Chapter 14 #3
What did surprise him, however, was the way she gripped the collar of his shirt as though he’d just become her only tether to the world.
“Are you well?” he asked, brushing his lips over her forehead and wrapping his arms around her.
They’d taken several steps back since her return from Laeton, and with his own memories a fog from Phulan’s potions, he had no basis as to why.
Her lack of communication on the matter only worsened things.
Silence stretched on, but as much as he wanted to press for answers, he knew that by doing so, he would only further drive whatever wedge there was between them.
She sucked in shallow breaths in a slow, rhythmic pattern and he knew without a doubt that she was using the same breathing techniques she had after returning from her imprisonment in Auhla.
That this place had become a sort of haven to her from what was once her home only made Azriel’s heart ache more.
“Everything is so different,” she said at last, her voice so soft that he had to strain to hear her. “I want it to go back to how it was before.”
Azriel swallowed hard and, despite how much he didn’t want to know the answer, he asked, “Before what?”
“Before we left for the tomb.” Another shuddering breath, and her grip tightened. “Before the ambush. Before Loren…”
Her voice trailed away, leaving entirely too much up for interpretation. Azriel’s mind swirled, and that horrible monster inside him reared its ugly head, demanding to know more. Demanding justice. Demanding vengeance. It made his muscles tense unbidden and the air lock up in his lungs.
But anger wouldn’t solve whatever plagued Ariadne. His desire to turn Loren into a pile of indecipherable limbs wouldn’t change whatever happened in her past.
So, as gently as he could muster, Azriel asked, “What did Loren do?”
Rage-fueled memories of her bruised face, paired with her blood-speckled and torn dress, rushed to the forefront of his mind.
Fear. There had been fear in her eyes as well while Loren had lain prostrate on the floor.
Something had happened between them, and while his bond shoved horrible pieced-together images of that disgusting excuse for a man and his wife on that floor, Azriel fought back the urge to fly straight to Laeton and finish everything right then.
Instead, he pulled Ariadne closer, her body now quaking in uncontrollable spurts. “Help me help you, my love. I don’t know what to think or do or—”
“He tried,” she said, cutting him off. “He held me down. I tried to get away. I tried to fight back, but my body just stopped. I was so scared, and all I could think about was what happened when Ehrun put me back in those cells.”
Azriel was going to vomit. Again and again, that inner monster forced those memories forward, forcing him to wrestle with the hate and frustration that, had he been able to control his bond better, he never would’ve been given those potions.
Rather than arrive in Laeton a mess, unable to control his own body, he would’ve been able to put a permanent end to Loren right then and there, ultimately removing that one terror from Ariadne’s life.
He’d failed her. Just as he’d failed to protect her from Ehrun.
“Forgive me,” he whispered, “for not being able to keep you safe.”
Ariadne shook her head. “I put myself there. I was a fool to think I could get in and out of there without trouble.”
“Stop it.” Azriel sat back then, peeling his body from hers so he could look her in the eye. “You did what any great Queen would do. You put your people before yourself and did everything in your power to uphold your promises.”
Tears slid down her cheeks. “But I almost failed and—”
“Failed?” Azriel brushed them away with his thumbs. “My love, you did no such thing.”
“How can you say that?” Ariadne’s lip trembled. “I almost just let him…”
Gaping at her, his heart cracked. “Let? Loren Gard’s actions are not a reflection of yours. What you did or did not do in that moment was your subconscious way of protecting yourself. I would never gauge my impression of you and your brilliance on what he did.”
At that, the torrent broke free. Ariadne let out a sob and nodded, falling back into his arms. “I thought…since we hadn’t been intimate, that you were still angry with me.”
“Fuck, Ariadne.” Azriel held her tight and planted a kiss on top of her head, choking back his own emotions to stay focused on hers. It burned his throat and had each breath feeling like fire. “Never. I could never. If I’d known any of this…”
What? What would he have done? There would have been nothing aside from what they were doing at that moment: talking about it.
“I’m sorry, my love.” He shook his head as she cried, the tears silently slipping from his eyes and his heart breaking for her.
“You did nothing wrong. I was wrong for being angry. I was wrong for making you feel alone while you were there. I was wrong for letting this fucked up bond get the better of me. I was wrong for not being there when you needed me. But you…you could never do anything wrong. Not in my eyes.”
They sat in silence together for a long time, each of them riding the waves of their emotions.
Though neither of them said a word when they finally stood and made their way down the steps to the great hall, Azriel knew that although they were once again smiling and ready to face their friends, they had not yet healed from their experiences.
That would take much longer than a few moments alone in a war room.
A good thing, then, that he planned to spend millennia by her side.