadying breath and exhale deeply, pulling myself together enough to keep talking. “He said he’s already got Sawyer, and if we decide one day to adopt or use a surrogate, he’s fine with that.”
“That’s great, Ryan.”
“Is it?”
“Of course it is.”
“Being with me means sacrificing what Cal and Charlie are experiencing this morning.”
“Honey, the man is head over heels in love with you. I think he’d sacrifice everything for you.”
“He shouldn’t have to. His heart is so big. He deserves to have everything he’s ever dreamed of.”
“Don’t do that to yourself. We’ve all watched his dreams come true for the last twenty years.”
“This is different. All he’s ever wanted was a family. And I swear I’m not trying to make you feel bad, but he missed a lot with his first chance and if he stays with me, he won’t ever get a second chance.”
“You love him. He loves you. You’ll figure the rest out.”
“What if love isn’t enough?”
“It is, Ryan. If anyone knows that it’s me.”
“I sure hope you’re right.”
“Give Knox a chance. He deserves it.”
She’s right. He does deserve a chance.
He deserves love.
He deserves everything he’s ever dreamed of.